[spacey79]

Hi everybody, I am a male and as far as I can tell, bisexual. Until recently my same sex attractions have been a huge sore spot for me. Not so much a denial thing, more like a self hate thing. This is all starting to change but the more I heal from this and other issues in my life, the more I keep reliving and going over an event that happened when I was in high school. I would really appreciate it if someone could help me make sense of this experience.

Some friends and I were hanging out smoking pot, a usual Friday night situation. One friend, I'll call him Matt, who I'd known for for about six years, gave me a xanax. This was the first xanax I'd ever had so after an hour I didn't think I felt anything and asked for another. I do remember he was more than happy to give me another. After that we decided to go to Matt's house, my best friend his girlfriend and Matt and myself. Looking back all I remember is him giving us some more pills and some liquor and the idea to start his camcorder and everybody hang out naked. I don't remember what order these things happened in or who suggested them I just remember wanting to get high and hang out, that's all I cared about that night. The last thing I remember is the suggestion that we play truth or dare and, before blacking out, passing an ice cube from my mouth to Matt's. The next thing I remember is waking up to my best friend flipping out and storming out of the house and his girlfriend crying. I asked what happened and neither would tell me anything. So I decided to follow him . I was higher than I'd ever been in my life and somehow I got my friends keys got in his car and drove stick for the very first time and caught up with him a half a mile away. I remember driving to 7-11 and getting doughnuts to make him feel better?!?! Like I said, I was really messed up!
We went back to Matt's house, they left, and I crashed. The next day Matt drove me home and I pressed him for what happened. He just smirked and said something like "yeah right, you don't remember." I didn't find out until I talked to my best friend that Matt and I had exchanged blowjobs and that I was really into it. The reason he got mad was because Matt started going down on his girlfriend, I think my friend had blacked out for a little while too. After that the whole blowjob incident became a big joke and nobody believed that I couldn't remember anything. What's worse is that what had been a casual attraction to Matt became a full blown crush because I thought he liked me after that.

Why is this experience still affecting me? It was so long ago and it's not like I was raped . I used to think that experience made me like guys sexually but now I know that's not true. I have intrusive thoughts about it when I try to concentrate. I get really angry and I feel intense hate for him. Everybody is still friends and I even went to his wedding. Thank you for reading this.

[Nachtschatten]

I don't really know what to say but I can understand why it would bother you - the combination of pills, weed and alcohol obviously caused you to lose inhibitions and engage in things that you might have been wanting to try...especially if you had bisexual urges beforehand. And even if you weren't interested in taking part in such things the suggestion being there with all the other stimulants probably helped the matter on. And this unpleasant experience is obviously keeping you from making peace with your orientation, whichever way it might be. I don't know if you're seeing a therapist but it might be a good thing to talk to him/her to get it out in the open and find ways to deal with it so that it no longer lingers in your subconscious. One thing you have to remember that something that happened in the past is there only, in the past; it has happened and it is over and done with, focus on the present and the future. A lot easier said than done, but just remember that your past doesn't dictate the person that you are. It surely influences you but you can create your own now and your own tomorrow. Best of luck to you, hope things look up for you :-)