[britchik63]

Hi There,
I am an "older woman", who has not been with a man in many years. When I was in my teens I had a fear around possibly being gay. Over the years I realized I was attracted to both sexes, but haven't really been sexually active very much in my life. I fantasize at times and would love to experience being in a loving relationship with a man. I have obessed about sex or lack there of over the years. I have a female cousin who is quite tough minded and sarcastic. I was a brides maid at her wedding and during that time, I was aware of feeling intimitated by her. I notice as a woman at times feeling this way around certain "tough" women, I realized afterwards that she thought I was gay and of course, this has been spoken about with other family members. I have no way to "prove" otherwise because I haven't been with ANYONE in many years. I have the perception that if you a person who is perpetually alone it automatically means you are seen as "gay". Are there others out there who have had this experience. I know I shouldn't care, but every time I attend a family event, I feel such shame and focus on my aloneness AND what the family thinks of me.

[Nemo39122]

Although I can't relate exactly or help out much with your situation, I know what its like for your family to think you're gay. My family thinks that, particularly my mom and brother (my dad's not in my life enough to notice/care), possibly because I have never had a boyfriend, I'm not very girly, and into rock music and martial arts. I am bisexual so they're not completely off.....and now my best friend is gay. That REALLY didn't help. lol.
Really all you can do is tell them you're not gay, if I think of more advice I'll definitely let you know. Until then good luck, and I hope things go well with whatever you do

[notz]

You are what you are. They are who they are. Some things change and some things don't. Someone I know has a little magazine called "Don't label it". Wish it were just that easy.

What I label myself is none of anyone's business. What you label yourself (or not) is your privilege and right. They're gonna think what they think anyway.

Wishing you the best.

[(JD)]

I agree that what other people think of you is none of your business (ditto for mine) . However, if you want to let them lean one way or the other, then when you're with them, out at that concert or wherever, point out those of the (in this case opposite?) sex and made admirable comments about them.

"Tom boy" women/girls have always been around. You can have those types of opinions without being tough though, imo. I grew up with dad and 3 brothers ... so now I'm more comfortable talking with men about cars, sports, etc. I am what I am.

[Hunny]

It is sad you feel so alone within your family Britchik.

I am older (old actually, lol) too. I think my family thought I might be gay at times, too.

I am going to ramble here...I have learned about myself/ves over the years. I am not bi or gay, probably closer to non-gender, if the truth be known, in a non-religious way but not a eunich (no offense meant here either).

And yet I am fully woman and fully spiritual. There is room for all of us in this world and the others here, are right. Labels are not necessary except to say, at times, one has to have a way to communicate the pain of being misunderstood and words sometimes need to be used. Historically I am committed to a loving relationship with my husband but he has become too emotionally abusive and I haven't lived with him for many many years.

Do you think shame is the right word for the way you are feeling, Britchik, or is it more likely to be a sense of abandonment or rejection or just unacceptance in your family. Families are complex and chaotic, or was that just mine, just kidding.

There are strong women and strong men and vice versa. That concept of feeling intimidated was partially mine too but it was a curious thing too. Why wasn't I strong like those females, an older sister, friends at 3 different ages. My identity shattered early on. There were experiences of being harmed by both male and female so I made some choices based on those experiences. I am speaking strictly about my experiences here and in no way mean to be coming across as judgmental or stereotypical.

Since you are not in the dissociation section I don't want to assume you know what I am talking about but I have male and female parts, Britchick, most of them non-gender, I would say. But even I need to fit into this world, not just be tolerated but accepted. Recently I listened to a Christian, practising prostitute, transexual person and I was so inspired by the beauty of which she/he (don't you just hate these expressions) spoke. She so desperately wanted to be accepted and loved and understood and not be judged. I think, for me she opened up my mind to the possibility of being broken and healed all in the same person, me. She reinforced in me the need of unconditional love from God and from each other and that I and others are always in process not having reached perfection. As you can tell, I am working things through in my mind too. You are not alone Britchik.

I hope things feel safe for you in the days to come and that you will start to feel loved, the way you deserve to be. Please accept these ramblings as one who is seeking...thanks.