Sex Therapy - What To Expect

I am seriously considering sex therapy, just for my self. My pdoc recommended it when I was together with my X because we were having sexual issues. I know the problems were on both sides of the relationship, but I can't think about solving his problems anymore.

The closest sex therapist to me costs $110 an hour and I don't know if it is worth it. I know I have to do something I just don't know what. If I did go, what kind of things would she say or ask? Has anyone here done this before? Was it helpful? Did they give you any kind of homework or anything like that? Is there anything else I can try that doesn't cost $110 and hour?!

At this point, I just have no sense of what is erotic. I don't feel good or bad about my body, I don't really feel anything. I just lost 35 pounds, and while I think I look better, I still lack confidence. I know confidence is a turn-on for guys (my X told me this), and I just don't have it anymore. I don't even have the energy to PRETEND to be confident.

I have had low libido and sexual issues for years, pretty much since I was with my previous X from 1999 - 2001. We had a pretty healthy sex life at the beginning. We spent a lot of physically intimate time together. But he was abusive emotionally, our relationship took a nosedive, I was terribly depressed, he wasn't touching me any more. And then finally, one night when I was begging for some attention (ie. please face me in bed and hug me) he got on top of me and snarled in my face, "Is this what you wanted? Huh?" and I had to pretend to like it or it would have just been rape.

I have had very little sex since then, what I did have I didn't enjoy (I tried though) and I couldn't even masturbate for years without crying. Orgasm was next to impossible, and even now takes so much work that it's almost not worth it to try. I seem to have some sort of aversion to touching my self.

My sex life with my recent X was terrible. We lived together and had sex five times in one year. I know some of the reasons why. It was a really complicated situation and I won't go into all the details. My mental and physical issues are what concern me now. I didn't enjoy foreplay and couldn't become aroused. I had no lubrication. Sex hurt. I would pretend to like it for his sake. And when he was finished, that was it. I couldn't orgasm most of the time by my self, so how was I supposed to do it with him waiting for it to happen and then being disappointed when it didn't? So he got frustrated that I was frustrated and it snowballed and eventually we weren't having any sex at all. Medication was part of the problem, and my mental issues were the biggest problem, but it was also because he has his own sex and intimacy issues that he wasn't willing to work on.

At this point, after what I would deem a miserable failure of a sex life, I don't know where to begin feeling like a sexy person. I don't know how to do that by my self, I almost feel like I need a partner to try things with and see if I can build that confidence. My biggest turn-on is being desired. And I don't feel desirable. And I certainly don't desire my self. I have lingerie, I have toys, and I want to have desire, but I just don't. I don't have a partner. I also feel like I would need more privacy to try to do things to feel erotic. I live in a house with a room mate and a dog, and I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual here, especially since the dog is usually on my bed and I can't kick him out because he would just bark all night. And I don't want my room mate to hear me. It just feels embarrassing to me, I can't get caught up in the feelings, my mind wanders and I just feel physically numb. I wish I had a week to my self to just try and reconnect with my body.

That's the basic problem, I guess, I have no sense of my own body anymore. I don't touch my self or enjoy feeling anything.

Bleh. Any help appreciated.

while reading your post it brought back some memories for me when I was married to my ex. he too was abusive and that killed all desire I had for him. when I left him my desire came back once I found someone else that I cared about. Depression is another issue with sexual desire. it takes it away and so does some medications. I think if you can get your depression to ease up and find the right person you might find that desire again. Being loved does make one want it! good luck hon.

I agree. Depression AND the medications we take to help it can kill sex drive. While my husband is not abusive, we have issues and I have a hard time trusting him enough to feel close to him. That kills the sex drive there too.

Therapy just might be the thing!

Pink Lotus,

My ex-hub and I did work with a sex therapist for a few months. The difficult part for me was the first session. We basically talked about who I am & things I've been through, and my hub at the time did as well. The T quickly turned the discussion towards me, pointing out that I was the one with sexuality problems. I was furious and never wanted to go back.

We went back the next week, and the T gave us instructions to follow. Hub had to give me space ~ no pressure. I had to feel safe. That took a few weeks. From there, it was my job to initiate intimacy. My hub was to follow my cues very lightly. I also had to work on myself independently. Meaning: actually look at myself in the mirror. Look at my body...accept my body. The goal of that therapy was to get me to become more comfortable with sexuality.

It did work for a while for hub and I. But, the self-acceptance part is HUGE. I recommend going to the sex T, to work upon how you can handle sex more easily. But you may also require separate T for dealing with past emotional difficulties.

Best wishes to you!
Shez