Getting it off my chest

I just want to let everyone know that I've never done anything like this before, talk about my cutting behaviors. Not to anyone. In fact I'm pretty positive that nobody even knows that I do it except for me.

It's really starting to bother me though....like when I first started 2 years ago I just saw it as a way of coping. The last half a year though has gotten worse. I find myself wanting to cut deeper and more. The last time I did it, I did it deeper then ever before and it has left very distinct scars. I'm scared.

It's always been about the physical aspect for me. It's not really a matter of control. I just tend to cut when I feel scared, up set, sad...pretty much any strong emotion. I even found myself wanting to cut once when I was extremely happy! Its' like I just don't know how to control strong emotions or something =/.

I started 2 years ago. I was always that child that destroyed stuff when I got upset- throwing toys, punching the wall, etc. And of course I always got in trouble for it. I guess I was always looking for a way to break something that they wouldn't know about. Then I had an abortion when I was 15. Suddenly my family was alien to me. It felt as though nobody even knew how to talk or act around me anymore. I remember thinking I needed a way to release that pain and it just seemed natural to cut and let it out...now I wish I had never started because I can't seem to stop.

Every time I think it's getting better and I don't have to worry, something happens and I find myself in the bathroom, razor in hand, AGAIN.

To be honest I sort of feel like it right now. My bf is far away, in the army. We IM at least once a day, but today he just seemed really distracted and basically said hi and bye. I haven't had that happen between us yet and it freaked me out. I guess I felt like I wasn't being interesting enough. I felt like it was my fault somehow although I know that's ridiculous. Ugh!

Well anyway, I've never talked about that before to anybody. Just really needed to let it off of my chest.

Welcome Books! Have you considered therapy to help you deal with your emotions?

Well, to be honest, I have. I guess I just don't know how to go about getting into it though. I'm kind of mobile right now, being between college and home. Plus me and my parents aren't really close. I think they'd probably freak out if they knew...

Therapy is very, very important............