Any others not "fit in" with GLBT culture

At first I was going to post do any other lesbians not fit in with lesbian culture. But I thought I bet maybe some guys may encounter the same issue, maybe bi's too and maybe even transgenders.

I can only speak from a lesbian prospective though, so here goes. I hate Pride and GLBT events because it all seems to be such negative behavior, porn and indecency going on at such events. Like I remember one Pride fest a girl reading explicit sexual poetry over a loud speaker and there were families with young children there! Or people were all but crawling into each others pants there in broad daylight.

But even worse I'm a lesbian that isn't butch yet not extremely femme either. Yet all the lesbians in my town I know are very butch. All they are into is mountainbiking and their dogs and having armpit hair that is 6 inches long. I mean that's all they talk about is dogs and where they went mountainbiking, climbing or hiking. They are just like little boys, not 40-60 year old mature women. They are all athletes even playing on ball teams when they are in their older years. Isn't there a time when you should grow up and act like an adult? I know exercise is good but they are like children. They are also overly indulgent and talk only about the latest electronic toys they have and none of them are active as volunteers and such unless its with GLBT organizations. Many of them refuse to interact with anyone who is not gay or lesbian. All the lesbians I know drink, yet I don't care to. I just don't fit in.

Am I the only mature somewhat feminine lesbian who doesn't have a dog nor mountain bike and has straight friends and doesn't play softball and shaves hers legs and pits, doesn't drink, have tatoos and a dozen piercings? I feel like such a weirdo. Oh and I'm still single btw. And I guess I'm even weirder because I really want children and a monogamous relationship for life.

There are many feminine lesbians here in Florida (as I have a few gay friends, males & females).... maybe you are living in the wrong state?

What do the feminine lesbians in Florida do? I mean are they all obsessed about their dog children and mountain biking? Or do they do more typical female things? Like house decorating, cooking and wanting to raise kids?

Honestly they do what every other person / lady does.... and they are far more into makeup and hair dos just like I am... I really don't see much difference in my gay female friends and my straight female friends.... now my gay male friends are another story - jk (lol) jk.

P.S.
there are the butch women too - and as I have been informed "someone has to be the man" -

oh i don't fit the mold either, but i am proud to be a unique lesbian. I do not drink, have tatoos, display my affections in public other than handholding, only my ears are pierced, none of my hobbies involve bikes or cars, i don't do sports. In my town we have all kinds of meet up clubs for lesbians. So far i have joined the lesbian book club and the lesbian coffee house. A lot of the women are actually a lot like you and me...other lesbians who share a common interest like reading or meeting new women over coffee while feeling accepted and safe and without feeling like a piece of meat...some women are in commited partnership and join as a couple. If you want, feel free to pm me for more info...this idea started up north and is spreading to different cities!

I can totally agree with you TrespassersWill,

I am not femme nor am I butch. I know what you mean though most lesbians I know try to act on the male side. I on the other hand. was a nanny now I work with children doing art. It's all about the children. I do run the other way when they do the PRIDE parade's. They say, "Oh, your still in the closet" or your ashamed to be lesbian. I say yes to that IF one draws attention to self through some other avenue versus showing what they do to better the world and teach the world about GLBT through intelligence. So Yes is my answer!

ThaCrew

when i used to immerse myself in GLBT culture (my ex was a covenor for a group on campus) i didn't find i blended in very well when we went out to clubs etc.

however, as i got to know more and more people on the scene, they would also learn to respect what i was comfortable with and i found that really awesome because they would organise stuff to include me. so whilst yes, a lot of them went to the footy on a saturday, we would also have picnics at the beach, go out for nice dinners etc. i even convinced them all to go to a high tea party once (the ladies were uncomforable, the gay boys lapped it up!).

your post kind of makes me feel a bit upset. yes, i didn't blend into the crowd either but i bothered to make friends with these people and treat them like individuals (instead of caricatures) and they did the same to me. i learnt that a lot of them wanted to start a family one day (this is not something i'm interested in myself) and i think i did a good job of challenging their initial perceptions of me also.

when i split with my ex i stopped frequenting the scene so much, and if i ever were to return i think there would be a bit of that 'outsider' feeling again. but i also know it's possible to be accepted for who i am, so long as i'm not actively pushing ppl away because they don't live up to my ideas of what is and isn't acceptable.

Deliquesce sorry my post made you feel upset. I did try to fit in with the local lesbians, but they were not accepting of me and would tell me I needed to do what they did. But I'm not a little boy. I don't want to ride bikes and I don't want a dog and call it a child. I used to go out to dinner with them but it was embarrassing. Call me bad if you like. But I found it embarrassing to be with these woman who wore sleeveless tops with 6 inches of sweaty armpit hair hanging out, baseball hat on backwards, arms covered in tattoos and cussing. Come on even most guys do not dress like that when going out. Actually I loathe armpit and leg hair on anyone. Tis disgusting.

I more prefer the company of my straight female friends just because they don't dress in a way that says they are trying to get attention. And they talk about normal life everyday things like what's going on in their life, politics, movies, travels, etc. Whereas the lesbians tend to talk loudly about sexual stuff right in front of everyone in the middle of a nice restaurant.

Maybe it's were you live. In Seattle where I live there all kinds of lesbian and bisexual womem. Some are very butch some are femme and some are inbetween or as I like to say "just me".
Last week I went out on a date with a 60 year old woman who is neither butch or femme. Neither am I. In fact I would have to say most of the gay women I know don't really fit into either catagory. However lots of us own dogs.

*crinkles up nose*

that kind of behaviour would make me really uncomfortable too. maybe it really is just where you live, or maybe there aren't groups for LGBTs who aren't of thats sort of stereotype. certainly, when i started organising other "less blokeish" stuff, a lot more lesbian femmes started popping up to our meetings. that was kind of exciting.

i dont know, though, it was easy for me because most of this happened through university. we also have a big GLBT culture here in sydney - a whole suburb with queer clubs/cafes/reading houses etc. so it is easy to find diversity.

Hello luvs!

I don't like it when anyone acts inappropriately, gay or straight, in public or otherwise. I like to have fun and sometimes that involves being off-color, but there's time and place!

I played, umpired, coached and was a bleacher seated fan of various sports for close to 35 years. If my body were willing, I'd still be doing it!

My friends run the gamut from drag queens to attorneys, bartenders to physicians, teachers to police. They are gay, straight, bi, trans, post & pre surgery, of color, male & female, etc.

Our best couple-friends are straight. Our best male friend is a 375 lb drag queen........funny man with a heart of gold!

My love of good friends transcends many lines - racial, socio-economic, sexual identity or preference. That doesn't mean I'm enamored of everyone or everything. I just try to be gracious and understanding or at least capable of it.

that's a really lovely post, notz.

and yes, you are right - i would have a problem with inappropriate behaviour, coming from anyone male/female gay/straight/whatever.

While I agree that inappropriate behavior in public is not acceptable from anybody and gives gay people a bad reputation because people have a tendancy to generalise this behavior to all gay people...it seems to me you are doing the same thing. You seem to say the way you are is the "right" way to be a lesbian.

If a 40 or 50 year old woman wants to play softball who cares? More power to her. If she likes dogs and mountain biking does that really mean she is should "grow up and act like an adult"? If a person wants tattoos and piercings who cares?

I am a butch lesbian with a dog and yes I often wear t-shirts with the sleeves cut off. I don't play ball or mountain bike likely cause I am too lazy but I do work on my car and ride a motorcycle. I do shave and I don't have any tattoos or piercings (even my ears) and no I do not drink. What is wonderfull is that my femme girlfriend loves me just the way I am.

It just seems to me you are doing what so many straight people do and are judging all by the actions of a few and also because they are different than you are. If you don't like the way they are and the things they like you need to just not hang out with that group. Find a social group who enjoy what you enjoy.

It seems like the lesbian "culture" is very butch, athletic, where drinking, smoking, and sex are prominent. In gay men it seems like sex, drugs (party drugs), smoking, drinking, and feminine characteristics (lisps?) are all over the place. I do not fit into the lesbian scene, but I'm not especially feminine. But not many can tell if I am gay just by looking at me and I don't like blatantly stating it or even admitting it (ashamed). I also do not want to smoke or drink or be around those that do, and I am not sexually active and probably will save myself. Another problem for me is that I do not relate well to butch females and I am not attracted to them either, so this complicates my "relationship" with my glbt community. Many of my male friends used to feel like they don't fit into the gay man's community but sadly they have started to change themselves just to fit in. Also bisexuals I have heard, feel like they are not straight enough for the straight community and not gay enough for the gay community. What I want to say is that you should not change who you are to try to fit in with the group stereotypes or what you seem to be the way a lesbian/gay man "looks/acts".

I do believe that you are the "norm" Tresspass. Don't let anyone try to fit you into some sort of box, be who you are and the rest can eat dirt.

I have many friends and relatives that happen to be gay. None of them fit into any stereotype out there. I'm very open or perhaps its that I just don't care, sexuality is a non-issue with me. I do not, however, like anyone trying to cram their sexuality in my face; be they straight, gay, bi or anything else under the sun. I would not assume that all gay women are like the one reading inappropriate poetry in public, but these types of situations feed the fires of hate and discontent. If a similiar thing happened in my town I would be yelling the loudest that this type of gathering should not be permitted here, not because I'm anti gay, but I'm pro peace. And that would seriously be disturbing my peace. If I want porn, I'm sure I can get it on my own without any help from anyone.

I realized my uncle was gay when I was about 12 years old. Well, truth be told an older cousin had to point it out to me (non-issue even then). We went to visit them in their home and I could never understand why uncle John (partner) moved ALL of his clothes out of his room every time we came to visit. He and his life partner had been together for nearly 20 years at that point.

All of the gay people I've known in my life have been no different than anyone else. They worked, were in long term relationships, most had children. This "culture" thing of which you speak is very foreign to me. I suppose it is no different than the free love thing of the 70s. Had I been of age at that time I would not have associated with those people either. Different values all together. And before anyone gets all up in arms about the values comment, I mean drugs and sleeping around.

I can only echo what others have said here- don't let anyone or any group of people define the norm- I don't really think there is a norm. GLBT comes in all shapes, sizes, nationalities, etc and not everyone enjoys the same stuff, the same activities, the same look.

There is no 'straight' culture anyways- and sexual preference doesn't come with a culture, to me. There's enough labeling that goes on in this world as is. I have a great time with my gay and lesbian friends, I have a great time with my straight friends. I don't fit into any culture, and I don't preoccupy myself with that. I preoccupy myself with cultivating good friendships and having a good time.

Maybe I'm lucky because I live in a city that makes sure it is accommodating of people of all sexual identities and preferences, but that's how I see it.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

I know, old thread.

I feel what the OP is saying.

I come from a small town in a small state and the only way to meet lesbians is through the bar. There are no organizations to join. The people in this area are closeted bigots. No, I'm not talking about the gay folks and whatnot, I mean straight people. There is a persistent loathing for rainbow folks and for persons of color.

I quit drinking over a year ago. I was mid-stage into alcohol addiction when I quit. I'm desperate for some lesbian friends, but I don't want to go to the bar to meet them. Although I used to play sports I'm more interested in art and conversation.

I am neither butch nor femme. II don't fit into a specific gay woman category. I would love to meet others like me, but where are they? Looks like I'm going to have to move soon.

I sympathize with what the OP says. I myself have had some trouble fitting in with some people in the lesbian community. I've had women tell me that the fact that I don't drink, smoke, and am waiting to have sex till marriage was a deal-breaker for being friends with them. I was very involved in the lgbt group at a uni I attended but, at first, it was very hard. I didn't fit in at all, plus I was really shy. Eventually, I found my niche and discovered a great core of friends. I learned a lot from all of the people in the club, even the ones I thought I had nothing in common with. So don't give up!

Hi, TrespassersWill,

I am gay and live in NYC. (I am a native NYer, which is rare in NYC!) And, I don't fit in either, e.g., I am the only gay man I know who does not like theater - especially musicals. I did not move to NYC for the theater or the sex scenes! It's my home and always has been!

I can tell you that the community is very diverse and I have met a lot of "lipstick" lesbians and some lesbians with partners who have children. The pride parade has its good moments (most activist and social organizations) and its pathetic moments (the rentboy float, the legalize marijuana float, the sexual exhibitionists). I always do get a chuckle out of the Dykes on Bikes and the drag queens/kings though I dislike the sharped tongued ones.

My "lipstick" lesbian friends are nice people. I also fall into the category where I don't flaunt it and that's just who I am. A lot of people don't like it but I am not going to become a clone just to fit in. (There is a lot of pressure in that area, as you have described.) I think there are a lot of people like you but they are harder to see because of their low profile. Have you tried organizations like OP (Out Professionals)? MCC (Metropolitan Community Church)? Does your city have an LGBT Center, book store or coffee hangout? I have met a lot of good people by doing volunteer work for groups like SAGE (Services & Advocacy for GLBT Elders) and enjoy marching in the pride parade with them.

There are a lot of people in the community who are damaged from bad childhoods and bad coping defenses like drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. You seem to be much more together and I hope you are thankful for that. Being a minority within a minority is not easy. Since the pool of people you are seeking to meet are low-key, it means that you have to try harder to meet them. It is possible. Try going to bars in off hours when they are not so crowded. Pursue your interests and continue to seek people with like values, do some networking even with people you may not be crazy about. You never know who you might meet. Best of luck to you!