[here today]

So after years most of my life being cut off from some emotions, I had 6 years of therapy for trauma and dissociation and here I am WITH some emotions I don’t know what to do with.

I’m a widow with 2 adult children who do not live in the same area and few close friends. I’m aware today of WANTING some affection, something more than I can get from cuddling with my cats, who have been and still are very good company.

Possibly relevant, too, I spent a lot of my life in self-hatred for reasons that were good when it started. So I don’t have a lot of affection for myself. Now that the self-hate is somewhat gone, here I am with feelings I don’t know how to cope with.

Guess that’s a place to start, though? Cats plus I’m retired and I could be kind to myself if I could get started on how to do that. Some intentional acts to start with, maybe. Maybe a routine, even, so that I know I can count on myself to be kind to myself?

And my kids do love me, I think – just live far away with their own lives. As happened by chance I’ve got things planned to see both of them, separately, in different places on different days in a couple of weeks. And maybe – yes – I am anxious about that. What if they don’t like me? Well, yes, probably they won’t some times.

When I was (figuratively) living/surviving in a concrete block bunker underground, I didn’t have these feelings. Or at least wasn’t aware of them. Now I’m more above ground I do. Maybe I’ll get used to it. Gosh you would think that at 69 I was done with having to adjust! Nope.

[Skeezyks]

Hello here today: Well... the Skeezyks is 68! Except for still being married (my wife's accomplishment... not mine) I'm in that concrete bunker underground! I've settled in & have no plans to ever come out! I also have a lot of self-hatred. And the reasons for it are as relevant today as they ever were. So, in my case, I'm not adjusting at 68. I'm hunkered down for the long haul. Good luck though with your efforts to adjust to your new emotions!

By the way, did you happen to see this post by another member here on PC?

http://forums.psychcentral.com/senio...pal-mom-~.html

[here today]

Yes, thanks, I did see it and thought "Uh-oh, I'm not kind-hearted myself. She would expect that and find out and not like me and I would feel rejected, etc."

Maybe what I was talking about in the OP was that I may be a little kind-hearted, now that I'm coming out of the bunker especially, but it's still very scary, not what people expect, etc. And, well, probably people don't want to GIVE affection to someone who is not willing or able to give it back.

Lots of reasons to go into that bunker! And it was very comfortable when my late husband was alive and he was kind of there with me! But he died a while back and I really don't like being alone ALL the time (except for the cats).

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Hello here today: Well... the Skeezyks is 68! Except for still being married (my wife's accomplishment... not mine) I'm in that concrete bunker underground! I've settled in & have no plans to ever come out! I also have a lot of self-hatred. And the reasons for it are as relevant today as they ever were. So, in my case, I'm not adjusting at 68. I'm hunkered down for the long haul. Good luck though with your efforts to adjust to your new emotions!

By the way, did you happen to see this post by another member here on PC?

http://forums.psychcentral.com/senio...pal-mom-~.html

I am so sorry you have so much hatred. I would assume you self harm or injured yourself. So sorry but it is your life.

[Gus1234U]

what an oddly non-supportive post, lady. you know what they say about Assume ?

[pachyderm]

My cats (now one) were pretty much my salvation too.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

what an oddly non-supportive post, lady. you know what they say about Assume ?

I was trying to say I am sorry he has so much hatred. It really does not matter he never reads them anyway his words not mine. He over the course of the time I have been here he has been extremely not supportive to me. I am not trying to compete with support with him. Just trying to understand. I was just trying my best to be supportive. I was just worried with all that hatred he self harms.

[here today]

For me, the self-hating was/is an emotional response, and the overabundance self-critical reasons came later. The almost compulsive self-hatred, self-criticism was for me a kind of emotional self-harm, too. Once I worked on trying to turn the self-hate around (outward directed) the self-hate started to diminish. That meant, though, that I felt an awful lot of negativity for other people for awhile (Ugh!). Mostly kept the feelings to myself but I still wasn't very pleasant to be around.

[Gus1234U]

it's been my experience, and is touted as a psychological truism, that what the mind focuses on is magnified and generalized. thus, i find it most efficacious to focus on the positive, or at least to merely acknowledge the negative and turn away.