*trigger* - I think I'm losing it

Sunday morning I took a bath. I had been thinking I hadn't cut for a couple of weeks, but there were fairly recent cuts on my leg. Then I remembered, oh yeah, Wednesday. But I couldn't remember why. Now it's Wednesday again, and I remember why. On Wednesdays I have the day off, and the kids are out of school early, and I try to get the house cleaned up. But by Wednesday they have thoroughly trashed the house (usually they do that on Saturday when I'm at work all day, if not on Thursday). Dirty dishes everywhere, toys and garbage, etc. Can't very well clean (like vacuum and all that stuff) without all the mess and clutter and junk picked up first. And I don't wait until Wednesday to tell them to pick up. They are supposed to be pickign up every day and every time they make a mess, but they just say they did, and don't really. It gets worse and worse through the week. So, I told them it was time to clean up this afternoon and they kept running off and ignoring me (outside a few times, other times hiding out in their rooms or just sitting around doing nothing, or running through the house being obnoxious and making a bigger mess). These kids are 7, 10, and 13. They are old enough to start being responsible for their own messes, particularly the older two. I help with the house cleaning, but I expect them to do the picking up. It doesn't help that hubby makes as much mess as the kids, and never picks up, but I can't confront him on it - can't deal with the resulting lecture on everything that I do wrong. The only room I can keep looking decent is my bathroom.

So, after trying to get some cooperation I can't deal with it and I cut. It's worse this week because our llama and a ewe and a lamb all died on the same day (it was last week, but today was the first day I was able to try to do anything about it), and I was trying to figure out a way to get them buried or something. Nobody wants to help. I don't blame them, but I can't do it all by myself. Llamas are pretty big. And I'm too sad and feeling bad about it to deal with it anyway. I did find some people who said they would help load them on my truck, but it was too late today, so I asked hubby to call them when he was home (Saturday), and he hates getting help from anyone, so wants me to get it done in the morning before work, without help, and is complaining that he always gets stuck with the jobs nobody wants.

So I have new slashes on my leg, but that wasn't enough, so there are also scratches, and some of them are on my neck, and they show, and I have to go to work tomorrow. So far the ones on my face aren't showing up. Stomach is bad enough it's hard to believe it was just fingernails that did it. Usually, lately, approximately one cut for each person that I'm upset with is enough. But I remember almost two years ago answering a survey about self injury, and one of the questions was about when do you know it's time to stop, and I remember my answer was when I am exhausted. Back then, I didn't SI often, and didn't usually use blades (mostly fingernails), and it took more effort and was more spontaneous. Now I do it a lot more often, and over smaller things, without getting so worked up, and I usually use a blade, but it's just a few cuts that don't bleed very much and that's it. And it's much more of an automatic response.

I don't know if it's better or worse whichever way. I don't know what I want by way of response to this, even. I just wanted to talk about it, and my T isn't dealing directly with SI, so I don't want to bug her. I'm supposed to be working on why there is such a difference between at work, where I can handle situations like these, and at home, where I can't. At work nobody is running off and refusing to help when asked to do something. They might not put their entire effort into it, in whicn case I have to fill out a consequence form and they have to write an essay. At home we're wasting an entire day accomplishing nothing and all getting frustrated and mad at each other.

((((((wendy)))))))))

I don't know what to say, but I'm very sorry for all your frustration



*big hugs*
Angela

Thanks Angela. I just ought to be over this by now.

((((((((((((((((((((Wendy))))))))))))))))))))



Love,
Fuzzy

((((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))

((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))
((((((((((((EV)))))))))))))

((((((((((Wendy))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

Have you sat down with everyone and told them how upset the messy house makes you feel? Maybe a chart system would work with the kids.....write down on bristol board chores they are expected to do and use stickers, etc for marking them when they are done....if not, they lose something (tv, video game, etc) if it's not completed? I use that here and it seems to work with my boys. I am trying to think of other ideas and will try to brainstorm something.

Give Mark a kick in the pants for me and tell him to help you out and that I said so. You are working long hours, raising a family and you need help. I wish there was something more I could do.

When I was reading your post, the one thing that popped in my mind the most is when is it your time hun? Do you have sometime each day that you can just focus on you? Put yourself on your list ok? You deserve it more than anyone I know.

Take care of yourself sweetie.

xoxo

Thanks a million (((((((((JetBlackAura, Karen, and Heather)))))))))

I slept in this morning. Now I have to be at work in an hour, and it looks like I'll be there continuously except at night all the way up until Monday. Filling in for someone this afternoon, then I always do 8 a.m. until 10:30 or whenever night shift shows up on Saturday. I'm going to start getting every other Sunday morning off starting next week, but it looks like that means I got put back on Sunday swing shift for every week. We'll see - maybe it's a mistake. I just know they are severely allergic to overtime, and they've got me regularly scheduled for 36.5 hours now. Then I have my other job too. I'm going to be so tired by Monday, which is also a day I normally work but apparently it is a holiday. It's really strange to have a job someplace that takes holidays. That just means that I don't get paid for it since I'm hourly, so I'll probably work Wednesday to make up for it, but I'm going to be so exhausted by Monday that I will need it.

I tried to get the signature that KTP made for me added, but it won't show up. When I try saving it to my computer so I can upload it onto my server, all I get is blank space. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Kimberly, would you like to try emailing it to me?

Karen, I have five boxes of that tea. Thanks for the offer, but I'm just sitting on what I have anyway. If people want to write to Celestial Seasonings or call them, maybe they would listen if they heard from more people. I can't believe they would just stop making that tea. I also have SJW capsules, and have been told that tinctures would be better. I'm not sure the capsules do anything. I just have a rotten attitude.

When is it my time? Apparently never. I felt freer when my kids started to be old enough that I could leave the house without them sometimes, but I should have known better than that. Well, I stay up late at night with my cat and my computer and my online friends. Or I neglect helping the kids with chores to do so in the evening. I guess that's it.

Not that I really sound like it, but I feel a little better today. I did an exercise video and maybe I'll try to get a bath before getting sucked in by work for another weekend.

Rap

Celestial Seasonings Mood Mender is the tea they are discontinuing, if you want to try writing to them . Thanks

Wendy,
I'd be glad to email it to you. Actually I've made a few extras and I'll just send those too.

Take care of yourself, things will get better (they have to, eh?)

Many blessings,
Kimberly.