Cutting to Punish Myself

I feel like I should cut myself for punishment of my sins. I don't always feel like I need to do this to punish myself but this time I do. I deserve the physical pain that comes with cutting without the urge (normally if I'm real upset when I cut it doesn't hurt).

My feelings are unacceptable. My behaviors are unacceptable. If my family knew about my feelings and other things, I don't even want to know what would happen. My mom would get really mad and be disgusted and probably send me to get spiritual counseling. Maybe that's what I need.

I'm a horrible person. I need to kill myself. That's what I deserve -- I deserve to go to hell. I don't really want to die though. I should cut myself. Maybe God would forgive me if I bled for my sins. Maybe I want to cut so that others would see my cuts and get me help. I can't talk to my mom about this though. I can talk to my therapist but I don't see her for another week. I need help now.

I don't know what to do. Any advice or kind words or even hugs would be greatly appreciated.

Your God will forgive you for anything if you but ask. There's is no need for blood. Your blood is your precious life force and belongs inside you. Do not lose it.

You are not a horrible person. Whatever makes you believe otherwise would be a burden lessened if you talk about it. Do you have a therapist?

Thank you notz for all you said. I do have a therapist but I don't see her until next week. I wrote her a letter yesterday but I'm afraid to give it to her for fear that she may reject me or get mad at me or tell my mom.

Wow,
That is quite a lot going on and none of it is unacceptable. Feelings are not unacceptable, they may feel unacceptable, intolerable and out of control but they are acceptable. They dervive from your experience and I think what you are communicating so well is that maybe you feel unacceptable. We all feel that way at times and it sounds like you have some pretty deep shame and are about what is going on.

From someone who has been there you don't need to cut to punish yourself. Maybe this is not the time for it; but you might want to consider creating a more loving relationship with God. You do not deserve to punish yourself for anything you have done or felt.

I'm sorry that you are in this much pain and that you feel like these are your only options because they are not. There are so many more things you can do. The good news is that you are talking about them and you should give yourself a hug for that. Most people would cut rather than share about what is happening.

Maybe you can call your therapist and discuss briefly over the phone what is going on. It also sounds like you might want to get some clarity around what she will tell your parents and what she won't. This might create some safety for you and you will know. Can you create a plan with her or someone that when you are feeling this way you will start to take different action? I think writing is a great way to understand your feelings. Maybe you can write her letters and then slowly start to show them to her as you become more comfortable. Remember, the more she knows about you the better she is able to help. I know it's hard to take those chances but if you can, just a few lines at first or let her read it before you get there then she can know the degree of suffering you are in.

Please don't think that you have to punish yourself with harsh words or harsh actions.

Write her another letter. Nobody said you had to give her the letters!
Be gentle with you, you are you and that makes you special.

Anirtak, I am glad that you are in therapy. Therapy will be the most helpful if you are open and honest with your therapist............