[WastingAsparagus]

Hi, I need some help on the following topic. It's embarrassing to admit but I have an addiction to webcam pornography and I cannot get over it. I have tried to use willpower alone but that never works and I end up spending money on it still. I know it's not a good use of money but I always try to rationalize it to myself and I know that's not good either. I have never had a good relationship with a woman, and I feel like my relationship with women has always been sabotaged by my mental illness issues, so that is why I turn to webcam pornography, since it's a way to numb the pain of never fitting in emotionally around women (or around anyone, really). I guess that's all I had to share. Oh, and also, I am not even spending my own money on it. It's my parents' money, which I need to survive, so that's another aspect of it that makes it even more embarrassing. I feel like such a screw-up. Does anyone know of anything that might help me stop doing this?

[Skeezyks]

Here are links to 6 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may at least offer some "food for thought" regarding how to proceed:

How Much Porn is Too Much Porn?

Overcoming Cravings for Porn and Addictive Sex | The Impact of Sex Addiction

Porn-Proofing Your Life to Avoid Sex Addiction Relapse | The Impact of Sex Addiction

Quitting Porn: The 6 Biggest Mistakes | The Impact of Sex Addiction

Frequent Porn Addiction Relapse: 3 Tough Things You Must Do | The Impact of Sex Addiction
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-a...dium=popular17

[sarahsweets]

Sex Addicts Anonymous - SAA

Originally Posted by skibum801

Hi, I need some help on the following topic. It's embarrassing to admit but I have an addiction to webcam pornography and I cannot get over it. I have tried to use willpower alone but that never works and I end up spending money on it still. I know it's not a good use of money but I always try to rationalize it to myself and I know that's not good either. I have never had a good relationship with a woman, and I feel like my relationship with women has always been sabotaged by my mental illness issues, so that is why I turn to webcam pornography, since it's a way to numb the pain of never fitting in emotionally around women (or around anyone, really). I guess that's all I had to share. Oh, and also, I am not even spending my own money on it. It's my parents' money, which I need to survive, so that's another aspect of it that makes it even more embarrassing. I feel like such a screw-up. Does anyone know of anything that might help me stop doing this?

[Paracelsus]

Your habit of using webcam comes from somewhere. You probably remember the first time. What lead you to that decision? Honestly if you knew the way those girls thought you wouldn’t pay money to have them see you.

[WastingAsparagus]

Originally Posted by Paracelsus

Your habit of using webcam comes from somewhere. You probably remember the first time. What lead you to that decision? Honestly if you knew the way those girls thought you wouldn’t pay money to have them see you.

It's a good point. The first time I used it was because I was lonely as heck and needed connection. That was why I turned to it. I know the girls on there couldn't care less about me, but I turn to it still.

I think it's out of frustration that I use it.

Anyway, I am trying not to use it these days. I have not used it for about a week and a half now.

[WastingAsparagus]

I am also addicted to regular porn... That is also a problem in my view...

[WastingAsparagus]

I am scared of acting out sexually so I am posting here instead of doing so... I know I will stay strong instead of caving to the urges. I just need somewhere to keep me accountable.

[Starlight987]

Willpower only takes you so far. The more you try to resist the urges, the stronger they become. It might be beneficial to you to cultivate a better self-image. From what you describe, it sounds like you might think that you're the problem and that your actions and urges are beyond you. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds to me that at the core, you're lonely. Maybe you blame yourself for not being able to have relationships with women; Blaming yourself doesn't solve the problem. Instead of trying to numb the pain, you'll have to work with it. Your pain tells you what you need to do in order to be happy and healthy. A forum like this is a good step because of the support and feedback you receive. So if you do read my message, know that there are other ways to work through this. The next time you feel like watching a porn model, stop and take a breath. Ask yourself if it's worth it. Ask yourself "Is this going to solve my problem and make me happy?" By giving yourself that moment to think before you act, you can effectively and consciously let that impulse go. Then instead of masturbating to porn, you might call a friend, talk to a parent, or do something else. Maybe you come back to this forum to tell us that you thought about webcam models but didn't watch or spend any money. Take every small victory and don't beat yourself up if you end up watching cam models.

Lastly, I want to comment on the word addiction itself. Obviously this is a sexual addictions forum, but I think the word addiction carries with it the stigma of shame. You do not have to feel ashamed. You do not have to feel stuck or at a loss of control. There's a part of you that knows what's best. I wish you luck as you continue to go on.

[WastingAsparagus]

Hi, I just wanted to say that I still have trouble with this.

I recently spent quite a bit of money on it (webcam sex chat).

However, I am thinking more about what I had said here before, and I realized I do have a fair amount of guilt and shame around this topic.

I'll have to work through that, I think.

[medievalbushman]

Hey, hope this finds you well. Been going through similar problems myself. I have a thread of my own in here detailing it. It's been a while since you were last active on this thread, which is okay, I just want to get a sense of where you're at now. Did you start doing any kind of exercises or activities to try and help you curb your addiction when you were here last?

[WastingAsparagus]

Originally Posted by medievalbushman

Hey, hope this finds you well. Been going through similar problems myself. I have a thread of my own in here detailing it. It's been a while since you were last active on this thread, which is okay, I just want to get a sense of where you're at now. Did you start doing any kind of exercises or activities to try and help you curb your addiction when you were here last?

Hi, yes, I tried for a while to just put it out of my mind, which didn't really work.

The next iteration was trying to just use pornography instead of webcam sex, which did not work either because it eventually led to more webcam sex.

I am trying to get intentional about what I do online, and to curb the impulses I have. It's just tough because I live with my parents for now, and for now I am connected with their credit card, and whenever they find out that I've used the sex chats, they get angry. This leads to a lot of shame and guilt for me.

For now, I am going to try to exercise daily and use an app like Brainbuddy and meditate daily (I have had a steady meditation practice for years now).

I am also trying to be more open on this forum and control my impulses before I act on them.

[medievalbushman]

Well hey, sounds like you're already on a good track. If I may, I found a channel that provides a lot of great information and ideas that may assist you in your quest. YouTube There's a lot to absorb in there, so take your time and try not to get overwhelmed.

And yeah, we all learn the hard way it seems, trying to "ween" ourselves off of pornographic material just doesn't work. I tried for years, and it only got worse. Sexual addiction is unlike any other addiction out there because of how it hijacks your neural pathways. Consistently, the best results I've heard of were achieved by quitting porn cold turkey and trying to stick to that. And don't fool yourself, porn and webcam girls are pretty much the same thing, just different in delivery and level of interaction. Also, don't beat yourself up if you relapse. In all my research and looking around, I haven't found any porn addicts who didn't at some point or another have a relapse. There are varying levels of recovery, though, and the more you prepare yourself with a contingency plan to help you recover from a relapse, the better you'll do.

A huge factor in the successes I've had thus far has been my practice of mindful awareness. It's taken me a while to wrap my head around it, and I don't think I've quite got it still, but I think I've come to a decent understanding of it. Skeezy actually shared a really good article about it with you earlier in this thread, I highly recommend reading it and applying what it says. Because man, it sure proved true for me. In the past when I tried to quit, when I got cravings and I tried to resist them, shut them out, it only made it worse because I focused on them. Instead, let them exist in you, breath with them, and remember that they will pass like all things do in time. Don't worry over it, don't shame yourself for having these thoughts and desires, and just breath. It will pass. Distractions can help so long as you don't try to bash yourself or try to suppress you cravings with them. They should only be something for you to help pass the time while you wait for the craving to pass.

Week one might seem alright. but I'm gonna worn you: week two and three are harsh. If you can get past week three without succumbing, it usually gets easier. BUT. Be warned, any kind of sexual material puts you at risk of triggering a relapse. Try to avoid such things to give yourself the best chance of success. Good luck!

[WastingAsparagus]

I figured I should give an update here. I recently succumbed to my addictive behavior and had a big relapse. I didn't feel the effects of it until I skipped school the following day because of the depression from the relapse. I don't understand why I consider that I can just do these things without any consequences. It's almost as if I think I walk on water or something. It's quite bizarre. I don't understand myself sometimes. This was last Friday. I missed class on Saturday, and hence, decided to take a break from school from now on, though I want to finish my graduate program at some later time. It's like I look to authority to tell me what to do, too, but when they tell me what to do, I don't follow it. I am referring to therapists. Though it's weird, because therapists rarely give advice that I should or should not do a certain thing. Therapists have never told me I have a sexual addiction. I don't know why! It's weird. I don't understand why they won't use the word "addiction." Can't somebody just say in red, flashing letters on a screen that I "have an addiction?" I wish. If only it were that simple, I guess, then life would be a lot easier. I wish life were a great deal easier right now. It's hard not to succumb to these addictive behaviors. There is nothing I can really identify as a trigger except for school, really. So maybe taking a hiatus from school is actually a good idea. I think it is. Because I had never had that kind of stress that led me to these types of behavior until after I went to graduate school. I think it's a decent insight.

[WastingAsparagus]

Still struggling with this. I figure "hey I deserve to use my addictive crutch". But it's not that simple!

I am currently fighting boredom like no other.

I have resigned myself to turn off all my devices by 8pm, but that didn't work, cause I'm on here now. It's pretty bad.

[WastingAsparagus]

I actually have not resolved the problem quite yet. I mean, my therapist today was telling me that I can think of "living with a problem" and that I can "learn to live with the problem." That is how I am viewing it now. I thought I could "just get past it." But that doesn't seem to work. It is a real experience. So, I think if I learn to live with the problem, (of course meaning that I ideally don't engage in this behavior anymore at all), then life will get better.

[Desoxyn]

I used snort many stimulants and cam with people (Male or female, didn't matter) from 17-20 (When I was severely manic). I once made 3 guys and one woman (My ex e-girlfriend at the time - We had Skype sex every day for 3 months) cum in one day. I would even do it in other peoples houses at night, parachuting dopaminergic powders. I made a porn of myself and she orgasmed 7 times in a row and I thought "Really? I'm that hot?" - But it was never enough.. the validation.. I would stay up all night, through the morning..

I would masturbate 5-7 times a day, but at one time (While snorting chlorinated methylphenidate and a fentanyl analogue), I masturbated 15 times in 24 hours - Out of my mind, feelings of dopaminergic ecstasy (And then crashing, writing down my thoughts, extreme sadness - Which people came to see as my normal).

I would also entertain people by cutting myself (On my arms with a knife) and putting the blood on my face, etc, drinking alcohol, throwing up - I'd also boof half a gram of ethylphenidate at a time and sit, dopamine stoned, accidentally broke my computer - But before that, I'd talk with people on regular video chats, people talking about the universe, smoking DMT (And I'd snort lines on camera but just listened, autistically). I thought.. What a good idea to try psychedelics.

I was seeking constant validation because I was so addicted + In isolation, neglected and abused by narcissists.

It was a weird world, online. Snap chatting + On chats, I'd usually be there for the random suicidal people. I always liked to talk with people about life and what the addiction was doing to us (And some insane guy, talking about impact energy weapons etc) - While people were horny and stupid, I'd just talk to people but also myself, making up stories or rhyme sentences/rap while listening to music. I seemed like the only person there with a soul.

One other bisexual bf I had, we got together after fighting over this one girl.. So we decided to cam "Whoever cums last wins" - And I did. We were the type about "Fight over who gets to be the 'top'". Eventually, I started getting worse negative symptoms of schiz and just stopped doing that stuff.. In the end, his last message was "**** me.." lmao

Then after my bad 4-AcO-DMT trip, I wanted to do it again - But I was extremely traumatized and decided that I should "Cam for money" - So I went onto chaturbate, turned on the camera and someone said "You will be a big hit on here" - And I thought to myself, "What am I even doing? Like I'm an object where old men can jerk off to me? - That is so gross..". It's an endless void that never fulfills and ends up leaving you empty and hollow.

So I left and never did it again. I never came back. I started working on myself, learning about the world (Instead of avoiding it), moved out of isolation and became a brand new person. It's been 5+ years. I thought of myself as asexual for a while (And even porn, I barely watch - It was an interesting time for sure).

Listen to that voice in your head (Your conscience) - It's ok to do these things.. But practice self control, everything can be done in moderation.. But it's best to just STOP - and if you can't, distract.. Anything is better really - You get cut off from society, normal real life.. so.. ^-;

[WastingAsparagus]

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I used snort many stimulants and cam with people (Male or female, didn't matter) from 17-20 (When I was severely manic). I once made 3 guys and one woman (My ex e-girlfriend at the time - We had Skype sex every day for 3 months) cum in one day. I would even do it in other peoples houses at night, parachuting dopaminergic powders. I made a porn of myself and she orgasmed 7 times in a row and I thought "Really? I'm that hot?" - But it was never enough.. the validation.. I would stay up all night, through the morning..

I would masturbate 5-7 times a day, but at one time (While snorting chlorinated methylphenidate and a fentanyl analogue), I masturbated 15 times in 24 hours - Out of my mind, feelings of dopaminergic ecstasy (And then crashing, writing down my thoughts, extreme sadness - Which people came to see as my normal).

I would also entertain people by cutting myself (On my arms with a knife) and putting the blood on my face, etc, drinking alcohol, throwing up - I'd also boof half a gram of ethylphenidate at a time and sit, dopamine stoned, accidentally broke my computer - But before that, I'd talk with people on regular video chats, people talking about the universe, smoking DMT (And I'd snort lines on camera but just listened, autistically). I thought.. What a good idea to try psychedelics.

I was seeking constant validation because I was so addicted + In isolation, neglected and abused by narcissists.

It was a weird world, online. Snap chatting + On chats, I'd usually be there for the random suicidal people. I always liked to talk with people about life and what the addiction was doing to us (And some insane guy, talking about impact energy weapons etc) - While people were horny and stupid, I'd just talk to people but also myself, making up stories or rhyme sentences/rap while listening to music. I seemed like the only person there with a soul.

One other bisexual bf I had, we got together after fighting over this one girl.. So we decided to cam "Whoever cums last wins" - And I did. We were the type about "Fight over who gets to be the 'top'". Eventually, I started getting worse negative symptoms of schiz and just stopped doing that stuff.. In the end, his last message was "**** me.." lmao

Then after my bad 4-AcO-DMT trip, I wanted to do it again - But I was extremely traumatized and decided that I should "Cam for money" - So I went onto chaturbate, turned on the camera and someone said "You will be a big hit on here" - And I thought to myself, "What am I even doing? Like I'm an object where old men can jerk off to me? - That is so gross..". It's an endless void that never fulfills and ends up leaving you empty and hollow.

So I left and never did it again. I never came back. I started working on myself, learning about the world (Instead of avoiding it), moved out of isolation and became a brand new person. It's been 5+ years. I thought of myself as asexual for a while (And even porn, I barely watch - It was an interesting time for sure).

Listen to that voice in your head (Your conscience) - It's ok to do these things.. But practice self control, everything can be done in moderation.. But it's best to just STOP - and if you can't, distract.. Anything is better really - You get cut off from society, normal real life.. so.. ^-;

Thanks for sharing, Desoxyn, I appreciate it.

[WastingAsparagus]

Eh, I am back into addicted zone. Dang it.

[WastingAsparagus]

I think I am going to try to go to SAA meetings again. I just wish the addiction didn't have such a hold over me. Dang. I keep deluding myself.

[downandlonely]

Someone mentioned Sex Addicts Anonymous. Have you tried attending an online meeting? I am asking because I've done Overeaters Anonymous and am now doing Co-dependents Anonymous. The 12 steps were really life-changing for me. Plus having the support of people with similar addictions.

[WastingAsparagus]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

Someone mentioned Sex Addicts Anonymous. Have you tried attending an online meeting? I am asking because I've done Overeaters Anonymous and am now doing Co-dependents Anonymous. The 12 steps were really life-changing for me. Plus having the support of people with similar addictions.

Yeah I'm going to tonight actually - I'm attending a teleconference meeting and then I will go to an online meeting during the week when the one I usually go to is happening. I just fell off the wagon. Thanks.

[Procrastonator]

I've personally spent around £100 - £200 on OnlyFans, as well as watch porn on a daily basis as well. I'm guessing a lot of people have the same issue as you, since I have visited cam sites as well and can see how it is addicting to spend money on it.
This is my personal take on it, but I think the way cam sites work is by creating the idea of "Make me cum by paying money", or "Get girl attention by spending money". In a way, Twitch text to speech donations are similar as well, in the idea that you get special attention.

I have learnt a technique that may be useful to reduce intrusive urges. A big mistake is to completely ignore the urge, since that will make it shout louder. Instead, you need to acknowledge that yes, you have an urge to visit porn sites. But then instead of following that thought, you need to focus on whatever you were doing at the time. So if you were working on a project, let that urge stay, but slowly bring your attention back to what you are doing. But don't push the urge out. My therapist calls this "Urge surfing", where you let it stay and it may continue to go higher. However it should eventually pass and the urge will go away. Another way to think of it is rainy weather. The rain will come, but it will also eventually go away.

[CANDC]

@Procrastonator @WastingAsparagus
Urge surfing works for me on many types of urges. It is not a cure all but it does give a method to start the process of managing urges and not always giving in. At first there might not be lots of success but just keeping the practice going the results can improve.

Mindfulness is also a great tool to help and this is a great introduction to this area of coping

hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

[MaverickLovesYou]

You stop by knowing those webcam girls don't care about you & they're just doing their job