[invisibleboy]

I used to cut pretty regularly in my early 20's, when I was under a lot of pressure to perform. After that I tried to quit for two years and that was hard. I was residential for an eating disorder at the time and every time I'd give my tools to my therapist I'd go out and get more. But eventually, finally, I thought I won. Cutting wasn't even attractive to me, and I didn't want people to think of me with all the negative connotation that cutters get.

But suddenly, I'm cutting again, and it feels just as satisfying as it did when I was 20. Except now I'm 33. I feel way too old to be doing this.

Has anyone ever had such a long gap and then returned to cutting/self harming?

[justxholdon]

Yeah. I'm in my late 20's and feel quite similarly to you.

For me, my ED and my SI are like on a seesaw. If I improve on one the other will swing and intensify because I haven't quite learned any other ways to cope. My therapist was never surprised by this.

I wish I had something life-altering and helpful to add here, but all I can say is that it's not just you.

[splitimage]

You're not alone.

I SI'd from ages 10-16 when I just stopped. Then I was badly triggered in therapy when we were working on my abandonment feelings from when my Mom died when I was a little kid, and them my T immediately took a month long break, and I was stuck with all these old feelings. That was when I was 32.
I remembered getting relief from my emotions through si, and so I tried it again when I was 31 or 32, and was immediately relieved. I had a period of about 2 years when I was actively and regularly si'ing, and then I decided that this was a bit of a ridiculous thing to be doing at my age, and decided to stop. It was really hard, and I had lots of slips. In total it took me 10 years from starting to stop si'ing completely. I finally stopped for good in 2011 when I was 42.

If you can, I'd urge you to stop before it becomes a habit again, because it's really hard to stop once you're doing it regularly, and it's even harder to explain when you're an adult.

Good luck.

splitimage