[Grimace]

!TRIGGER WARNING!

I apologize for the obscene length of the following post. This is actually a third draft. The others were much much longer.

I joined the forum back last fall, and something as simple as acknowledging and airing some of my frustrations did help me start taking steps to turn things around. Seven months later things are better than they have been in over six years.

Unfortunately, as I peal away the layers of my depression, I've come to one that I've been scared to acknowledge because of how embarrassing it is.

As the title suggests, my problem involves a preoccupation with fantasies about dating and marrying a promiscuous woman that leads to an excessive amount of time spent fantasizing and getting myself off, including often with porn as a visual or written aid. I feel like there is a possibility these fantasies play a role in keeping me away from the female companionship I do want.

***

My last relationship ended over 12 years ago, and I have not had sex since. I'm turning 36, and having wasted all of those years of my "prime" is sort of devastating. I obviously do not hire prostitutes, nor do I go to strip clubs, or seek one-night stands. In my three relationships that have lasted longer than a year, I never had a desire to have sex with someone other than my partner at the time. I am not a bedroom sub, and I do not desire to be sexually humiliated or punished.

In general I have no other dangerous addictions. I have never smoked, snorted, shot up, or abused pills, and have never had a desire to. Like many people I drank and got drunk at college and parties in my early 20s, but I did not have alcohol outside of these times, and haven't desired a drink in several years.

Quite honestly, to all outward appearances I am a decent person, if a total loser by modern social standards and my fantasies are not currently impacting the lives of the people around me in any way that they would recognize.

That makes me feel salty for coming to a forum and seeking advice, because compared to people who are destroying their lives and the lives of those around them, or having their lives destroyed by somebody else, my problems don't even register.

Yet, they are real to me, and I am scared of what could result from them. Because I did indulge in these fantasies at one time ... and part of me very much wants to again.

***

Basically, I am obsessed with the idea of dating and marrying a woman who has sex, preferably unprotected sex, with hundreds or even thousands of men. This obsession has spawned countless fantasies that would shock and disgust most people, even those with the common, far less extreme versions of them.

My story is fairly predictable. My high school and early college sweetheart of three years, a girl I had given my whole heart to, left me and was soon married. I rebounded with exactly the wrong kind of girl for me at the time. I strongly suspected she was cheating on me, but after my previous relationship I was so emotionally wrecked that I chose not to make a fuss. I wanted the companionship and the affection. We had a more active sex life than I was used to, and that's when the fantasies started.

At one point, while we were in different cities for the summer, I decided that if she hadn't already slept with a guy she talked about often, she was going to before the summer was up. So I told her I wanted her to have sex with him. She admitted to having thought about it.

I sat there that night thinking about her in ecstasy, and when she called me afterwards to tell me about it, I had an incredible spontaneous orgasm. To this day it is the most intense sexual experience of my life ... listening to a girl tell me she had sex over the phone.

From that time I began encouraging her to have sex with other men, at which point she admitted to a bout of infidelity during the first seven months of our relationship. She told me the sex she had had with other men was amazing, flat out told me their greater size made the sex better. When she asked why I would want this, and I told her that it was because I loved her, and the idea of her experiencing intense pleasure with other men made me happy.

In reality, of course, this was about a battered self-esteem and wanting to feel in control of a romantic life that was out of my control. Subconsciously I rationalized that if I told her I wanted this, that made everything she did that hurt me okay.

One might think our sex life took a dive because I was letting her have sex with men that she enjoyed better, but it was actually the opposite. So I'm getting all of this positive reinforcement even as my self-esteem is getting hammered.

I believe that mostly she sought out her ex, but I truly have no idea how many guys she slept with. She was stretched out to the point that I could barely feel her. Thinking about large numbers of other men having been inside her gave me this ridiculous psychological high that became the only way I could orgasm during intercourse.

After two years living like this we broke up. I believe she had become seriously conflicted by the end. While sometimes she would tell me the good time she had with her ex or some other guy, there were times where she cried, asking me again if this is what I wanted. In addition to wanting her to go farther to satisfy my escalating fantasies, I believe it also became a matter of power. I never thought of it this way at the time, but I believe I liked the feeling that I was able to "make" her do these things to make me happy. Knowing that her commitment to the relationship status quo was dwindling, I basically let it evaporate while she did a semester abroad.

***

After about nine months of being single and a decision to avoid the open relationship business from then on, I wound up in another relationship. The fantasies remained out of it, and I was the boyfriend I wanted to be. Unfortunately, our careers took us to different cities, and then she too started cheating on me. I ended that before I brought up my fantasies with her, but for many years I regretted doing so.

That was over 12 years ago. Over the years the fantasies have intensified as I have increasingly used porn as a visual aid, imagining the women as my girlfriend or wife engaging in the acts I watched. I began reading blogs and forums where people talked about their experiences in the lifestyle. There are times when I will pull porn up, not to get off, but just to jump start my fantasizing again.

***

I know some would say that if this is who I am, as long as I'm safe about it and don't take it too far, I shouldn't let myself get hung up over it. Except if I ever get to the point where I introduce these fantasies into a relationship, I will push until it all falls apart. Beyond that though, when I'm not experiencing the high from fantasizing I'm so incredibly disgusted. At myself for wanting this. Even at the idea of the whole thing. Sure as day, though, the fantasies come back.

Sometimes I'm almost able convince myself that if I could just find a woman who would commit to fully exploring these fantasies that I would be happy for the rest of my life. To demonstrate how twisted they have gotten, there's a thread on here started by a female sex addict who mentions she wished guys would care about things other than how much sex she's had. Instead of hoping she finds the help she seeks, I'm like, "I can do even better! Not only can I like you for the things you mention, I can like you for your sex addiction too!" Dangerous doesn't even begin to describe what a relationship like that would be, not just to her and myself but the men she comes in contact with, and their families, and so on. I don't believe I'm exaggerating when I say thousands of lives could be ruined.

That's why, as much as these fantasies give me an incredible high, they need to stop ... but I'm confused about where to start, and what kind of investment I might be looking at. Is this something where they will be with me for the rest of my life and I will have to learn to bury them as deep as I can? Will fixing underlying trust and self-esteem problems help make them go away?

I am positive there is anger there toward women after the way my early adult relationships failed, but whatever is there it's buried below the surface. I meet a lot of different people because of my job, and I never find myself thinking of the women as liars or "sluts." I'm able to interact with them professionally just fine. Waitresses, cashiers, fellow students (I'm taking night classes), and so on, no problem there either.

As a note about faith-based solutions:
I don't begrudge anybody their faith, but when people try forcing their faith on me as a way to solve my problems, I completely tune them out. I absolutely recognize the power of faith for the individual, but I don't believe any greater power truly exists to send me strength and ease my shame.

I'm not sure how common my issue is, but I'm definitely interested in hearing from people who have been in my spot, and how they have learned to deal with it.

Thanks, and best wishes.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Grimace! In case we haven't met, welcome to Psych Central!

Ah, yes, I want to put my Freudian cap on. I will tell you right off the bat that I am not a therapist or any other kind of mental-health professional. However, I agree with you that these fantasies come from your relationships with other women, who cheated on you. Now you on some level assume it will happen sooner or later, so in a sense, you figure why not encourage it? Then you can have control. And one thing has led to another..... That's my theory anyway.

I have not had these experiences, especially given I am not male. But, I will tell you this, whether anybody else has or not, these fantasies are concerning you and interfering with your having a normal sex life. And that means you should see a therapist to get to the root of the issue or, depending on the therapist's bent, help you to stop the fantasies more
directly. Make sure to see a male therapist.

I am saying all this because I care. I don't think you're some pervert or whatever. Okay?

[waggiedog]

Hello and may I say a warm

WELCOME BACK

to pc. We're always pleased to see another member, whether they've been away or not! I'll be honest ~ I've got here rather late, it's 11.45 London time (GMT), I'm very tired and need to sleep' So if I can find you tommrow then I'll catch up with your intro/about me. Meanwhile hugs you two's XXXXXXXXXXX