[Travelinglady]

What are your experiences with your adult children? One of mine calls me often and I never hear from the other one. I am learning not to give them advice, even though it's hard not to!

[sarahsweets]

My son is a young adult still in college and we have a good relationship. We have been dealing with something traumatic in that he had a stroke in Nov. The scariest thing I have ever seen. We got him to the ER in 10 minutes so the damage is minimal. It turned out he had a hole in his heart that was repaired. He is in OT and speech now and due to make a full recovery and go back to school, living in his apartment soon. My middle daughter turned 18 last February and by March she had run away and shacked up with some wild girls and their mom where drugs and alcohol were allowed. Needless to say she showed up on Mother's day and we took her to the hospital where she went inpatient and then rehab. Now she is living in sober housing barely able to make it. She missed prom and graduation although the school let her finish her work and graduate in December. I can feel the regret she lives with each day, knowing she only has herself to blame.

[Travelinglady]

So glad your son got to the hospital in time and that your daughter got treatment. Tough things to deal with, I'm sure.

What's hard is that we do need to let them deal with the consequences of what they get themselves into.

[Monticello]

I have two sons, 25 and 22. They keep leaving and coming back depending on school, jobs and so on. This is OK but I go through empty nest syndrome every time one of them leaves.

[Travelinglady]

My one son lived with us while he waited to go into boot camp and then while he got his Master's. Now both sons live out of state and only visit at Christmas.

[Nammu]

I recently moved back to the same state and my daughter is so happy about that. We are in constant touch and I babysit when the weather allows. She went though a turbulent time with bipolar So we have a lot in common. I recently gave in a bought a cell phone so we can text. I do get lots of great photos of the grandkids tho!

[Travelinglady]

My incommunative (new word, since I don't know how to spell) son called the other evening and we talked a good while. He called this morning to say a dog ran out in front of his car and the car was damaged. The car is still in our name, but he makes the payments to us. He's planning on selling it soon.

My other son called again last night. He calls frequently. We talk for a least an hour usually, sometimes more. He often asks for advice.

It's good to hear from them when the news isn't bad.

[Nammu]

Haven't heard from my daughter in a few days. She has two kids and is going back to school plus has her marriage. I know everything is going well when I don't hear from her.

[eskielover]

My daughter won't talk on the phone so we text to communicate.

We live 1100 miles apart so with no money in either of our lives we don't visit at all.....but we do keep each other informed of the big things happening in life.

Sometimes life just is what it is.

[Travelinglady]

Firstborn son is planning on visiting us in late March/early April. We are going to celebrate his 28th birthday.

[Monticello]

My 22 year old son just invited me to spend my 60th birthday with him and his girlfriend. I may just take him up on it. I haven't seen him since August.

My 25 year old son went with me to Utah this weekend and did most of the driving.

I am very fortunate that my kids like to spend time with me.

[Travelinglady]

How nice, Monticello!

[Nammu]

That is nice. I'm fortunate that way too. Life was so rocky when my daughter was young and I was so unstable, then she went though a rocky teen and young adulthood. Things are so much better now.

[saidso]

Monticello and Nammu - how amazing that you have found your way through parenting to good relationships with your children !!

[Travelinglady]

I think it's nice to have a healthy, more adult relationship with our adult children. I have learned through my mother's example that adult children (such as I) don't appreciate being infantilized and criticized and given advice. Some women and perhaps men just can't seem to give up the parenting role.

[Travelinglady]

One of my sons has invited my husband and me to come to visit this summer and also to come to his place at Thanksgiving when my other son will be there. Yay!

[Nammu]

Oh that's good news!

[saidso]

Very cool! Wishing you all a lovely summer and Thanksgiving!

[sarahsweets]

Ok venting.

Jeeze.. the daughter who ran away last year when she turned 18 and got involved in drugs and alcohol- Becca?- well she just turned 19 and has started her 8th job in a year and a half. She was working at a convenience store and it was all " I love my job, I love my coworkers.." She got sick quite a bit and had doctor's notes but doesn't seem to understand that absences are absences..you still screw your coworkers over by calling out. In her mind the note absolved her. I believe they threatened to fire her so like usual- she quit. She managed to find another job without much lapse due to a friend and started that on Tuesday. Its in hospitality- front desk for a hotel so she thinks it has potential for growth. In a conversation she reiterated how school sucks and she will never go to college. I do not care if she decides she wants to be a professional pooper scooper- whatever as long as she can support herself.

March 23 2018 is when she ran away, and she said last week.." In a few weeks I will have been on my own for a year". I wanted to shake her.. on your own? Living in a party house, then rehab (our insurance), rehab housing with IOP (our insurance), Oxford house (we helped a little sometimes for rent or essentials), and now this new recovery house. We help out with little things like gas and we let her have the car back that she used when she lived at home about three months ago to get to work. Its our fourth car and its really old and we see now that she can not live with us- and if she can't work and pay rent... guess which doorstep she will end up on?

Tough love sucks. When she left we found her in 4 days and towed away the car, shut off her phone, changed the security code to the house. We wanted to make her as uncomfortable as possible. You want to be on your own? Fine, here is reality. When she showed up on her knees (literally) in May we fed her and took her right to the hospital in hopes of her agreeing to rehab. We did not give her anything- if she wanted to be on her own so be it.

We did all the stuff I have told AA women I sponsor to do with their addicted loved ones so as not to enable. But damn it hurts to see her so lost, looking for her identity- identifying with how she feels yet guarding my heart. When she left I thought I would die. There was nothing I could do due to her age..and everyday I got the automatic calls from the high school telling me she was absent...missed her prom and graduation..It was legit trauma and part of the reason I restarted therapy. I am having such an issue relating to her and am so afraid of hurting like that again there is this wall up. Combine that with the trauma of my son's stroke and I am a hot mess sometimes. I hope I did/am doing the right thing.
Thanks for listening.

[Travelinglady]

What a sad situation, sarah. I can imagine how much Tough Love would hurt us as parents. You sound like you are doing your best with her.

[saidso]

Being expected to support myself financially from a young age stood me in good stead. Some stuff from my childhood sucked, but I - um - read your "you want to be on your own, so this is reality" paragraph with relief. It seems to me that huge numbers of parents make their children dependent on constant subsidies rather than the occasional helping hand for a project: and those kids take forward a dangerous sense of entitlement and unkindness towards the world.

My best friend who was a recovering alcoholic and the most wonderful person who I've ever met - she always "got" boundaries yet her reaction under pressure was always to smash them up - until, much later through much therapy, she arrive at a different awareness of herself. I marvelled at her humanity but also was used to anticipating the boundary-smashing phase until she fought through it.

I would be a terrible parent - a raging insomniac and too reclusive - but I think what you are doing is a gift to your daughter and you know that - but sometimes emotional learning is exhausting.

You are doing so well to hang on to your own recovery - high five and respect for your perseverance and courage. Can you, somehow, shower the kindness and love on yourself right now. Your struggle is worth something (not sure if what I've written makes sense).

[Nammu]

My daughter was using in high school too....I was so glad she was able to graduate with her class. But the years following were very hard. She ended up arrested for dui and the desicion was made to not bail her out. She says now that was a real eye opener. She made a deal to go to treatment. Her early twenties were hard years. But we got though then and she's been with her SO for 12 years now and they have two kids, a house, two cars, a dog and a cat.

[Martha2019]

My son lives closer than my daughter, but he doesn't communicate often...and always by texting. I know that his life is super-busy, and I love his wife as if she is my own daughter. My daughter lives 2000 miles away with my only grandchild and her husband. Again, her life is super-busy with work, husband, new child and life...... I raised them by myself after my divorce. I never remarried. I think that they think I can still do everything like I always did for all of their life. I can't, but they don't want to accept that either.

[AuntDesa]

I have 2 adult children, a 33 year old son, and a 39 year old daughter. Both are married with children, and both live 1100 miles away in opposite directions. I’ve got 5 grandchildren, who I am semi estranged from, because of my daughter-in-law’s dislike for me. It’s so heartbreaking I try not to think about it anymore and am learning to accept things the way they are now. I was lucky to be very involved in my first grandchild’s life - She’s now 19- & we remain close. My son & I talk occasionally, and even face time with the kids, but I’m not a big part of their lives at all. My daughter just got remarried last year and had a baby in January. Daughter has always included me in Christmas & all family holidays. Son’s family used to take turns between his family & hers, but for the past 4 years, they’ve spent Christmas with hers. Thinking that’s the way it will be from here forward!

[Travelinglady]

Hi, AuntDesa, and welcome to Psych Central and to this forum! Is it jobs that take your kids so far away? Mine had to go where the jobs are--but at least one is in an adjoining state. I think grandparents can offer so much to their grandchildren. So far I only have a grand dog, though .