Pornography/Erotic Literature Addiction

No major cravings today! Did a bunch of cleaning with K (my special other), trailer is starting to look presentable again. Cooked some chili, and just waiting for the timer to run out on a special request from K... Japanese jiggly cheesecake. Hopefully it turns out. We'll see.

What's a Japanese jiggly cheesecake?

I have to admit that we're having a dry spell and it's driving me nuts! I've been thinking about it all day.

@ARaven0137 Ach, sorry to hear that! At least you have effective means of handling it at your disposal, and likely no negative repercussions. Oh, and Jiggly Cheesecake is like... it's like angel food cake, but made with cream cheese, and it jiggles! It's a strange dichotomy of textures and flavors, and it's surprisingly good, especially with fruit. However, I personally don't class it as "cheesecake". Nuh uh. To me, cheesecake has got to be dense, moist, and rich!

Feeling a bit frustrated with myself lately. I've lost all motivation to progress further in my efforts, just been in a holding pattern so to speak. I haven't tried meditating yet, I haven't done any of the things I said I was going to try to do. I can blame part of it on this Covid BS upending my life lately, but really, I'm the sole reason I haven't progressed. I'm happy to report I'm still going strong in my efforts to abstain from porn, and it's easier to click away from overly-sexual material these days, so that's encouraging. But I need to keep pushing forward. The goal, after all, is to make myself a whole and productive man again. And I just... feel like I haven't gotten anywhere lately. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop. Cleaning the same things, doing the same dishes, cooking, getting firewood, etc. But stuck there. My home, while much cleaner these days, is still a disorganized mess, with tools and things just... THERE, just there because I've nowhere else to put them yet. I've been working on a woodworking/shop shed to have a place I can put all my tools away, to have a home for them, but I haven't gotten past the floor yet. I feel like I have so much other... crap, just getting in the way, and then when I have time... I just don't have any motivation left. We had a massive dump of snow, constantly snowing for about seven or more days now. So I tried to get the snowblower hooked up to our tractor, because there's just too much to push with the bucket now, but problem after problem kept cropping up while I was doing it and now I'm stuck with a problem that I've attempted several methods of fixing it with no success. Stuck again. By the time I gave up on it, it had been dark for a couple hours. That was yesterday, and today I couldn't push myself to go out and try again.

K and I have been kinda beating around the bush of sex the past two days as her time of the month finished recently, but between her stressing over income flow, and me just feeling... blech lately, we've just never gotten around to it. Like it's a chore now that neither of us is all that keen on doing. WTF? And it's not like my libido is gone, I still have bouts of desire for her every couple of hours, but it's like my libido is just... suppressed, by circumstance or by lack of motivation, whenever an opportunity might arise. It worries me, to be honest.

I've also had some... unsettling ponderings rattling around in my head for the past couple weeks as well: how much of my sexual desires are actually me, and how much were brought on by seeking greater stimulus from the porn I consumed? How am I going to handle the desires I still have that K either has no interest in exploring or is frankly physically incapable of? Am I going to have to go back to suppressing aspects of myself that came out during my exploratory period? I mean, I guess I kind of already was in some way or another, but I felt like porn was an outlet in some fashion, and now I don't have that outlet. I'm starting to recognize some things that were just stimulus seeking, it's easy for me to drop them from my fantasies now. But there's other things that still haunt my mind, things that feel genuine. When they materialize out of the fog, my heart starts pumping harder and I feel the desire in my veins. And now, when I think about it, I recognize that porn was even just a mere stopgap for these desires. My mind doesn't conjure up most of the porn I consumed of these desires anymore, because the porn feels... hollow now. Instead, my mind now projects fresh and vivid imaginations before my mind's eye, scenes I never saw in any porn I ever watched, and it's so much more... satisfying... and yet torturous. It makes it very difficult for me to abstain from masturbation, and now I both fear and look forward to showers because they've become the place where I can indulge in relative peace. At least now the drive to masturbate is significantly less than when I was still consuming porn. But it's still very much present.

I think that with anything that was addictive, the desire will never completely go away, but control or moderation is the key. When we have our dry spells I can tell that my imagination goes way up and I fantasize a lot more. My libido has always been high and its frustrating for me that my SO doesn't have the physical or emotional capacity to be intimate with me. One of my biggest weaknesses that I have been working on is that when we do have those dry periods I can tell I become a lot more flirtatious with men...and women. I'm bi and I have been imagining myself with a female friend a lot more.

We both need to stay strong!

Aye, I'm all too familiar with fantasizing about people I "shouldn't" be fantasizing about. It's tougher now, because with no porn filling in the script for me, my imagination has all kinds of freedom to write the screenplay. In fact, while I was consuming porn, I rarely imagined things. Having my imagination reawaken in the absence of porn has been, as I said, a blessing and a curse. That said, as much time as I spend fantasizing about other people or things, I now spend as much if not more fantasizing about K. Which has been a boon. But also frustrating, because for one reason or another, I doubt most of said fantasies will or could ever be fulfilled. Some, though, are very much within the realm of possibility, so there's comfort in that. Knowing there are sexual fantasies I can share and perhaps act upon with my fiance is helpful.

I've been slowly incorporating mindful awareness into my daily fantasies, and it has been helping quite a bit. First, in helping me abstain from masturbation on many occasions. But more importantly, it has actually been helping me filter who occupies my fantasies, and recognizing that's all they are. Just fantasies. In the past, I've gotten in trouble with allowing fantasies to develop into more, which helped lead to my emotional affair. Recognizing the warning signs and re-writing the script on the fly has made it much easier to discipline my thoughts, shift them towards less harmful or potentially misleading fantasies. I still have fantasies about people outside my relationship, but the ones I allow to stay are the ones that there's not even a remote chance I could ever act upon. And even those are less frequently a subject in my mind, now being replaced with "shadows" as I call them. Nameless, faceless beings who are merely tools in writing the script rather than actual people I shape my script around. Not sure if this is a good or bad idea, but if it is helping me abstain during the meantime, I'm going to take it as something good. I had no idea I missed my imagination this much, though.

I think that's a very positive development. You have great insight into where you are and where you want to be, which, to me, is most of the battle. It sounds like you're getting a better handle everything with some minor setbacks, which are natural.

While I do have a good level of self awareness, I can be very impatient. With my husband, I know when he is going into his mood cycle. Once I learned what to look for it was like a parade setting off the changes. What's changed recently is the length between cycles has gotten shorter and the duration of the cycle can vary now. When he goes into his depressive mode it can now last weeks to where he is minimally functional outside of work and house chores. So, I'm essentially a bachelorette for all intents and purposes with a anxious and critical roommate. At some point, I throw up my hands and begin to act outwardly like I'm single. I tried many times to talk to him about this, but I've gotten nowhere. I try to approach gently, but he seems threatened whenever I bring up a problem. I've told him and the counselor that he seems to prefer being up on the high horse, telling me what my problems are.

I jokingly call his cycle The Crescendo of Doom. It starts with a phase I call "The Huffy." He huffs around, letting out aggravated and irritated sighs, mumbling how I'm doing everything wrong. This tells me to start digging trenches and hunker down. It progresses to "The Frantic" where he goes into the hypomanic phase. He can't sit still, can't stop talking and everything is a problem. We watch shows three to five minutes at a time before he gets up or starts talking nonstop. I can go an hour "conversation" where my contribution is, "yeah, uh huh, oh really, wow." He becomes immune to social cues like crossed arms or staring out the window. I get the "machinegun" problems where he throws problems at me, dozens at a time, most of them trivial. I told the counselor that when he's hypomanic, every blade of grass in the yard becomes a life or death issue. This is where I try to volunteer for work trips overseas. Then, we reach "The Shrill" where his voice goes up several octaves and gets much louder and he picks a fight until I offer battle. Once here, it's hard to deescalate and he is usually only concerned with winning as opposed to resolving the problem. I developed a strategy I call Mutually Assured Destruction in which, once battle is joined, I will move to destroy the relationship. I did it as a deterrence and it has actually worked to get him to think twice before launching an offensive. He actually caught himself a few times and deescalated on his own.

A big fight is followed by serious drinking on his part and then a crash into depression. It's not uncommon for him to not emerge from the bedroom for days and for him to only get out of bed to use the bathroom or drink water. His family has a lot of bipolar in it, but he's never been diagnosed. He is on meds and I think that affects his libido.

So, here I am, feeling like a bachelorette, fantasizing about people and using my stash of toys a lot more than I should.

Wow. So much of his behavior you described sounds so similar to how my K will sometimes behave. Including the escalation. However, near as I can tell, her bouts of combativeness are usually triggered by a combination of stress and her time of the month coming into play. If she's worried about money or house chores, and then her period starts, I can expect to start seeing an escalation unless one of these conditions has a meaningful change.

A few differences though. Her escalation is usually over the course of a week. Starts with being "huffy" as you described. Then progresses to constantly telling me to do this or that, mixed with complaining that I never do anything around the house or for her (regardless of the veracity of this belief, I could have been doing a lot, but she NEEDS to have something she can needle me about). If we get to this stage, sometimes if I manage to change the circumstances (either financially or chore wise) it will nip it in the bud, and it's just a normal period for her. However, this isn't a surefire means of preventing it, I have found. And if I can't do anything about what's causing her anxiety, I'm boned. It makes me feel rather helpless at times. The next stage is either digging up something I did wrong in the past, and her questioning whether I'm doing it again (like talking to other women behind her back) and then escalating her anxiety about that by worrying I'm doing something worse (like full blown cheating). And I can reassure her countless times to no avail. This is partly my fault, for having betrayed her trust in the past. She then feels justified in not trusting me, and therefore in worrying that I'm doing something worse. Which only makes things worse, because I can only deny it, which she doesn't believe anyway.

After that, it will often progress to full blown fights like the ones I've described in the past. And frequently, the only recourse I have when we get to that point is to tell her to leave me if it's that bad being with me. We'll fight about that, with her accusing me of only being with her because it's convenient or easy and that I don't actually love her. It's a mess. Sometimes, I wonder how we ever patch things up.

So, while I don't think that they have the same issues going on, it's interesting how similar the behavior can be. Don't wear your toys out!

I recognize so much of that situation in mine! The Huffy to The Shrill is about a week on average. I get the rapid fire commands and complaints, being led around the house and shown all that I missed. I am truly a sub par housekeeper and I have often heard that he wanted a housewife. He would be perfectly happy if I resigned and just sat on the couch, awaiting his next household command. I get the exact same thing in that I can do a lot, but he perceives that I've done nothing. One of the big fight lead ins is, "You never do anything around here! It's all me!" Nothing I can say or do can convince him otherwise. I call this the "nine of ten rule" where I can do nine things and the one thing I miss will be the focal point of the conflict.

I've been accused of cheating in the past and am frequently scrutinized in my contacts. I also have blame in that, as I've mentioned I get very flirty when I feel ignored. I would consider myself quite attractive and I do get a lot of attention from men, especially at work so that feeds into it.

We've had many a fight in which I threw up my hands and told him that I must be the worst wife in the world and that he should find a wife who is a good housekeeper. I've also been accused of staying because it's convenient and that he takes care of everything at home while I'm off saving the world. So, between my husband and the BPD stalker friend, I've had stellar luck with men. My husband is a good man. He's kind hearted, charitable, engaged in world events and the environment, but I truly suspect that we are a big mismatch. My best friend says he's an idiot though. He has a beautiful, active and intelligent wife who wants to have crazy sex and he doesn't appreciate it.

Thank you so much for sharing. I'm glad to have someone to commiserate with. Oh, I had three goes today including one with my sybian.

Hugs!

@ARaven0137 I'm jealous! I wish I could do the same and still get anything done. I could easily have three goes, but it's an all day affair for me typically. And a sybian! I'd get one just to watch K ride it if she had the desire. Maybe down the road I can convince her. I've always thought they looked like intense fun. Wish there was something like that out there for guys. Though I'm not sure I'd ever buy one for myself as I can't justify buying even a simple fleshlight (though some Bad Dragon toys looked fun).

Phew, boy! Past couple days have been... trying. Fortunately, while I have had cravings for porn, they've been very manageable, so that's a small blessing. But, the past couple days I've been very irritable with K. Unfairly so. Yesterday was the worst day, it seemed like everything she did pissed me off, and I had no real good reason for it. I tried to tamp it down, keep it relatively contained, and tried to puzzle through it in my own head, try to sort it out so I wasn't letting it out on her. But I kinda failed. I was very passive aggressive, very huffy and full of sighs, and became visibly irritated anytime she requested I do something. I'm having trouble today figuring out why, but I think a couple factors were at play.

While we're pretty used to spending a lot of time together, more than either of us spends with anyone else, this quarantine business REALLY increased that time to... ALL of the time. And I think we're just getting on each other's nerves and up in each other's grill with nowhere for either of us to take our frustrations elsewhere. Last week, it was her being very irritated with me, these past couple days it's me. I did apologize to her yesterday, after I finally sorted myself out with some alone time getting a couple loads of water into our cistern. That helped matters. But before that, when we were getting groceries, and then gathering up some more firewood... I was downright grumpy with her. Almost mean. Maybe even mean. Over stupid stuff, like her asking if we could stop by staples for some art supplies to help mediate her boredom at home. Simple, right? You wouldn't think it by the way I was behaving. I was just so fed up with following her around stores that I felt we didn't need to be going into (although we kinda did), and I wasn't keeping it to myself. So that's probably one reason for my poor mood, just too much time around the same person with no breaks.

Another was definitely sexual frustration. The past couple days I've been going through up and down cycles of ramped up sexual need. Without an outlet. I ain't turning back to porn. Can't really, anyway. One pro of being around K constantly is she's always around to see what I'm up to, so there isn't much opportunity for my brain to get up to it's "just a little" shenanigans. Also the boon of only having internet access through her and her laptop right now, makes it a lot easier to resist when she can see what I've been doing on it. I did try to relieve myself in the shower, as has become a habit, but... I just couldn't this time around. Partly because I've been trying to save it for her, but also... it just ain't what I need right now. The touch felt good, but my being is after more. Something more connecting, less mechanical. Something deeper, more primal than just getting my rocks off alone in the shower. I need the emotional and physical connection my imagination can't provide. And therein lies the rub.

I feared our disparate libidos would become an issue, and my fears seem to be getting proven. She's definitely been more receptive since I quit porn, but... agh, selfish as I feel saying it, not enough. I think I said this before, but for her, once a week is more than enough. To me, it feels like half as much as I "need", and a quarter as much as I want. Also part of it for her is that (as I've mentioned before I believe), if I don't orgasm with her, there's no point in her eyes. She needs guarantee that I can provide verifiable evidence that I've enjoyed my time with her or she doesn't want to do it. Whereas I don't see that as the be all for time well spent. And then she's also dealing with her own problems, depression and such, that inhibit her libido even more.


Throw that in with my imagination working overtime lately, going through all my fave fetishes and visuals, often combining them, and me still managing to resist and even dampen them at time... I've been in a sexual high key for days.

None of this is her fault, something I have to constantly remind myself of so that I don't build resentment against her, but that's one of those things easier said than done. And then today, I got the offer, after supper, and I should have taken her up on it, but the resentment I've been trying to prevent and suppress came out in the form of rejecting her offer. Partly because of how it was framed. See, her way of expressing desire is by asking me to bath with her. "What's wrong with that?" you might ask. Well, I've a pretty big frame. I'm 5'10 and my chest is 46" around, 24" across at the outside of my biceps (this is my widest point when my arms are down). I'm no body builder, but I'm not a small dude. So I typically shower, not because I don't enjoy soaking my bones (hot tubs are fantastic), but because it's much more comfortable than trying to wash all of me in a tub that's just wide enough and not near tall enough. In order to wash my hair, I have to lift my legs out of the tub so I can push my body down far enough to dunk my head. It's not comfortable. Now try cramming me in with another person. And still expect me to wash myself properly. And if I want to have sex with her, she nigh expects this of me before each time. It's like foreplay for her. See how this might be annoying for me? I have no problem with getting clean before getting dirty, who wants some sweaty smelly viking climbing on top of them? But I can't just have a shower before? Is there no other acceptable foreplay? Not really for her, it seems. So I foolishly rejected her offer out of pure annoyance and frustration. And now I'm regretting it. Upon writing this out, I now feel even more foolish, and even petulant, for it.

I don't know anymore, is it too much to ask that she desire me enough to want to be more sexually adventurous for me? Am I asking too much when I ask her to wear lingerie and stockings, and to set aside some time for us to play with rope and other things? Aye, it's only been a month and a half since I quit porn, and granted I haven't asked recently, but then... I haven't really seen any sign that I should. I feel it would just be more of the same rejection I received in the past. Maybe I'm being impatient? Maybe I'm letting myself focus too much on the sex?

Hello there! New to your thread, but it's been an interesting read. I have had problems with porn addiction, but on a smaller scale, (in my eyes anyway), and it all leads up to a pang of guilt afterward, (religious guilt) as if I am sinning in the eyes of the Lord. I am not crazy religious in any form or fashion, but as a woman, a believer in Jesus, (worse that I am having these urges on Easter now), I feel that I shouldn't be participating in it.

My fiance, he has a high libido. Granted, we are at the beginning of our relationship, so four times at a hotel stay had become our new normal - all four times him reaching a powerful orgasm, (one night it was five). But in recent months, as our relationship moved more toward long-term and we became engaged, our sex life tapered off - mostly because of his back injury, and he felt like he was doing all the work. I know I have to lose more weight to ride him better without my legs giving out - or even to try other positions which would take "the work" off his shoulders, but without those hiccups, we have a pretty healthy sex life.

Now, for him, the porn is poison. When he watches it, he would Google my real name and find women that looked like me to jerk off to - but like my bipolar disorder, he has schizophrenia which would cloud his mind and put delusions in his head that I was actually IN those pornos he was watching - turning him to accuse me of making those videos behind his back, (it got pretty bad at one point). His jealousy is a big headache for me; even as a bigger girl I am still quite a looker, and my Facebook is a problem for him, my best friend, (also my ex), is even a BIGGER problem - basically, ANY guy in my life besides him is a HUGE problem. I have had to hide my male friends from him, (I hate hiding behind his back), but he gets ballistic with any guy talking to me, even if it's innocent.

Besides that, he's a fantastic guy and honestly has been the best sex I have ever had, and no one in my life has ever loved me as much as he loves me.

The big test will come next Friday when he comes home from the hospital. (Corona Scare), and we spend this quarantine together EVERY DAY in each other's face since I have been furloughed from work.

Right now, the time I have had in my apartment by myself, I have watched porn only because I have internet everywhere and it's so accessible, but I have felt guilty about it every time. I am sitting here right now about to open a browser, but it's now almost 1 am on Easter, and I feel I shouldn't.

I am sorry your K doesn't want to participate in your fantasies or at least wear lingerie. Maybe one day she'll come around - I know I wasn't into any of that till late in my 30s, so I don't know where she's at. Also, I have had sex on my period and even though a little messy, its the best sex in the long run so don't let that time of the month stop you from having a sex life - especially since she can take care of YOUR needs at least during that time.

And to answer the last part of your post - 70% of happy couples report a healthy sex life, so when people say, "it's not really important," I think they are lying to themselves. Just my opinion, though.

Another not so great day. Started fine, got up and helped K cook some apple crisp for her mom's birthday. Got a little frisky with K afterwards before I hit the shower, and we were sharing some nice intimate moments with the promise of more to come after we delivered her mom's apple crisp. And then it went downhill after I got out of the shower.

As soon as I stepped out, the first thing that hit me was the smell of burning electrical. If you've ever smelled this, you KNOW that smell, and might even know how that can induce panic. I went searching and found the source almost immediately. Fortunately, the main breaker blew before the failed electrical outlet in the spare room could really catch alight. But fuuuuuu what an anxiety inducer that was. I killed the power, pulled out the outlet and disconnected the wires, made them all safe before turning power back on. Made sure nothing else was short-circuiting. Everything seemed fine.

We left an hour later to deliver the crisp. Came back after dark. No lights in the kitchen or the spare room, and the fridge wasn't working. WTF??? More anxiety. K starts pulling stuff out of the fridge to put in the snow while I tried to diagnose the problem. A phone call to my parents later, and I've figured it out. Disconnecting the plug cut the entire circuit, and apparently our kitchen lights and fridge are on the same circuit as an electrical outlet in the spare room... What. TF? So I've got the circuit restored by direct wiring the wires together until I can get replacement outlets, but talk about frustration. Thankfully, it doesn't appear anything in the fridge got too warm.

But hey, guess where that leaves me? If you guessed "foiled and sexually frustrated once again", winner winner chicken dinner, you're correct. So here I am, trying to distract myself away from a relapse.

Btw, I was browsing through some porn addiction forums today, looking for more information and people directly dealing with similar problems to me, and... man, I don't know if I can join those forums. I might suck it up and deal in the hopes of camaraderie and useful information, but I'm not sure I'll find it there. Seriously, one of the threads I had the misfortune of clicking on was a guy trying to claim that masturbation caused all kinds of physical defects and deficiencies, like stunting your growth and de-calcifying your teeth. I wish I was making that up. Worse, the first five responses were people basically thanking him for "preaching the truth, brother!" before someone sane stepped in to debunk his crap. To be fair, most of the rest were similar posts of mockery and disbelief, but this first encounter has still left a bad taste on my tongue.

Most of the other threads I saw were less informative and more people begging for help quitting porn, which is less than useful for me. I'll probably go back to browse some more before I give up on it, but I'm not hopeful.


In good news, however, I have started using a daily journal to help me track my progress and goals, and I have to say, while only a few days in now, it seems promising. Will update on that more as I get further along.

Finally, I've been struggling with another old habit of mine lately, related to porn but not nearly as visually explicit. I believe I mentioned I feel I'm addicted to erotic literature as well (I mean, it is in the title). My mind has been trying to play the "but it's not porn" game with this, and while technically true, this is not good for me because I still had similar habits and failings using that medium as I did with porn. I had one site that was my go to, and I could spend hours browsing through stories on there. Wasted way more time than I can admit on that site. In fact, I often enjoyed stories more than I did porn. I found them more mentally stimulating (which I've found a key factor in my arousal) and this in turn influenced my porn tastes. I hated porn that was poorly acted, because while it might have all the visuals, it was so jarringly immersion breaking. Also, if it didn't have some sort of context or story or setting, I had trouble enjoying it. Porn for porn's sake was just not my forte typically (though not a hard rule. hehe, hard... I'll show myself out).


However, one thing porn provided that stories could not... was audio. Oh lord, that was one thing that definitely got me going back to porn over and over was the audio. I loved the sounds, especially when it was evident the actress was thoroughly enjoying herself (or was just incredibly good at faking it). In turn, if it was evident that they were forcing their vocalizations, there was no greater turn off for me. This one puzzles me though. I'm not sure why I'm such an audiophile. Is it just built into me? Did I develop it? Was there a trigger in my youth perhaps? Maybe it's the imagination of it that gets me going. Like, if I was sleeping in a room next to a girl's room, and I started hearing the faint sounds of her masturbating, especially if she was trying to keep it quiet, but just wasn't quite managing... this gets me incredibly aroused. Even just thinking about it increases my heart rate. Is this unusual or more common than I think?


Another line of musing I've been pondering is whether porn was ENTIRELY bad for me or if it was an aid in helping me explore my own likes and desires without the risk of involving other people before I was ready. I don't think I'd have figured out what some of my core turn-ons are without having been exposed to them through porn. The feeling would have been there, but perhaps porn helped bring it out in the open and caused me to realize it? Again, I don't want to go back to porn, the addiction is real and fearsome, but... if not porn, what then would have helped me figure these things out? Is there healthier means of exploration? Because I can't help but think blundering into these things through sex might have turned really messy... even dangerous in some cases. Does that make sense? Am I just blowing smoke up my own rear?

MB, So sorry for the frustration. The bathtub option definitely sounds like a no go based purely on logistics. Would she be amenable to showering? Also, if showering together helps her get in the mood, could you indulge her? That seems like a harmless "sacrifice".

Oh, I feel your pain on the stay at home mandate. I'm considered essential so I get to escape to the hangar, but I just fly and go home unless there's maintenance to be done. My husband works two days a week, three to four hours each day so he's home more. He's a homebody anyway and just sits and dreams up a million things for me when I get home. I flew a 13.5 hour day on Thursday, staggered in the door at home and then started my next full time job because he had dreamt up a gazillion chores.

Sometimes, people are just aroused by certain things and turned off by certain things. Beyond that, I think there is wriggle room to learn and develop a taste for them. I'm just going to throw this out there, but I was pretty vanilla going into college. I was gently introduced to and learned to enjoy light BDSM as a submissive. It was done very gently and we always had a safe word and my pleasure was always a prime consideration. It took a little convincing for me to try it out, but it was always safe and enjoyable. Most of the orgasms I get while tied up are mind blowing. I think the only consideration I had to throw in was that I sometimes get itchy and someone would have to help me scratch.

And I'm just going to throw this one out too...just putting on stockings gets me aroused for some reason. I like wearing just that and maybe heels too.

Sorry about the home malfunctions. Talk about a mood crusher that was totally unexpected. Yes, we once had a short in the cockpit and talk about an attention getter. Every other priority goes on the back burner other than keeping the bird in the air.

I like this forum in that people will actually engage with you on the issue and seem to care and not just throw out BS. Hmmm, regarding erotic literature, I can actually see that as a positive provided it's not an addiction and doesn't disrupt your ability to function as a person and a lover. I think it can generate good ideas and things to act upon. I enjoy good role play and think it can add a good dimension to one's love life.

LS, I empathize with the jealousy you are getting. One part does seem to be related to schizophrenia, but the jealousy of any guy in your life I can relate to. I mentioned that I can be kind of flirty and I had my headset taken from my xbox. I also have this friend I have mentioned, who has probably has BPD and other issues. He believes that we are in a relationship and has repeatedly demanded that I give up every man in my life. I hope it goes well when he returns from the hospital.

Playing off of what you said, I say, sex is like air. It's not a problem unless you're not getting any.

K's not a fan of showers. She enjoys lounging in a hot bath and soaking up the heat, which I think is a big factor in it. She loves the warmth. So showering together is probably not a go, though I will try suggesting it. Because I'd love it, personally. All that wet naked skin for me to roam my hands over... yep, love it.

And gawds yes, stockings and nothing but... the stuff of wonderful dreams. Since we're sharing, my thing I wear that gives me arousal is c*** rings. I love that snug feeling around my base, that constant reminder. Love how it draws the eyes down there, becomes a point of fixation. I love wearing one under my clothes, my naughty secret, and then surprising K with the fact I've been wearing one all day. I'd like to get a nice metal one, but have been having trouble finding the right size in the style I like. And metal needs to be sized correctly, it doesn't have the leeway silicone has.


Alas, erotic literature, at least at this point, is something I know I can be addicted to, and that at least for now I need to avoid. This actually pains me more, much more, than abstaining from porn. There's so much well put together words can convey that porn can not. And I sorely miss that right now.

Right now, I'm hoping the stars align and I can get some dedicated time for me and K to reconnect to our mutual enjoyment of bondage. You'd think it would be easy what with the quarantine and all, but surprisingly, no. It's not. Not when you're trying to align libidos.

Bit of an update. Been taking a break from posting while I process some things I've been thinking through, and reading, and more recent events.

First off, the day after my last post, K and I had a very satisfying lovemaking session. And what a relief that was. I dunno how apparent it was, but I was losing my mind! I never really understood why some people struggle to focus or think while they're being deprived of sexual relief... I now think I can relate. Before, I was always free to relieve myself when I had the need, I'd do it regularly, sometimes two or three times in a day. But when I was abstaining for that long week... sex was pretty much ALL I could think about for the last couple days, especially being cooped up with K with no real distractions (like work, and I think I would have even struggled at work). Now, after we'd made love, it's like a fog has been lifted. My thinking has so much more clarity, I can focus better... it would be unbelievable for me if I wasn't experiencing it.

Now I'm starting to see a cycle in my sexual patterns. After sex, I can go all day without thinking much about it, and the thought doesn't occupy much of my thinking power or time spent pondering it. It starts like this, and then slowly ramps up for the next few days. Day three (yesterday) after sex, it's on my mind, but manageable. I can still focus effectively on tasks and problem solving, but it's very much there in the background. I suspect if this continues, by day five of abstaining I will be having very frequent thoughts about... anything sexual. And the urge to masturbate will be almost constant. Right now, I'm hit by the desire to masturbate every few hours, especially upon waking in the morning. It will be interesting to observe how things go from here (if a bit maddening). Also, for some reason, discussing sex and sexual things, like on here, helps me manage my urges. It's like getting it out in the air instead of cooped up inside me keeps it from brewing and bubbling over into relapses.

During the last day before I got relief, and in subsequent days as I've had access to the computer, I also went on a bit of a dive into the Sexual and Gender Issues forum, looking for any clues or answers as to how I can manage our disparate libidos, and in turn maintain my abstinence from porn and similar content. I've identified at least one problem I need to work on, and that's my communication.

My communication is abysmal, and even borders on abusive (though unintentionally). I have some bad habits I've developed and I need to start working on correcting them. For example, when K and I get into an argument (and I do this in other relationships), I tend strongly to shut down and not say anything, the silent treatment. This will persist until K finally says something out of frustration that gets me to break my silence, usually in counter-productive manner. I'm probably going to start a couple new posts, one in Relationships and Communication, and another in Sexual and Gender Issues, to help keep this one focused on helping me manage my addictions, and to get better focused input on those more specific issues.


As for how I'm doing on the addiction front... still going strong, though I've had a couple close moments admittedly. During the last day before relief, I was going batty with need! I'm still not sure how I even abstained from masturbating, but I did, and I'm glad I did. Though I want to find a way to limit how often it gets that bad, because that bordered on unmanageable. And last night, I almost had a relapse while playing a video game and K was sleeping next to me. I wanted to click into a browser and look up a fave erotic story of mine that I used to use for imagination inspiration (think roughly 16th-17th century BDSM/Non-con with privateers and public punishment/exhibitionism. Hits so many of my likes/fetishes). I resisted, but barely, and that was by reminding myself of how disappointed K would have been if she woke up and caught me, how hurt. So last night was when I recognized the signs that my need is ramped up again. If I don't get relief over the next couple days, it's going to get much worse. And by day 6 and 7, I'll be thinking about nothing but sex, sex, sex. I hope I can find a way to communicate my needs to K and that we can come up with a suitable solution. Fingers crossed.

It truly is a one step at a time matter and I'm proud that you are holding strong. Communication is such an important thing in any relationship. I have a very difficult time with people who are "my way or the highway" types or the kind who just gloss over your needs. I think that is great that you had that insight. Only with good introspection can we hope to see why something is not going right and fix it. It sounds silly and simple, but I found that switching to the "I" statements when discussing needs and issues really helped. I can really empathize with what you say about putting up a wall. I learned that from my dad and I do the same thing. When I feel my husband's Crescendo of Doom beginning, I start to dig trenches and harden bunkers for the coming onslaught. He has gotten better, but most times he's a steamroller, unable to process disparate information and unable to listen. He has an agenda and that is to win the fight. I go underground and start the guerrilla war, striking at the flanks and rear since a discussion or a head to head confrontation will not work.

I hear you on how the mind steadily moves towards sex. It's a human need and some need it more than others. Sexual pleasure is a foundation of my emotional well being and I think about it a lot. I draw a lot of inspiration from video games. I hate to admit that my Skyrim game turns into a Harlequin Romance, bodice ripping adventure in my head.

Give this some good thought on how to communicate what you need. It's important. When I was introduced to BDSM it was trust and good communication that convinced me to give it a try.

@ARaven0137 hahaha, yeah, I'll admit I do the same with many of the RPG's I've played. Mass Effect and Witcher in particular. Speaking of Harlequin's, those are a guilty pleasure for me. Likely because of nostalgia, they were what got me into reading anything romance and eventually erotic related. I mean, looking back on them with a critical eye, most of them are pretty poorly written and cooky cutter, but there's still... something about them that if I had time alone with some, I'd likely still end up reading them.

Mass Effect?!?! Nooo, I think I'm in love! That is truly one of my favorite games of all time. I just finished ME3 again and am starting Andromeda once more.

Man, them Turians though... K and I both have a thing for the Turians. We tried roleplaying our Turian OC's together once, but our roleplaying styles and objectives are too different. We didn't get far with that. I'm very action oriented and in roleplaying I'm very much about the smut. She's more into the emotional aspect and the relationship between the characters. She's also a much better RP'er than I am. I only used to RP as a means of letting my sexual imagination loose. So while I like building the scenarios and the "world", and can do a pretty good job of that, it's so I have a well fleshed out world in which to... mess around in. Rather than enjoying the process and the character interplay it facilitates, which is what K is more into. It's interesting how much RP'ing can reveal about certain aspects of oneself, though.

Andromeda is bittersweet for me. On one hand, it's the best gameplay the series has ever had. The jump packs added a sorely needed element of verticality to the gameplay, and the way they revamped the powers system was excellent! On the other hand, the story was super lackluster for me, which is a shame, because it could have been the BEST story in that universe yet, all the potential was there. They had some good characters, the setting and context offered so much, and the seeds of an epic and moving story were sown... they just weren't given the time and resources to germinate into something fruitful. So it wasn't bad... but it wasn't great or what they had promised either. OH... and I was super disappointed with the culmination of romancing Vetra. She's one of my fave companion characters, and the actual romancing was full of sweetness and genuine romance building... but they chickened out on the SAUCE! Peebee and other characters got SAUCE, but not the Turian?! Smh, Bioware can be utter wusses sometimes, lol. That's okay, K and I (back when Andromeda first came out) found some really good Turian... ahem, spicy artists that helped fill in this gap. It's too bad I can't go back and look at them now, but that's just the way it be.

I once did a cosplay as Miranda Lawson. Yeah, it was kinky, so I get the smutty aspect! I do love the relationship in the game too so both parts appeal to me. I even did a lot of fanfiction for ME and some other genres and yeah, they were somewhat romancey.

Yes, I really liked the gameplay. I did miss having nearly all of your powers at your disposal rather than just three. Yes! The premise was incredible and so was the beginning. I suspect that, like ME, they anticipated a sequel and DLC to where they could have build upon the universe. Oh, agreed! The Garrus romance was...ok in it's ending where you just put your heads together. C'mon, really? I thought the Jaal romance from femRyder was the best. I haven't done manRyder yet, but I hear Cora is pretty good.

Call me an ME fangirl, but I had backstories for all of my multiplayer characters. I got pretty good and one of my friends was top 20 in the US.

Been struggling the last few days with some issues. My depression is back, which has in turn caused my sleep schedule to be all over the place as I can't fall asleep until the early hours of the morning and then I just want to sleep all day. K doesn't let me, which makes me grumpy, but she's right not to let me sleep the day away. But, this has caused feelings of resentment in me, which have been compounded by my sexual frustration. Add on top of this one of my wisdom teeth coming in and causing me unending pain for the last few days, and well... I'm not feeling so great. That problem even makes it difficult for me to eat right now. We just had four feet of snow melt in less than a week, so the yard is nothing but slop. Can't even get the car down the driveway (because it's only a claytop driveway right now until we can get some gravel in). So trying to get any yard work and cleaning done feels like it only makes things worse at times. And I feel like I haven't gotten done any of the tasks I'd set for myself this month. So overall, feeling crappy as heck these past few days, and this has made porn look mighty appealing.

I even had a small relapse last night. I clicked onto the erotic literature site I'm so fond of, opened up a story. I got a couple paragraphs in before I was spooked by K rolling over in her sleep, which made me panic and click out of it. Felt like crap afterwards. I knew I'd have a relapse, but that doesn't make it suck any less. And even so, right at this moment that site is calling to me. I don't feel like I can talk with K about it, just the mere mention of it makes her angry. So here I am trying to hang on, distracting myself with this post.

I did, however, finally work up the courage and some words to say to K to try and communicate how I'm feeling, what with my sexual frustration and all. It was difficult, but I'm glad I tried. Difficult because I was forced to confront my own failings (yet again) and how they contribute to K's low libido being even lower. But, some good did come of it. We came to the agreement that it is okay for me to masturbate to help manage my needs. I didn't manage to convey all I felt I needed to convey, as our discussion became sidetracked and bogged down in other stuff, as it so often does, but we did manage that, and we didn't have a blow up, so I'm calling it a win in my book. I'll see how things go, and how well I do working on my problems that K brought up, and I'll try again to continue the communication. I feel like I didn't convey the level of my needs, that even when I've brought it up in the past, she didn't quite "get" what my needs are. She might not again, but at least I'll be trying. And I feel I need to work on better understanding her needs so that we've a more harmonious sexual relationship. She brought up good points that I need to discuss with her more.


In the meantime, going to be doubling down on my mindfulness exercises, and trying to get over my depression funk by FINALLY getting some stuff done around here, try to get back into some semblance of a sleep schedule. I feel that now I have permission to masturbate freely, I'll be able to manage that need better, and hopefully have an easier time getting to sleep.

Oh hang in there! I'm glad there was some movement towards a happier medium and it sounds like communication is getting better.

I think I've hit a new low in my marriage becoming an awkward roommate arrangement and I think my BPD stalker is hitting terminal velocity in his rush towards becoming a supernova. We've moved past the sobbing, screaming phase into the self harm, cutting himself, throwing himself on the floor and pounding it phase. Like seriously, pounding on the floor, screaming how terrible I am. I never thought I would see something like that in an adult, but it's right there on video. I feel the temptation to tell him to stop, but I know it's his manipulation. On the note of masturbation, I'm still horrified and amazed that he can be bawling like an infant and sexually aroused at the same time. When you thought you'd seen it all....

Hang in there and I feel you know the way forward.

Figured an update is well overdue. I've been hanging in there. Still managing to resist porn, have had some tough moments, again induced by not being careful enough on youtube, but I've largely managed to get out quickly enough once I've realized I'm in a trigger zone. I've had some improvement with weathering my depression, managed to push through and get done some projects I've been needing to get done. Got my chicken coop built, just waiting on trim and osb sheeting for the interior to finish it up, and I've already got my chicks in there, cheep cheeping away. So that was a big weight off my shoulders. We got our garden in as well, with some success already so far. Still waiting on other seeds to sprout up, but we've got beans, onions, and radishes all growing. Waiting on potatoes, peas, and carrots to show themselves (fingers crossed). Also recently got a bunch of cleaning up down around the property, getting my dad's junkyard more organized and less noticeable. All of this has helped me distract myself from my addiction, which is a yay from me.

Next big projects I need to get underway are getting my wood shop built (still just a floor atm), building a root cellar ASAP, and getting firewood stocked up for the coming winter. So I've plenty more to distract myself with.

Finally, while I have been very successful on the porn front... I'm still struggling with erotic literature. During the course of getting projects done and stuff cleaned up, I happened upon a stash of erotic books I had tucked away in storage... and I have failed to stay away twice now. I really ought to get rid of them, but I'm loathe to burn them (I hate burning books), and I still feel like it would be for nought anyway (due to my prior attempts that I've described). I've been able to stay away for about three weeks now, but the struggle is real. And this in turn has led to massive cravings to go on the-erotic-literature-site-that-I-shall-not-name. Almost as difficult to endure as when I first quit porn. So yeah, not all sunshine and dandelions, but, still trucking along.

I should also update how things are on my relationship front. Mostly good, tbh. Our relationship has improved quite a bit, there's a lot less tension between us now, laughter and mutual enjoyment of each other's company comes a lot easier, which is great. However, on the sex end of things, mostly the same. We're still only having sex about once every couple weeks, and when we do have sex, my ejaculation dysfunction is still very present. For both of the last two times, I had to finish myself by hand, and it was a fight up a mountain to get there. Other than that, both times were splendid, but my dysfunction still really put a damper on the mood at the end. I think this is definitely a factor in the frequency of our sex.

That's about it. No miracles, no disasters, just taking it a step at a time. K and I have been discussing doing yoga together, we just haven't had the time to get a proper space cleared up for it. I'm interested in it after learning about the benefits it has for cardio as well as flexibility. I feel like it could provide a massive improvement for me as a fighter, and of course the mental benefits as well. We'll see.