I love her but I am a serial cheater

Have Hope · 12:17 PM

Marriage is a contract of love and commitment between two people. To me, that means not fantasizing sexually about other women all the time. But that's just me and what I think. I don't think you should be getting married. It really seems you need professional help. You're downplaying the 20 times you've cheated. Someone in love in a committed relationship does not cheat 20 times, nor with escorts. You're not being honest with yourself. Why go through with a marriage? What do you see coming out of this that is positive? Does your fiance expect 100% commitment? I really do not understand your reasoning for getting engaged, let alone married. Why not just choose to be single, so that you can do as you please, and with whomever you please? If my husband told me he fantasized about sex with strangers, I would divorce him in a heartbeat. And if I found out he cheated before we got married? It would be over in a heartbeat. You're not thinking of her in this equation. Like I said before, you want both.. you want your cake and to eat it too, and that's really not fair in a marriage. True love means putting the other person first sometimes. You're really just thinking of yourself and what you want, not of her and what she may want.

BBGR · Jan 04, 2020, 12:20 PM

I understand your point Have Hope

Marriage honestly for me is just a paper. My relation with her is very very important, but that regardless of if we are married or not. I definitely want to have children with her, I in my mind children should come preferably in a married couple. Probably that s why.

To be single (without my gf) is something for sure I do not want. I enjoy all the time with my GF, it s hard to imagine the future without her, I have absolutely no reason to not be with her anymore.

I understand I have a problem and possibly an addiction, that I need to change and overcome this.

But I do not think we live in a prefect world, perfect couple etc

Let 's be honest, I am pretty sure plenty of married men fantasized about other women. Yes, they don't do the stuff that I do, but I really do not believe that the married men never have fantasies with other women

Have Hope · Jan 04, 2020, 01:22 PM

My husband said he shut down all and any sexual thoughts of other women when he became committed to me, so I disagree with you. He also quit using porn for me. He used it when he was not having any sex with his ex wife for two years. Sure, many married men AND women may fantasize, but that's not the issue necessarily. You cheated 20 times.. your fiance deserves to know. You are not doing right by her at all in this matter. And if she was so important to you, why did you cheat 20 times?

She is marrying someone who is lying to her, or at least who is omitting the full truth. You have to man up to your actions, be honest with her, and let HER choose. It's just not right.

At the very least, don't get married if you cannot tell her the full truth. Delay or cancel. You want to change, you need to see a therapist. It won't simply stop because you want it to. You get a thrill from this, and then you get bored. It's a problem. What happens when you're bored after 5, 10, 15 years of marriage? You're cheating again?

LadyShadow · Jan 04, 2020, 11:47 PM

This is horrible.

This a forum for support, so please forgive my blunt statements because I get that, but what you're asking us to do is very difficult.

You say you want us to give you advice to overcome this problem, this addiction you have, but what you're asking us to do is look past the 20 times of cheating, the fact that you don't want her to dump you despite of that, and you're surprised no one is giving you advice to solve this problem that is 100% pure selfishness?

You like the rush of cheating, but you also like to come home to your girlfriend. Men like you are my worst nightmare, sorry, but it's true.

I think you need to sit down and be honest with your girlfriend like others have said. You're scared of her dumping you, but how can you go on like this?

My advice, if you REALLY want to salvage this situation is to tell her EVERYTHING, and say you need and want therapy and go TOGETHER. If you work together to solve this as a couple, that is the only way to salvage this situation, and it starts with honesty.

Come on, dude, do the right thing by her.

RockyRoad007 · Jan 05, 2020, 12:52 AM

Man, this would simply be a marriage built on deceit.

Is this really what you want? Is this what she would want? If the answer to either of these two questions is no, you have no business marrying her.

You appear to lack the decency of respect for your future wife.

Would fantasizing work for you? I realize not everyone will agree with me, but I personally see no harm in it. I indulge myself, and I see it as no one else's business (unless you make the choice to share).

Sorry for pontificating, but I couldn't seem to dig up any accolades to give you.

BBGR · 03:00 AM

I think the whole marriage thing is more important for you. For me I repeat, is just a paper. I do it mostly because she wants that. She is, as I said, aware I have a problem like that, even tho I did not told her the exact details of the strange sexual things I did (I don't really think she wants to know them anyway, I don't find the purpose). For me it s the same as only being in relation with her (which I want of course)

I though the forum is more with professional therapists, but obviously I am wrong.

I should have asked please for advice only from qualified therapists specialized in addictions (that's what I hoped I can find here), I really don't need the blame and to be pointed out by everyone that things their relation is perfect and have the illusion that married men do not fantasize at all about other women. Obviously as here their are also plenty married women, is a sensitive topic.

Even tho I "cheated" on her, and lied to her about this, I still think we have a great relationship, one that is rare to find this days (If I look everywhere from what I know in real life, really it seems that way)

If I knew she has a "bizarre desire to get cunnilingus from strangers" I would not want to know all the details, but I would have chosen anytime to have a loving supporting gf that's all the time with me and have this problem, instead one that is acting like a ***** in every day life with me etc You get my point.

"Cheating" is a subjective word to me. For me is much worse when a man neglect his GF, don't spend time to her, it is not nice to her etc etc Having other addictions, even like internet addiction, can be even worse in my opinion (spending hours on internet neglecting her partner)
Or to cheat emotionally with other women, have "love affairs" etc I understand I have a problem with my strange addiction and I want to change, but honestly I find it much more worse to cheat emotionally, to neglect your significant other etc then simply do protected oral sex with hookers out of impulsion/mental problem.

Have Hope · 09:05 AM

This is not a forum with professional therapists. This is a peer support forum only. If you are looking for professional support and advice, there are plenty of other resources.

Have Hope · 10:21 AM

And yes, it's a sensitive topic. I happen to believe my husband when he tells me he turned off sexual thoughts towards other women. He is COMMITTED to me in every way. I am not fooling myself, and he is not lying to me. Some men are devoted in this way to their wives, to let you know. Not all men all meandering and philandering.

You are weighing sexual cheating against emotional neglect? You're saying that cheating 20 times is better than emotional neglect? How do you know what damage this would truly cause to your fiance IF she knew the full truth of the matter? If she knew you went to call girls? How would she feel? Horrible is my guess, and horrifically betrayed. No, this is not better than emotional neglect... it's just as bad and just as damaging. My guess is it would impact her self-esteem deeply. She may think "what am I missing that he needs to go to prostitutes for?" She may feel totally inadequate as a result. But again, you're not thinking of her, you're minimizing the impact this could have on a person.

You do need to see a therapist or a professional for help with this. I am sorry you felt judged. Like I wrote above, we are not professionals... this is strictly a peer support forum. You're going to receive strong opinions on the issue of cheating and marriage on here, and initially you asked what people thought, which invites opinions. Many believe in monogamy, and many people embrace commitment in marriage. Many are married and find the issue of cheating and dishonesty morally offensive and reprehensible.

Best of luck to you with this. I mean that sincerely. I hope things work out for you.

~Christina · Jan 05, 2020, 08:21 PM

PC is peer to peer support and that is made crystal clear when you sign up for an account.

I’m sorry your not hearing what you want to hear but you are cheating on a person you say you love. You don’t cheat and trip over yourself trying to justify it.. whether you cheated once or 20 times or 163 ... you are still a cheater.

You need a professional to help you sort your skewed thinking apart.

Either love her and her alone or just be single and indulges any fantasy you want.

She deserves to know.. not all STD’s can be cured..I pray she won’t have to pay for your unfaithfulness the rest of her life.

BBGR · Jan 06, 2020, 04:19 AM

We obviously have different understanding of "cheating" and "love"

For me is much more worse when a parner confess more, spend much more time and talk more with friends instead of with the signifiant other (things that happens in so many couples) - than doing a bizare fantasy for 15 min every 6 months from impulse/psy problem

It s like somebody is addicted to gambling, comes on a psy forum for support/advices for treatment - and I say to him "you spend all the family money, you deserve to be alone" etc

Or somebody that has depression and obviously do not talk much with her partners - to say to him: "you ignore your partner, you are so selfish with your internal problems and do not think about your partner, you deserve to be alone"

mimBP · Jan 06, 2020, 05:33 AM

How much time did you expend with her compare with your a lot others?

just curious to know. looks like you have plenty others and may not have time for her!!!

Have Hope · 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BBGR

We obviously have different understanding of "cheating" and "love"

For me is much more worse when a parner confess more, spend much more time and talk more with friends instead of with the signifiant other (things that happens in so many couples) - than doing a bizare fantasy for 15 min every 6 months from impulse/psy problem

It s like somebody is addicted to gambling, comes on a psy forum for support/advices for treatment - and I say to him "you spend all the family money, you deserve to be alone" etc

Or somebody that has depression and obviously do not talk much with her partners - to say to him: "you ignore your partner, you are so selfish with your internal problems and do not think about your partner, you deserve to be alone"

Like I said above, cheating causes actual emotional damage. That is very different than someone simply spending time with friends. I cannot believe you are even comparing the two?

Did you read my post above?

It seems you think you are a wonderful partner, better than someone who neglects their girlfriend with their time and better than someone who mistreats their partner in other ways. Well, let's be clear: you are mistreating your fiance.

What would your fiance think or feel if she knew you were with hookers on your time away from her?

You are minimizing your cheating, justifying it and excusing it. Please do consult with a professional. Your thinking is most certainly skewed.

No one has said you deserve to be alone. But you are not taking responsibility for your actions, OR the hurt and harm this would and will cause your fiance.

Everyone here is saying you should not be getting married under these circumstances.

seesaw · Jan 06, 2020, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BBGR

I thought about why I am doing it, but cannot figure out a solution to it

Honestly, I do it because I find it exciting to do sexual stuff with women I don't know, because there is much more mystery about them and their bodies (in a sexual meaning)

For me sex is like 80% fantasy in the mind and only 20% the actual thing of having sex.

I can't say I really enjoy that much when escorts, or different women that I don't know, do oral sex to me. But the fact to explore their bodies and arrive to that thing, is something that I find very exciting.

When I see a woman that I find attractive in the town/on the streets (so dressed) I fantasize about her in a sexually manner.

But after I discover all her body and do something sexually, I loose a good proportion of my interest.

I can maintain my interest maybe only if I develop an "lust" (getting "in love") period.

That I had with my fiance.

When I make sex (love) with my fiance, is only about the pleasure and our connection. I enjoy it and I find it sweet. But it cannot replace the excitation I have doing sexual stuff with woman I don't know. Nor doing sex with strangers for sure cannot replace the sweet sex I do with my GF.

That's why I cannot find a solution to this problem of mine. And I really think that regardless of which woman I can be in a relationship with, I would have did the same (probably not only in the honeymoon period if I am "obsessed", in a good way, over the girlfriend - but I know this honeymoon period doesn't last very much, it s impossible)

I am not at the point this is on obsession to me - I am with my GF for almost 10 years and I cheated like that around 20 times. i know it sounds much, but if we divide it's like 2 times a year - and usually only 20 min at that's all.

And I don't thing that much about sex or obsess about it all my time

But I think however there is a problem. I would had preferred that I am different, of course. I also fear to not do it even more often, I actually want to stop it completely.

To find new vision in my life instead of thinking that much about women

To make a family with my fiance and stop doing this strange things I am doing (to actually stop wanting to do them, to not think about this anymore)

Do you want to stop? It sounds like you are a sex addict. The only way to stop this behavior is with professional help. There are also 12.step groups for sexual addiction.

And yes, you need to tell your fiancee everything, explicitly without assuming she knows. She has a right to know and to make her own decision if she wants to marry a sex addict or not. I'm not saying you should be single or get married, but your fiancee has a right to make her own decision on this without being lied to. And you have a responsibility to be honest and truthful with her about who you are, including the sexual addiction.

You can absolutely have a fulfilling relationship and marriage but you need to deal with your addiction first. I believe there is a sub forum here for sex addicts. That may be a place to start to get more specialized advice.

I'll ask again, do you want to stop? Or do you not see it as a problem? I think if your fiancee knew the true extent, she would have an issue with you visiting prostitutes and having affairs. I do think you are in denial. And that's okay. The first step is admitting you have a problem. So do you?

Open Eyes · Jan 06, 2020, 09:41 PM

BBGR, it sounds like you want someone to agree with you in that it's not all that bad. You WANT to continue thinking what you do isn't all that bad.

It doesn't matter what other members here think, the one it matters to is your GF. She is the one that has to live with this desire you have. Some people do agree to have open marriages. Just remember though, that means she can be with others too.

Here in the USA we have had presidents that cheated on their wives. I can think of three off the top of my head, Trump, Bill Clinton, JF Kennedy (had several women too) and from what I understand pretty much all the Kennedy men cheated including the father and each wife KNEW, Hillary knew and I am pretty sure Melania knew too. I remember reading about how Jacklyn Kennedy had to learn to accept that her husband was going to cheat on her. In fact, I read he was cheating on her with another woman while she was giving birth to one of her children. Prince Charles married Diana, but kept Camilla in an affair on the side. Thing is, Diana did love Charles and his need to keep seeing Camilla broke her heart.

In "some" cultures it has been acceptable, but an unspoken acceptable where a man would be married and also have a girlfriend on the side. My husband's grandfather had a two family house and he had his wife and children on the first floor and his girlfriend lived on the second floor. Often it took place in the olden days before contraception and birth control because wifes did not want so many children. However, the other problem is that children often did not live to adulthood either, and women often even died during childbirth. So men tended to end up with more than one woman. And it may be that men had to be able to accept having more than one woman.

Marriage and monogomy evolved to protect family money/property and bloodlines and to assure the children were provided for. Sometimes marriages were arranged, no love was involved and often both man and wife had their secret lovers.

NOW, what matters is what BOTH individuals are willing to accept.

BBGR · Jan 07, 2020, 01:49 PM

Have Hope, I am not minimizing anything, I have admitted I have a problem that I want to overcome.

I do not want the others to tell me "it's not bad", but only seeking for more understanding of this problem/addiction, and more advices and positive vibe on how can I overcome my problem and have a normal fulfilling life with my partner.

I searched on internet "sex addiction forum" to receive support and advices on how to overcome my problem from people that are aware of this condition and know what does it means.

This forum was one of the first in the research, but sadly I see the members here are not specialized therapists, but normal people that faces problems like me.

Just that I don't really see members here that shares the same addiction as me or have done extensive research concerning this problem.

That's why, even tho I thank you for your opinions and I have read them all (I have gotten also a couple of good advices from some users), I will stop this conversation and try to go on other forums/website where this problem is more made aware/the members are more informed about the topic.

It's like me, without really knowing about problems like adhd, depression, bipolar etc I start making comments on forums like "why you ignoring your partners every 2 weeks?! do you know how difficult is for your partner to be ignored all the time like this? you are not emotionally available to your partner, you should have told him you have this before getting married. that's not normal, you should see a therapist" = no real advice, only putting blame, without taking in consideration that the person with the problem admits it, and for sure does not want to have it

I wish you all the best. I admit I have a problem, I want to stop it and I will go on dedicated websites/support groups for sex addiction.

RockyRoad007 · Jan 07, 2020, 04:17 PM

I'm sorry you haven't found the advice/support you were hoping for.

My own response to your thread and probably that of others was your seeming lack of caring about how this would affect your potential wife.

I read how for you "it was only a piece of paper". That is an honest feeling. However, there is no mention that your potential wife feels the same way. Just you. You don't even have the testicular fortitude to tell her. You "think" she knows. Huh?

I wish you the very best, but do hope you can find a solution where *both* of you find happiness.

bizi · Jan 07, 2020, 10:46 PM

If you come back and read, I hope you would seek therapy. A professional could help you the best. they might suggest couples counseling.
good luck to you.
bizi

Have Hope · Jan 08, 2020, 07:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BBGR

Have Hope, I am not minimizing anything, I have admitted I have a problem that I want to overcome.

I do not want the others to tell me "it's not bad", but only seeking for more understanding of this problem/addiction, and more advices and positive vibe on how can I overcome my problem and have a normal fulfilling life with my partner.

I searched on internet "sex addiction forum" to receive support and advices on how to overcome my problem from people that are aware of this condition and know what does it means.

This forum was one of the first in the research, but sadly I see the members here are not specialized therapists, but normal people that faces problems like me.

Just that I don't really see members here that shares the same addiction as me or have done extensive research concerning this problem.

That's why, even tho I thank you for your opinions and I have read them all (I have gotten also a couple of good advices from some users), I will stop this conversation and try to go on other forums/website where this problem is more made aware/the members are more informed about the topic.

It's like me, without really knowing about problems like adhd, depression, bipolar etc I start making comments on forums like "why you ignoring your partners every 2 weeks?! do you know how difficult is for your partner to be ignored all the time like this? you are not emotionally available to your partner, you should have told him you have this before getting married. that's not normal, you should see a therapist" = no real advice, only putting blame, without taking in consideration that the person with the problem admits it, and for sure does not want to have it

I wish you all the best. I admit I have a problem, I want to stop it and I will go on dedicated websites/support groups for sex addiction.

If you are still reading on here, I am glad you know it's a problem and glad to hear you wish to overcome this so you can have a wonderful and fulfilling future with your fiance/wife.

And I'm glad to hear you will seek other support and guidance with this issue.

I do think a professional will be better treatment for you than support forums and websites. A professional will know best how this can be resolved.

I wish you nothing but happiness and a bright future.

BBGR · Jan 08, 2020, 03:41 PM

Thank you, to you too all the best I wish you!

bizi · Jan 10, 2020, 11:56 PM

let us know how it goes>
bizi

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I love her but I am a serial cheater

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