Probably Nothing & a Bit Rambly, but Here It Is...

Okay, so this has been bothering me for a couple years now, & it's been bothering me a LOT more than I've let on. Here's the low-down.

I've always been fairly outgoing sexually. I'm not into urine/feces/vomit. I have never been THAT wild. (I don't judge. It's just not my idea of fun or sexy.)

Randomly, a few years ago, I just suddenly became far more conservative & boring than I used to be. I'm also extremely shy. I've had the same partner, (most of the time), for the past 5 years. (We broke up for a little over a year 2009-2010. I had a short relationship, & the odd one-night stand in that period of time.) I was wild & crazy when I met him, but now, I'm too shy to watch porn at all while he's home. I only touch myself in front of him when I'm drunk. I HATE giving oral. I have an aversion to penises in general. I almost never initiate intimacy, even if I'm going out of my mind with desire. I'm just too shy. I'm all coy & virginal. Hell, I'm more virginal than I was when I was a virgin. lol I want to have fun the way I used to & be as fun as I used to be, but I'm just shy & get this icky feeling about doing a lot of things that I used to enjoy.

I'm only 21. Is this normal? Should I speak with a sexual therapist to try to tap into wtf happened & how to change it??? I have tried looking up stuff in Cosmo & on their website to spice myself up, & tips to better my body & whatnot in case it's a lack of confidence, but reading the tips makes me cry & feel awful because a lot of the sex tips are stuff that I just know I won't do. Even the stuff I've done in the past that's suggested is often stuff I won't do. It's upsetting even more considering I still have a ridiculously high sex drive.

Tbh, I don't really expect any answers. I'm not even quite sure what the question is that I am asking here. I just needed to get it off of my chest.

I'm not trained at all in therapy but the 'figure out what happened' answer might be self esteem issues. Honestly. Issues with self esteem often manifest in ways which may not seem like a self esteem problem to that person. I so know, though, that I have a similar story in terms of construct. I'm 21 and I used to be a lot more outgoing and confident, but over the past couple years I've seemed to have lost that and it bugs me. Thing is, I get upset about it too which just makes things worse (like how you cry when you see tips).

Do you feel similar that things have been going downhill for while and you often worry and dwell which just really makes you feel worse?

omg You have no idea how much I do. lol I'm still wild & crazy when I drink. It mostly bothers me that, literally suddenly, I started absolutely HATING performing oral, which I never had an issue with before. My boyfriend really enjoys oral, but I RARELY do it, & never for long. He doesn't care THAT much, but he does miss the wild & crazy, younger version of me. I do, too. I had so much fun, but now, my sexual tastes feel somewhat constricting & limiting. My interests definitely don't suit my super-high sex drive. It really sucks sometimes.

When I drink I get back to the old me as well. I honestly think you have some self esteem things to work out. I know of a wonderful book. I started reading it in May and I've felt amazingly better since then and several people have told me that I appear less anxious and stressed than I have been for a while. It's not time consuming and if you do what it says you'll be happier I think.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1...steem_Workbook

Good luck. PM/email me if you want to talk. Email would achieve a quicker response most likely

Thanks! If I had money, I'd order it. I haven't NOTICED a self-esteem issue anywhere else. I think it's mostly the way I look naked to myself. I hate my naked body. I've been trying to work at accepting my body the way it is. I will do some research for tips on liking your own naked body.