Numb or None?

Okay.
I've been a member on PC since..ohhhh...Sept of 08? and I've read a whole lot about sexual issues, the resulting trauma of rape, abuse, bi-sexuality and all relating, and have responded to a few here n there.

With almost every thread I've read I can personally relate on one level,or another, of the struggles and hardhips. And I find myself wondering...Why in the hell don't I have these feelings of trauma, sorrow, difficulty coping, psychological struggles of "some" kind that I read about in all these threads? What makes me any different?
Sure, I can relate to them and some on a very personal level, yet, where are my emotions toward my experiences?

I can't help but to be curious. So, I'm going to be open & honest here....(and hope for the best..lol)
I was sexually molested at 9 by a family member. Raped.
I was gang raped by the neighborhood boys around 10.
Endured many sexual "forced" encounters through following years, though not all had gone as far as actual vaginal penetration. Still, the trauma was quite present.
Kicked out of home at 15. Made my way, (the best I could) by couch camping at friends. End up diving into heavier drug use. My favorite was LSD, and under that influence on almost a daily basis.
During those few years, I dove into the "orgie" scene, and didn't see anything wrong about it, in fact, found it to be quite facinating...putting it mildly.
During those years, again, find myself in unfavorable situations, end up gang raped on two different occassions.
Eventually, attempted to end my life. Failed, (obviously). Ended up in psych ward for a lengthy unwanted stay.
This all happened several decades ago.

Okay. So, why is it that I don't "feel" anything from it? I admit, some of it, (from my earliest years) I've deliberately buried...security mechanism, I guess. But, to this day...it simply doesn't "seem" to bother me....and that is alot for anyone to have to go through. I don't feel the emotional trauma that I read about. I don't feel a sense of guilt, remorse, hate....nothing...that I'm aware of.

I'm a happy-go-lucky person. Definately a "free" thinker regarding sex. No inhabitiions still to this day. I'm good with open relationships, bi-sexuality, and group sex..so long as it's safe (can't be too careful anymore).
Sex doesn't "gross me out". I still find it quite intreguing and adventurous.
I don't know if that's due to my past trauma...(IF it has traumatized me and I'm just not aware of it). But it certainly hasn't interfered with "how" I perceive sex to this day.

I can't help but to wonder....Am I just subconsciously numb as a result, or, regarding trauma, is there really none? And IF that's the case...what does that really say about me? I don't know whether I should be thankful for not feeling anything now, or concerned that I may have become so numb that a time bomb is simply silently ticking away inside of me.
But again, I have yet to encounter any "triggers" that set me off.

I have never sought therapy. Never thought I needed to as I've never experienced any trauma delay...that I'm aware of. Never been dx'd with any disorders. Never on any scripts.

I'm not posting this thread because I'm "suffering". I'm simply seeking what might be an explanation as to why I really am not suffering.....? Does that make sense?
I'm just courious, I guess. And sometimes my curiosity just gets the best of me.

So, peeps...any input what you might think?

Thankies~

Shangrala

I am in no way trying to categorize or label you, but it seems to me you are a person in conflict. Something about you, in my humble and lay person opinion, seems to be impacted by it. You are after all here and asking these questions. It is not unusual for someone who was sexually abused at pre-sexual age to have a disconnect from the act of sexual penetration. I think that your past traumas have affected you far more deeply then you are currently allowing yourself to feel. Not that you are the ticking time bomb that you think you may be, but I really think that these issues should be addressed with a professional. More often then not the kind of numbness you describe is a very serious disconnect and can result in serious episodes if not dealt with. I don't know if you personally have interpersonal issues in regards to intimacy but many people who have experienced these kinds of things can have difficulties with intimacay on any real level and causes problems in relationships of any fulfillment. I am glad that you have found strength to deal with these things.

Thanks, Ascension for your response..but you know...I have absolutely no problems with intimacy on any level.

Inner conflict, huh? Much like the ditchotomy, (or, the flibbertygibbet) my mom has called me throughout most of my years?...lol. Anything's possible, and maybe that is, as well...inner conflict, that is. Yet, I wouldn't know how to identify that even if it were the case.

I think, the only conscious difficulty that I am having at present is a result to my past relationship with hubs....his emotional abuse over a 15 year span. If anything, THAT has left me emotionally reserved in a self-preservation of sorts, and I'm fully aware of that and it's resulting effects, which I am attending to, but without therapy.

But from anything prior to that or aside from that, I have no problems that I'm aware of.

Shangrala

Please don't take any questions or gentle challenging as me being antagonistic and if I cross a line please tel me so. If I offend I apologize sincerely. And not to push an issue but would you say being in an abusive relationship for over fifteen years is in part due to a possible intimacy issue? It is easier to be at odds with someone then to allow them to be close if you feel like someone may be a threat to your emotional well being. It is not uncommon for people who have a hard time "connecting" with people to be involved in a bad relationship because they don't feel bad for keeping them at a safe distance. I certainly don't know how fulfilling your personal relationships are and I ask these questions to get you thinking about things, kind of playing the devils advocate. Not judging or labeling.

I was going to say why look a gift horse in the mouth. Some people rise above it naturally... I think they call them super kids. But ask yourself if you really connect on an intimate level not just a physical level when you are with someone you know cares about you. The kind of sharing that leaves you blissed out the whole next day. That when you are with them you open up everything and you give them everything you've got. The kind of mind blowing orgasams that require a stack of towels under you because you don't make wet spots, you soak everything around you. That afterwards you are so relaxed and content you feel like you are in a twilight sleep. If you can do these things, if not, what are you doing next Friday night? (harmless flirt). Seriously though, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I cannot tell you WHY you feel (or don't feel) but I can relate my experience FWIW.

When I was seven, eight, nine, ten years old my uncle sexually assaulted me during the summers when he would visit our house. I do recall at the time having some dissociation but it didn't last and as an adult I don't think I have any emotional trauma from it. Well except for the part when my then boyfriend in anger told my mom and she denied that it could have happened so I am still kind of pissed at her but that's a different issue I think.

But when I was twelve I was sexually assaulted on a bus by two majorettes and two drummers on our way home from a football game. They put a plastic bag over my head to keep me quiet and I was really scared I would suffocate. So now I am claustrophobic. And I do have anger towards those people. Lots of anger.

Why the difference? I have no clue. You would think that having the uncle repeatedly violating me would impact my life but it really hasn't, I don't think.

Just wondering how our heads sort these things through.

No worries. Truly. Not only have you not offended, but I don't offend easily. All's good.
Regarding this past relationship of 15 years. I was the one who carried it emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, (would have financially, but he earns far more than I would ever have, so I left that for him to succeed with...lmao).
The ex suffered from some tragic losses prior to our marriage, and I felt it necessary to assist with the emotional support of him and his kids (his wife died a tragic, sudden death at age of 35..she was my best friend, as was so my ex, then also a good friend).
It wasn't a matter of MY inability to be intimate, supportive or caring. I carried it all until I couldn't take anymore of the downgrading and demeaning behavior, (I left just last August). But, I endured that over such a long period of time, that I gradually became emotionally absent to HIM..and, as a result, I am the one now effected long term, though attending to my recovery. That's no problem. Slow process, but a gradual improvement, nonetheless.

Ascension, I know that you're not judging or labeling. No worries, alright? And I truly do appreciate your tossing me these suggestions to ponder....

Shangrala

I think both you and Yoda might have a similar point...Why even wonder why something isn't broke when it "seems" it should be?
Perhaps, much like Yoda, I am one of those fortunate few who have risen above naturally, and count my blessings for being such. *blessings counted*
Btw, NF, my Friday's wide open.....(also harmless flirt.....).

Well, I am glad I haven't pushed too hard. I took a long break from psychcentral and haven't been overly active, but for some reason felt compelled to stop by. Though I am far from being critical, my life has been challenging more so for me lately then it has been in a long time. I try to respond to posts when I see them. I know what it is like to feel alone at times and when someone makes a post I like to touch base with them and though you seem to be far more balanced then most I try to do more harm then good with my interactions. It's good that you are here to show people that they can rise above and survive some of the things that happen in our lives.