Issues regarding affection.......

moodyblue83 · Mar 12, 2023, 07:18 AM

I'm at the point of my life now where sex is all but nonexistent.
I have a partner who will not fulfill my needs because she's become a-sexual due to physical reasons. She also will not hug me or touch me during the day. I need physical contact and affection ! She can do without it. I think money gets her off , not touching. I don't want to step outside the marriage and create any new drama but I'm dying inside. She knows she has the upper hand and is playing it out for all it's worth. I'm an old sentimental dinosaur in this world. Dear God help me or take me.

Yaowen · Mar 12, 2023, 10:24 AM

I can definitely identify with you from past unhappy experience although now I live alone. I wish your wife would change her ways and be affectionate towards you. I also wish I had some helpful advice but sadly I am at a loss. My heart goes out to you.

Mendingmysoul · Mar 12, 2023, 12:14 PM

@moodyblue83,some women hesitate to take the initiative regarding intimacy. Your wife seems tobe one of those.You said you need some kind of physical contact,touching or HUGS during the day .Why don't you go hug her or do some kind of affectionate touching yourself.Do it multiple times and see if she mellows down.Come back here to share with us,what happened when you hug or touch her.Sometimes there are simple solutions to things.I am positive she will react to your affection and things will be back on track for you.I am really curious to know, so please comeback to tell if that worked.

moodyblue83 · Mar 16, 2023, 06:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

@moodyblue83,some women hesitate to take the initiative regarding intimacy. Your wife seems tobe one of those.You said you need some kind of physical contact,touching or HUGS during the day .Why don't you go hug her or do some kind of affectionate touching yourself.Do it multiple times and see if she mellows down.Come back here to share with us,what happened when you hug or touch her.Sometimes there are simple solutions to things.I am positive she will react to your affection and things will be back on track for you.I am really curious to know, so please comeback to tell if that worked.

I've tried what you said but unfortunately it didn't change anything. She'll NEVER make the first move. Your right , she's afraid of where it will lead to , ( btw : what's so bad about leading somewhere ? ). I've tried to initiate hugging , holding hands , kissing , but it all ends abruptly. She has no passion anymore. No desire for me like back in the day when she couldn't get enough. She's pushing me out the door and that's fine with me. I'll either live alone or shack up with somebody who's in the same situation. Getting very frustrated ....

OafFish · Mar 16, 2023, 10:04 AM

It's painful when love leaves the relationship. I'm sorry

Mendingmysoul · Mar 17, 2023, 10:11 PM

How old is she?What did you mean by she became asexual due to physical reasons?Can you elaborate on that?I remember you shared in another thread she lost her femininity. And she suffered from cancer.Did she go through mastectomy?Is that what you meant by losing femininity?

moodyblue83 · Mar 19, 2023, 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

How old is she?What did you mean by she became asexual due to physical reasons?Can you elaborate on that?I remember you shared in another thread she lost her femininity. And she suffered from cancer.Did she go through mastectomy?Is that what you meant by losing femininity?

She's in her 60's. Had a treatable blood cancer. It's about the hormones. She had to stop taking hormones because of the cancer scare. With a depletion of estrogen the desire to even think about sex goes out the window. It's like a male with low testosterone. Ain't nothing happening. I think it's best I just let it go. I really don't want to end the marriage over that one issue. But I have to say , I'm extremely frustrated.

Discombobulated · Mar 19, 2023, 06:54 AM

Did you talk to her about how you’re feeling? What was her reaction if you did?

Mendingmysoul · Mar 19, 2023, 12:08 PM

Thank you for sharing moodyblue83.Sounds like physiological issue.And she stopped reaching out with other forms of love and passion,i.e. touching, hugging,kissing, things like that.You crave it.I wish you find a solution and be content with it.

moodyblue83 · Mar 21, 2023, 02:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Did you talk to her about how you’re feeling? What was her reaction if you did?

I've TRIED to talk to her about this issue MANY times but all I get is no response , silence. And anger towards me for even bringing it up. I've been addicted to her love for so long that I've become a sap. I'm such a people pleaser that I can't break away.
I did once but went crawling back. I never met anyone else. She took me back. I have to remember that I have many issues that she doesn't understand or care to. She says I'm " high maintenance ". I know I have ailments but what about the oath we took once. For better or worse , right ?

moodyblue83 · Mar 21, 2023, 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Thank you for sharing moodyblue83.Sounds like physiological issue.And she stopped reaching out with other forms of love and passion,i.e. touching, hugging,kissing, things like that.You crave it.I wish you find a solution and be content with it.

I think SHE needs therapy but refuses to go. It's all MY fault.
I'm the one with the problems , not her. Like you said , I hope I find a solution before it's too late.

tnthomas52 · Apr 14, 2023, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moodyblue83

She's in her 60's. Had a treatable blood cancer. It's about the hormones. She had to stop taking hormones because of the cancer scare. With a depletion of estrogen the desire to even think about sex goes out the window. It's like a male with low testosterone. Ain't nothing happening. I think it's best I just let it go. I really don't want to end the marriage over that one issue. But I have to say , I'm extremely frustrated.

I can relate, my wife has had 3 cancers, two mastectomies and colon cancer surgery. She takes medication to suppress estrogen, to prevent more cancer. I'm out of luck, and on my own....

moodyblue83 · Apr 26, 2023, 03:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tnthomas52

I can relate, my wife has had 3 cancers, two mastectomies and colon cancer surgery. She takes medication to suppress estrogen, to prevent more cancer. I'm out of luck, and on my own....

I think you just said it all. To me her physical circumstances are what's holding her back. She was never that " affectionate " to begin with. Your right , I'm on my own. What's more frustrating is the fact that I can't even get my own self off. Boy , being older is sure different than being younger.

Procrastonator · Apr 27, 2023, 11:11 AM

I can think of a few options:

1) Consider looking into "kinks" that might excite her. It could involve adding other people to sexy time.

2) Talk about open relationship, or at least being able to have sex with others.

3) Ask her to help you get off, like her using hands instead of intercourse.

However, you can't force her to have sex woth you if she doesn't want to.

Mendingmysoul · Apr 27, 2023, 04:44 PM

Hi moodyblue83, in another post you said she has a lawyer and collected some info and filed it away to use against you.(you wrote you found a file while going through some old papers.)Looks like she has been planning something. Separation or even a divorce. May be? It looks like she too isn't happy in this marriage. May be at this moment it can't be salvaged anymore.What will you do if she files a divorce?(or else why would she gather as much as dirt on you like you mentioned?)

Samicat · May 10, 2023, 03:28 PM

I feel your frustration because my husband has ED and also says he is not attracted to me at my current weight (I am losing weight so we will see). We did have a good sex life for 25 years. He thinks it is normal not to want sex anymore (he's 64).

BUT he still hugs me, holds hands with me and kisses me (not passionate kissing). If he didn't do those things.

Are you satisfied if your wife would just hug you and hold hands? Or would you always be wanting more?

moodyblue83 · May 19, 2023, 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

Hi moodyblue83, in another post you said she has a lawyer and collected some info and filed it away to use against you.(you wrote you found a file while going through some old papers.)Looks like she has been planning something. Separation or even a divorce. May be? It looks like she too isn't happy in this marriage. May be at this moment it can't be salvaged anymore.What will you do if she files a divorce?(or else why would she gather as much as dirt on you like you mentioned?)

First of all she really doesn't have anything on me. She said her lawyer told her to gather stuff that would make me look bad. I don't want to get into specifics but for example she copied some of my psych evaluations. I never cheated on her so she has nothing there. She would never file for financial reasons.
Although we're both retired and she doesn't really need my income anymore it makes things easier for her.
I filed a few years back but it never got to court. It's very complicated. Bottom line is I can walk whenever I want to. And so can she. Oh Jezzzzzzz , I forgot what the topic was now Lol. I'm getting overwhelmed just thinking about this stuff.
That's it for now , I'll continue soon....." Thank you....

moodyblue83 · May 19, 2023, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Procrastonator

I can think of a few options:

1) Consider looking into "kinks" that might excite her. It could involve adding other people to sexy time.

.............You bring up interesting scenarios, But she won't even watch porn with me ! I know she's been with other guys but she plays the prude with me.

2) Talk about open relationship, or at least being able to have sex with others.

................ I don't think she would care if I cheated, so at least to get me off her back ! She says she's not interested in sex anymore.

3) Ask her to help you get off, like her using hands instead of intercourse.

................We can't have intercourse anyway due to her hysterectomy and lack of hormones , ( according to her ). She won't use her hands or any other way to help me get off. She won't even touch me !
She'll let me touch her but I have to masterbate myself which is getting old already.

However, you can't force her to have sex woth you if she doesn't want to.

.............And that's it. I beg her to go to couples therapy but she refuses. Seems like she doesn't care if I meet somebody else that would " like " me. I don't know why I even give an 💩 anymore !

Mendingmysoul · May 20, 2023, 01:54 PM

Moodyblue83, according to what you have shared here,I gather the issue of separation or divorce has been brewing for sometime now, but never materialized. Neither you nor your spouse have taken steps towards the completion, but initiated and left at that.Your original post was about lack of affection in your life.Can you separate lack of sex and lack of affection and then deal with them as issues independent of each other?You can develop an affectionate relationship outside the romantic one.For example you can sponsor an orphan and can have a bond and affection.It doesn't have tobe your wife giving you affection. She is denying it anyways.What I mean to say is affection has many forms and can come from different relationships. It doesn't have to relate with sex.How about your own children and grandchildren?If your grandkid squeals at the sight of you,isn't it a delight and form of affection?Can you try and find such alternate avenues?

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Affection	MissTery	Bipolar	8	Aug 08, 2014 04:27 AM
Trust Issues and Asking for Affection	Marie67	Borderline Personality Disorder	8	Jun 13, 2012 10:37 PM
Affection	ADDithers	Relationships & Communication	2	Feb 22, 2012 11:38 AM
Non-affection/detatchment issues...advice please? (Little Long)	afflicted	Personality Place	5	May 28, 2007 10:37 AM

Menu

Issues regarding affection.......

My Support Forums