Mature Discussion About Masturbation

I second Notz's motion... I want you to be my mom too

Awwww thanks ((Notz)) and ((Typo)) - I appreciate your support.

I have similarly talked to my son about masturbation (he's 9). Thankfully, I just never thought it was bad and I wanted him to be comfortable with himself and his own body. He knows it something you do in the bedroom or bathroom and never do it with anyone else.

As far as growing up, my mother never caught me, but she did catch my brother and she bought a book and made him read it that said that you basically burn in hell for masturbation. She absolutely humiliated him, made him talk to her preacher, etc. because of it.

Thanks ((perpetuallysad)) - I'm glad your son knows it's normal and something private - you're a good mother. I think years ago, most parents and people in general, thought it was shameful, perverted thing to do. During that time, I think parents feared if their kids did it - then they might also want to have sex. It's very unfortunate your mom treated your brother that way. I think this is why some adults today, still struggle with bad feelings about masturbation. I remember reading an article, that even fetuses in the womb touch themselves.

Lynn,

Thanks for this topic! I just wanted to add my own experience. I started masturbating around 4 years old; I never thought I was "dirty," but I had major anxiety while doing it. I would get so nervous that someone would "catch me." Then one day, when I was around 9 years old, my mom caught me. Her exact words were "If you're going to do that, do it in your bedroom." I was embarrassed, but looking back that was probably the best thing should could have said given the circumstance. So I think you handled your own situation extremely well!

My only advice is don't take your kids our of sex ed in 4th grade/middle school. My mom thought it would be better if she could teach me....well that just made me a target for bullies. ugghh

I'm glad your mother didn't make you feel ashamed or say don't do that.

Actually my oldest is 12(7th) grade and they just introduced basic sex ed this last month. I wish they would teach it in grade 5/6. I can't understand why a parent would want to remove their child from it - only thing I can think - is they think knowledge means they're going to do it. My daughter said she didn't learn anything new, so I guess I explained it well lol.

I also think it should be an on going conversation, as the opportunity arises and they become more age appropriate. Unfortunatley my mother never told me anything - I didn't even know about STD's. My oldest knows she can come to me anytime with questions. I don't want my girls to be blind and learn it from friends or the internet.

Like I said in my 1st post, I didn't foresee talking about it, unless I happened to walk in on it. It came up in a round about way and I sensed she was troubled.

I just wanted to say -- Lynn, I think you are doing an awesome job as a mom. Your daughter is lucky-- instead of not being told anything or that she's bad-- you've explained things in a non-judgemental way. Kudos to you, and may your daughter feel comfort in coming to you always for answers and support. (like- in her teen years!)

fins

When I was in 8th grad I was masturbating in the basement, my bedroom was down there as well as sort of a rec room that had a TV in it. Just after I finished my mom came downstairs, she had heard the two girls that lived on either side of us right outside our house laughing, she thought they might have been doing some minor vandalism, I quickly realized they were spying on me, laughing about what I was doing. One of the most embarrassing things that ever happened to me.

Yikes, that would be embarrassing!

This is very interesting. There was a guy in my band class that had a sticker on his trumpet case that read: "Safe sex is in the palm of your hand." I always found that to be hilarious. The sad part is that everything I learned about sex, I learned on the school bus, not at school. In 5th grade we had a talk about puberty and how we would be getting our periods soon (which totally didn't help me b/c I got mine in 2nd grade) and how or breast would be starting to develop, so we would have to wear bra's (I was already a 38 B) and how we should start using deodorant. So that was very helpful. *sarcasm* In 8th grade, we had sex ed which consisted of learning about STD's and ways to tell people you didn't want to have sex. So no real information there. I think they should have given everyone a pack of condoms instead of having people sign an abstinence pledge (which I did not sign). My parents were no help either. It wasn't until I had a cyst on my ovary, that I even brought the subject up, b/c I thought I was pregnant. As a child I had multiple SA events happen, so even though I felt dirty for doing it, I felt compelled to do it. I guess as some sort of punishment to myself. I wish I had the proper talks about masturbation/sex, but I didn't.

I'm glad you were able to have that talk with your child lynn.

I did it even when I was a little kid before I even understood why it was pleasurable or what it was. I think my mom caught me once and just told me not to do it, a bit angrily, but didn't explain. I didn't understand what was wrong, so I just kept doing it in a more hidden manner and stopped when she came in to check on me every night.

It was years later, I think 4th grade or so, when I found out what it was through some book for kids about touchy topics like that. Everything I read said it was normal, etc etc. So I kept doing it, this time actually knowing stuff about masturbation.

2nd yr highschool was the first mention of masturbation in my so far 11 yrs of schooling. Catholic school and all, so they jumped on it being a grave sin, and it confused me a bit. I didn't really agree, but this added some guilt and shame. Not enough to stop though I tried to avoid doing it for a while.

So basically 2 main views: 1) normal part of growing up; 2) SIN. In college (Catholic university, theology a required course), we did a paper on masturbation once, and I did see some points as why it was wrong in some way. I kind of forgot what they were, but I think there was something about it becoming like an addiction, or being a more selfish substitute to relationships or something since the responsibility, communal nature, and other aspects involved with sex are removed.

Those reasons might make it something unwise, or less than completely desirable. Making it a sin is kind of all or nothing thinking, though, isn't it?

Thanks to everyone for the replies.

byfnvy - thanks for sharing your story. I agree it can be a problem if the person becomes addicted or substitutes it, in place of sex with their partner. Everything in moderation.

I'm with Lynn there -- thanks to everyone for the replies!

Even then, I'd wonder if the real problem was that the person had chosen masturbation over some other release (alcohol, drugs, SI, and ED come to mind) -- or that they were feeling cut off from relationships, partnered sex, and anything else that might engage their interest, so that they found themselves needing some such release in the first place.

It seems to me that if someone already felt driven to seek release constantly but chose partnered sex over masturbation, that would look a lot like sex addiction.

HI!

As for my experience: it was also a tabu topic at my parents' house...we never discussed it. I would not even have dared to ask about it.

I don't think most people would talk about it - like I said before, I stumbled into this conversation....wasn't a planned thing at all. I could see my daughter was very troubled and I hinted about it and happened to be right - lucky guess. I think the only parents who talk about it, are those who happen to walk in on it and that's how I imagined it would come up.

When I saw the Oprah show where the topic was teenage sexuality, the expert recommended bringing it up to 16+ age as an alternative to acting out with a partner - letting your teenager know they can pleasure themselves instead of seeking out a partner at a young age.

I'm just saying, 16+ is probably too late.....Maybe around 13 would work better.

I agree 16 would be too late. I'm just saying this is what the sex educator said and the audience gasped. I think they gasped more so at the thought of having this discussion and the fact it's such a taboo subject lol.

Thanks for the topic lynn.

Great handling with your daughter. My mom also handled it well with me at the time...when i was 15 and later when i was 17. I hated sharing thought....suspected that something was wrong with me too.

I remember feeling very guilty too. and yeah - damn it- what am i supposed to do?!
Like is it my fault i have these urges?!
...o.k....who cares? i am ALONE
i need to remind myself that i am alone in my room and ~no one~ can see
And i did feel disgusted of myself and one time - at 17 - i hurt myself afterwards because i felt like a ***** - and wrote to myself "you are a ***** slutt ***** dog" and "disgusting" etc.

Sometimes i make up stories in my head that begin as sexual fantasy but go else where - pretty dramatic - so i forget the whole thing and start crying because of the drama in my imagined story. lol.

Sometime i wish i did not want to do it. I feel terrified when feeling the need and having the privacy opportunity to finally do it. So i give up sometimes, and then feel my need is twice as strong.

i wish i had a boyfriend. not only because of this though. just to make me feel safe...and like someone truly cares for me and i truly and deeply care and can be there for him and be intimate with him i both mental and physical ways.

((((((((Ladymacbethadmunsen))))))))))))

aww...bless....and how adorably funny..."what if i use both hands"...lol...soo precious that you hold your own hand.we're all here hun((((((EVENING)))))))btw....guilt wise .....that probably comes from your raising.huggs

((((Ladymacbethadmunsen))))- thank you for sharing your feelings.

((((Everyone)))) - thank you to everyone who has responded to this thread. My hope in writing about this topic, was to remove the shame that some people feel. I think as long as it's done in moderation, it's fine to enjoy are own bodies.

I started around, I think, age 10, or maybe it was 11? I just remember I was in fifth grade, and of course, I had no idea that was what I was doing... For me, there was a lot of shame involved, mostly because I grew up in a Southern Baptist family, so anything related to sex before marriage in this family is BAD... But when sixth and seventh grade came around, I had an increased interest in psychology and had borrowed my grandmother's book (it was like a compact guide of psychological problems and disorders, granted it was extremely outdated [copyrighted in the 70s] and every problem in the book was written to appeal to the fundamentalist protestant population, but of course, I also had little knowledge/awareness of the media's potential back then); Masturbation was listed as one of these "problems" (giving it such a negative label certainly didn't help matters much). When I read the definition, that's when I knew what I was doing, but truthfully, I thought that was only something that guys were allowed to do, so that societal double standard didn't help either...
This is really strange to ask, and I really don't know if this stemmed from anything, but around the time the discovery of masturbation began (perhaps before too, I can't remember...), I had bondage fantasies (again, I didn't know to give it this label at the time, but that's definitely what it was) -- and I hope I'm not being inappropriate for going into more detail, but I'm curious... is it in any way common for a ten year old to have fantasies about being tied up, touched inappropriately, and then... killed afterward...?? Ritualistically, too?
.....

But yeah, I endured a few years of strong, religion-fueled guilt... At one point, I felt SO guilty that I had "confessed" my bondage fantasies to my mom (or rather, I told her that I liked to draw tied-up naked people...) and she acted as if I had committed some sin; I don't even remember much of the conversation. I mean, I'm sure hearing such news from your 10-year-old daughter is kind of surprising, and a sexual discussion with your child is something that people aren't exactly eager to approach, but it wasn't ever mentioned again. Even now, I'm a second-year in college, and my mother STILL doesn't talk about it; though now I have an infinitely MUCH better acceptance of masturbation, I find it's best to just avoid the subject around her.

Masturbation used to be defined as "self-pollution". It was also something that could make you go blind.

Social control...... wonder where such ideas sprang from.........(I won't say another word)