Ready, Set...Go!

I'm ready... ready to go crazy, to go bonkers, to go insane. I don't want to see (another) therapist. I don't want to be on Psych med's (again.) I've been dealing with my issues for so many years (since I was too young to remember) I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of fishing. I'm ready to cut bait.

I know I can't intentionally try to go off the rails. I'm still married (my wife's accomplishment, not mine.) And although I don't have to work to earn a living anymore, there are still things I have to do every day in order to help keep the household running. But if I could just slip quietly into insanity, I wouldn't mind... and I wouldn't fight it. That's all I have to say...

No, don't do that! We need you here! You do a wonderful job. Plus I like having you around, too.

Skeezyx, I like having you around too. I've liked you from the beginning of my joining this forum.

But it doesn't seem as if you have much of a relationship with your wife. You often say your marriage has lasted because of her efforts, not yours, as if it really doesn't matter to you.

And you often talk about how life doesn't seem worth living. Why? What is the matter? Do you not have any interests? Any real love for your wife?

I don't mean this in a judgmental way. I just wonder....

Dear Skeezyx,

Please disregard the above message. I now realize that it was highly innapropriate, intrusive, and ill-advised. I would have deleted it except that it’s been there too long.

I’m sorry about it. Please believe that objectionable as it was, it was motivated by a real interest in you. 🤭

You've always been a wonderful support here, Skeezyks. I know that sharing is not the easiest thing for you to do, so I appreciate you opening up here. It's OK to feel overwhelmed by life sometimes. Sending you hugs.

"Your driving me crazy!"

"Its a short trip!"

Yes, I can understand your frustrations, Skeez. Anything I can do to help?

Thank you for your reply. Actually I didn't take this as being inappropriate, intrusive or ill-advised. I took it as you intended... as reflecting interest. So all is well.

The reason I often say my wife's & my marriage is her accomplishment, not mine, is because it is she who has kept us going & together. I have little doubt that if I were not married to her I would have either died years ago or become a homeless drunk. The fact that we are where we are in life is all because of her.

You also asked if I have any interests. Well... being here on PC is an interest I suppose... at least it better be because I sure spend a lot of time here! Oh, & then there's our Schnoodle... Joey. Beyond that... no I don't really have much in the way of interests. I'm just old & tired. And I pretty-much just want to be left alone, in real life. (It's for the best.)

Thanks for your replies! No, there's really nothing anyone can do. Everything just is what it is. I suppose part of the problem at the moment is simply the weather. We've had just a brutal month here. And since we have a dog who has to go for his twice-a-day walks I'm out in it with him twice every day. (He's a trooper!) It's been wearing though. And it's not over yet.

The other thing, though, is that I've recently fallen back into secret variations on some old patterns I thought I had perhaps left behind. (I'll spare you the details.) And while it's saddening & frustrating when looked at from a healthy mental health perspective, the fact is I have not a drop of interest in trying to do anything to remedy it.

The fact is there are, & have always been, 2 "me's". There's the reasonably healthy, competent me I have always shown to the world... (the one I think you also (hopefully) see here on PC.) And then there's this other crazy, warped person inside I've hidden from the world my entire life. The problem is, & has always been, that every so often the crazy, warped "me" begins to leak out. Which is what is occurring now. And, when it does, I have to figure out a way to regroup & drive it back down. Unfortunately, at this point, I'm just tired of the whole process. And so the idea of simply loosing my grip, & letting myself go overtly insane, feels like it would be such a relief. But no matter. Chances are I'll get it back together. I always have.

(((((Skeezyx))))). ❤️ I’m so glad you’re not too upset with me. I mean well, especially in the rare event that I like someone, but in my social ineptitude often end up upsetting the china like a big clumsy dog. If you ever feel like sharing more of your background, either privately or on forum, I hope you will.

If not, blessings. Keep on keeping on. Somehow I have a feeling deep inside that even though it’s horribly hard, it’s worth it. 🌹

Skeezyx - am wishing you well this evening!
I agree about the two "me's". I also have a me that isn't interested in being healthy or connected!!! Humiliating, but true.
Yes the tension between the two selves can be what holds life and relationships together - but,
can you ever step back from that conflict?

Can slow down and take baby steps for a while?

I find you a very genuine person - not just valuable because you do/ say the correct things!