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#1
Feb 28, 2009, 10:13 PM
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really triggery, switchy... group t called when i told her not to - put the system overboard. tried to call group friend, but that didn't work out. tried to get off with her to call a crisis line (the do not cut one i posted here) but she wouldn't let me.... ended up cutting while on the phone.
 25+ times (minor- quantity vs. depth). bums me out tho. didn't think i could go lower tonight... was wrong... was gettin really scary there for a mo' and then emergency crews showed up! Freaked me out! I didn't call! I didn't tell anyone! Was for my neighbor.... weird 24 hours. gonna try to watch a kids movie... try to be safe.
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image.   alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#2
Feb 28, 2009, 10:29 PM
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Kiya,
Here for you with gentle hugs. Wash your wounds, bandage them and snuggle up with a cuddly. notz
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 notz |
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#3
Mar 01, 2009, 03:00 AM
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(((((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))
Ugh - how hard...all those phone calls, and then the emergency crew! Eeeek! BREATHE and hug Sir Benedict and your monkey and hold BOTH my hands.... Did you watch the movie?? 
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#4
Mar 01, 2009, 03:45 PM
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Notz, Earth.... ty
i did watch my movie (and dealth with some supressed rage working it's way out) was more stable at the end of it. Not so this morning. but I think i've already done all i can to myself for the moment; chewed off all my nails to the quick, ate over a pound of chocolate, drank, ate more food allergins, cut, and was sui for about an hour last night. Wow I need to pick myself up, glue back the pieces... and get on this final paper of mine... *looks for dustpan...*
__________________
Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#5
Mar 01, 2009, 04:08 PM
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Keep breathing. Slow down. Hold my hands.
My T left me a message when I was out of control this week where he just kept sternly saying to SLOW DOWN. And he was right, I needed to just slow down, find some space, breathe, breathe. Know that I am thinking of you 
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#6
Mar 01, 2009, 06:57 PM
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you're right - i need that. SLOW DOWN. i am well on my way to a repeat of last night. I need to remmember that.
ty earthmama
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#7
Mar 01, 2009, 07:11 PM
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i hope its ok to send you some hope too ((Kiya)))) .. i know these days are hard and really testing us... good people are helping everywhere... it makes me feel better inside to see this ... you can make it
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#8
Mar 01, 2009, 09:10 PM
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nowheretorun - yes ty for the hope- i am currently being put in a position (live ins) that i don't belong in; responsible for her happiness and financial welfare. I am being blamed and guilted and really trying hard to focus on writing my **** final paper and a rewrite since I failed the one before this one. I am finding it very hard to concentrate on that when my live in (mom) is pacing up and down from shutting her self in her room, to standing behind me fuming, and then pacing again... the tension in here could be cut like a knife. I know i am not responsible (technically) for either her happiness or her financial situation - but as all my T's over the years have told me, I am enabling here just by being here. must concentrate on the paper... must not allow self to be sucked in again to care-taking her (a pattern of 13 years). Must keep my own head afloat and stay safe....
stay safe.... must stay safe.... I keep considering the options... do something drastic to get myself hospitalized since i can't just seem to walk out..... or speak up... or run away (hahaha at age 32) or... seek out living in a shelter or live on the streets...... I just don't know any more. i just don't know.
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#9
Mar 01, 2009, 09:44 PM
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Kiya
Don't try to figure it all out tonight! Breathe and let it go FOR NOW. Do your paper. I know how triggering it is to have all of that going on around you....but it's out of your control for now...there is nothing you can do tonight to change it. You CAN write your paper, and breathe, and reach out, and slow down. Could you step outside of the house for a minute- look at the sky, get some perspective, and then come back in? Sometimes getting OUT, even for a minute or two, can kind of reset me. One thing at a time, sweet one 
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 Kiya
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#10
Mar 02, 2009, 02:30 AM
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can you do your paper at the local library if you have one? gets you out of the house and some peace and quiet - Im so sorry you are going through this Kiya - be kind to yourself - you deserve the kindness you show others - I will keep you safe in my thoughts - take care of you
good luck with your paper
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts  its how many times you get back up!   (Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. by Patrick Overton, author and poet |
| Kiya
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#11
Mar 02, 2009, 03:08 AM
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i am afraid i am losing my mind. so afraid. i can't stop crying. there are constant urges to harm...in my mind. i hear screaming and want to scream with it.
t called and i said nothing. wasn't even me. like i don't know me any more. so afraid.
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#12
Mar 02, 2009, 05:39 AM
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(((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))
I know that fear. T always points out to me the things I am dealing with....he lists them:this, this, this, this....and then says that reacting to all of that with stress or the need to use bad coping skills, or tears, or switching/dissociation or whatever makes perfect sense. And it DOES. I'm not losing my mind when that happens, and neither are you. (((((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry thing are so hard right now
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| Kiya
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#13
Mar 02, 2009, 12:51 PM
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(((((kiya)))))
__________________
notz |
| Kiya
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#14
Mar 02, 2009, 01:21 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#15
Mar 02, 2009, 02:12 PM
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Quote:
(((sanah))) (((earth))) (((notz)))
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Credits: ChildlikeEmpress and Pseudonym for this lovely image. alt="Universal Life Church | ULC" border="0">
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#16
Mar 02, 2009, 02:44 PM
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((Kiya)))) i know this is very hard for you now... you are doing the best thing for yourself by opening doors to a future of fulfillment in knowledge and understanding about what is best for all.... mostly, try to be peaceful while you work towards your own peace.. sending caring thoughts always
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