Dealing with adult children

My son is 33. He does try to call once a week now. When he was in high school he joined the army, and stayed in for 11 years. He now lives several states away, and ever since he joined the army we are lucky if we get to see him every couple years. It is still like that even though he has been out of the army for 5, or 6 years, but he does call. Empty nest is a big bummer, oh and no grands yet. He will get married to his 2nd wife next year, so hopefully grands before we are too old to enjoy them.

My hubby and I have been married for 31 years, too. Our sons are doing well. But we know they are responsible for their own lives and mistakes now. Our younger son sometimes calls to ask us for advice, but our older son very rarely calls at all. But I think our younger son passes on advice to him!

Yes. not worrying certainly helps with sleep.

So glad they are doing well.

When I can't sleep, I have become more accepting of taking a lot of drugs. Numbness is better than pain.

I saw my two scruffy, wonderful sons at a family reunion earlier this month. It was great to have all four of us together for a little while.

I'll see one of them again in October and both of them again in November and December.

I have a 29 year old daughter who is married to a really good man. My daughter is deaf-blind and her husband learned sign language while they dated. My daughter's and my relationship has been very strained since her mid 20ties. She has a lot of resentment from growing up with my mental illnesses. I'm going out to visit them for the Jewish Holidays next month. I'm terrified. I could really blow it with my daughter. I don't know how to be perfect enough for her.

I'm sorry, sheltiemom. Too bad she won't work through her anger in therapy. Could a therapist help you know what to say/do when you visit her?

My daughter is 34. She is a grad student at the University of California, Davis. She's married and is "doing well" with her life.

My son is 30, graduated Nanterre University in Paris, lives in San Francisco with his girlfriend (I adore her), and works in the tech industry. He's a delightful person and is having a good life. His passion is traveling.

My daughter and I were not only mother and daughter, but best friends. I mean, truly close...people would ask what our secret was...how did we get along so well? We'd laugh and say, "We're just lucky!"

Well, last November I slammed into a severe depression. It included agitation and delusions. One night I cracked up and wound up IP. I guess my daughter (or her control-freak husband) decided that my mental illness was more than they cared for. My precious daughter has not spoken to me in ten months. My heart is broken and I'm working hard to deal with this disaster.

I'm fairly close to my son; he's a very sunny person, really easy to be with.

All said and done? Adult children are far more challenging than young children are, in my opinion. I absolutely loved having kids and being a mom. Much harder now.

For me it is more like 'adult children dealing with mom' at times----a few months ago i got into a slump and i do not remember what i said but i got a call from my 34yo son, after he spoke with his 33yo sister, my daughter, and he told me
You need to get out and socialize
Come here if you need to, you are always welcome
I love you, we love you, you have done very loving things but your moods are difficult to deal with at times...think about how it affects us...
As I began to crumble with shame he scolded "No no, don't go there."

BethRags, I'm so sorry your daughter is being mean about your problem. Does she not understand mental illness?

It seems even more of a blessing when our adult children are doing well. I am trying to have a life without mine, keeping as busy as I can, traveling, and having my own friends. I try not to push myself on them--and wait for them to contact me. Our second son calls fairly often , but as I've written before, our first son never calls. It's probably best that we don't live too close to each other, so I'm not tempted to "correct" things about their lives.

Am I wrong in worrying about mothers who say they live for their children? Don't mothers need their own lives?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Travelinglady BethRags, I'm so sorry your daughter is being mean about your problem. Does she not understand mental illness? Thank you, Trav. I appreciate your kindness. My daughter is on meds for depression/anxiety...seems she would understand. The whole estrangement is entirely confusing, as my husband and I certainly did not raise her to be narrow-minded. But...her husband has some strange ideas, so... It seems even more of a blessing when our adult children are doing well. I am trying to have a life without mine, keeping as busy as I can, traveling, and having my own friends. I try not to push myself on them--and wait for them to contact me. Our second son calls fairly often , but as I've written before, our first son never calls. It's probably best that we don't live too close to each other, so I'm not tempted to "correct" things about their lives. Am I wrong in worrying about mothers who say they live for their children? Don't mothers need their own lives? I did live for them, and battled my way through hellacious empty nest that caused my mental health to degrade dramatically. Just this year I am finally seeing with clear vision that it's time to have my own life.

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Yes. Parents need their own life after the children are grown!