[aquarius_16]

I saw an old friend a few days ago. We're both lesbians and we've been friends for about 9 years, although we no longer live in the same area (she's on the West Coast, I'm on the East Coast). Since we met, we've had a somewhat flirtatious relationship, but never acted on it physically. The entire 9 years we've been friends, we've never been single at the same time. One or both of us has always been in a relationship with another woman. There are also several practical reasons as to why we've never been with each other (she's older, she has a kid, etc.). What's confusing for me is the fact that when we were friends living in the same city, I never found her physically attractive. She's older than I like, she's thinner than I like, she's "butcher" than I like, and she simply isn't that pretty. However, the way she makes me feel when I'm around her is incredible. She's smart, she's funny, we can talk about anything, she does all of the little things for me (opening doors, giving me her jacket when I'm cold, etc). So, despite not thinking she was pretty, I started to find myself physically attracted to her. And while we've never talked about it, I've always thought she felt the same way. Any time I've flirted with her, she's flirted back. Anytime I've brought up topics like sex, she's eagerly discussed them with me. Anytime I've cuddled up to her, she's put her arm around me. But, alas, nothing ever happened and then she moved away.

This past week, she came into town to visit her parents, and called me up to see if I wanted to hang out with her while she was in town. Of course I said yes and, realizing it was the first time we were both single, I wondered: will anything happen? I figured it probably would not (after all, it's kind of hard to change the course of a relationship after 9 years) and just thought I'd see how the day went. So, we met up, and the first thing I noticed is that she got MUCH less attractive! She cut her already short hair, she lost more weight, and she looked visibly older (she now has facial wrinkles). So, immediately, I thought "nope. not into her anymore. oh well, guess that's over." She, on the other hand, immediately told me how nice I looked. And we went about our day, talking, reminiscing about old times, catching up, etc. The more we got to talking and laughing, the more I started to notice that there were things about her I did find attractive. Like the sound of her voice. Her intelligence. Her sense of humor. And slowly, little by little, I felt some of those old feelings I had for come back. We started talking about women, sex, and relationships, and I asked her what, physically, she was into. I mean, I've seen the women she dated in the past, but they all looked so different, I never really knew what her "type" was. In response to my question, she told me that Latanya (one of her exes) was her "ideal" type. Latanya and I could not look more different. Basically, if she's what you're looking for, than I'm not it. She then asked me the same question, and I answered by telling her that I liked the appearance of one of my exes (Rachel). And, similarly, if I'm into Rachel, she would naturally assume that I wouldn't be into her. But the weird thing is that I think I am into her. Even though I don't find her AT ALL physically attractive. Which leads me to wonder: I don't think that, physically, I'm her type at all. I know she finds me "pretty" but I'm a girly girl and she prefers butch women, like Latanya. So is it reasonable to think she would be attracted to me despite this seeming contradiction? All in all, it really doesn't matter because she's leaving in 2 days back for the West Coast, but I'm just trying to sort out my own feelings-- and what I think hers might be.

Have any of you found yourself in a similar situation?

Can you be attracted to someone you aren't physically attracted to?

[Nemo39122]

Similar situation? Not exactly, but similar enough that hopefully I can help.

Can you be attracted to someone but not physically, yes. Of course everyone is different, but as far as I know you don't have to be physically attracted to someone to be attracted to them.

You said she's leaving in 2 days. My advice would be enjoy the 2 days together and sort out your feelings after she leaves.
Or you could tell her how you feel, and ask if she feels the same way. The problem with that is either she doesn't feel the same way and it changes your friendship, or she does feel the same way but then she leaves in 2 days.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do

There could also be a bit of confusion going on between intense friendship feelings and actual romantic feelings. That can happen between any friends - you care about them and enjoy their company so intensely that you begin to wonder if perhaps you ARE attracted to them.

PP gave you good advice - i would not act on it right now. Let her go home, and spend some time thinking about it after when you are not in the heat of the moment.

[AkAngel]

You can have sex with the body or make love to the person. If it's about sex, the person doesn't much matter. If it's about love, the body doesn't much matter.

Perhaps behind the flirting you are flirting with love.

[aquarius_16]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

You can have sex with the body or make love to the person. If it's about sex, the person doesn't much matter. If it's about love, the body doesn't much matter.

Perhaps behind the flirting you are flirting with love.

This really helped, AkAngel! I think that's exactly what it is. I do love her and, therefore, what she looks like doesn't much matter. And, now that I think about it, this isn't the first time I've had this experience of feeling attracted to someone (as a person) without necessarily finding them physically hot. Thanks again for helping me sort through my feelings!

[Shangrala]

Originally Posted by AkAngel

You can have sex with the body or make love to the person. If it's about sex, the person doesn't much matter. If it's about love, the body doesn't much matter.

Perhaps behind the flirting you are flirting with love.

What a wonderful description. Beautifully and perfectly said.

Shangrala

[sugahorse1]

I landed up dating and loving the first and only woman of my life about 18 months ago. She was not skinny, and not that pretty. I'd never been into women either. We just started as friends who cared, but not long afterwards, the feelings became more romantic. It definitely wasn't just sexual.
I truely believe that attraction goes much more far reaching than just looks. If you feel yourself attracted to her, but she isn't physically what you would normally go for, I think you can safely assume that these feelings are a lot deeper and a lot more genuine.
I'd really not miss out on the opportunity to discuss these feelings with her....