Extremely Disgusted With Myself >Explicit

I hope this is in the right forum, it seemed to be a little to explicit to put anywhere else.
I'm not even sure where to start… I wish my first topic in this community was about something else. Going through the forums, even reading the triggering topics.. Let's just say I have a lot of problems. There are some childhood memories that I would rather forget. In fact, for the most part everything I remember regarding this topic is hazy. I have ignored them and eventually forgotten them in the past, but it seems my memories are coming back, and making me feel disgusted with myself in the process. I'm going to try writing everything I remember, all of which are possibly triggering.
I can remember being sexually stimulated at a very young age. Before I could bathe by myself, my parents would bathe me. Sometimes I would take a bath with my older sister or younger brother. I remember after a bath with my brother, my dad dried me off, and when he got to my privates I enjoyed the feeling. I asked him to do it again and he said no but ended up doing it anyway.
When I was with my good friend T, we would play mommy and daddy games, and sometimes ended up making out. Her father walked in on us one time, and after that we never played those games. I was in first/ second grade.
I moved around a lot when I was younger. When I moved to south carolina in fourth grade, I made a couple friends and one really good friend. I remember sleeping over D's house, and one night she started to finger me through my clothes. I didn't really know what was going on so I sort of let it happen. She urged me to do the same to her, so I did.
At my birthday party, my friend D and L were over. We were in the pool and so was my little brother. We played truth or dare, and somehow ended up doing naughty things. One of my friends dared the other to kiss my little brother. Then I was dared to kiss my brother. I didn't know it was wrong.
There was a little boy, I forget his name, who randomly showed up at our house one day and asked to play with us. I didn't know him, and neither did my brother, but we decided to hang out anyways. I can't remember how often we would play together. I just remember being uncomfortable around him. One time he told me he was going to get me in bed one day, and that upset me a lot. I can't remember if he started chasing me or what, but I remember having to grab a stick from the tree I was climbing and hitting him with it, running inside and hiding and crying in my room. My mom was not happy at all when I told her. I think he tried to come back and play once, or a couple more times, but I didn't see him ever again.
Now to what I really am ashamed of. I really can't remember who initiated it, me or J. Basically we ended up having sex. It was consensual. I can't say how many times it has happened. It occurred for about three years, from age 10 to 13. I can't even describe how disgusted I am with myself… I feel like I've been abused, and an abuser.
I don't like being tickled because it invades my space and makes me feel like I'm a little kid again. I can't even imagine being close to someone, like hugging or kissing.
I don't want to deal with the memories, I wish I could forget completely. I know I need to bring this up with my psychologist, but I am really scared. I have an appointment with him in less than four hours. I don't know if I should bring it up or not.

You have no reason to be disgusted with yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You were a child then and the circumstances that you lived in led you to those actions. I am sure it is not uncommon. There are sexual urges that can be difficult to contain - and if you were a child, you didn't even really know what was going on - only that it felt good.

I hope you discussed this with your psychologist. It has had a giant impact on your self-esteem and your current life. It is critical that you give yourself the chance to work through it.

You are unable to consent to sex at ages 10-13. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We are sexual beings, responding to touch in private areas can result in good feelings. I think sharing this in therapy would be a good first step in sorting out these confusing feelings/memories. Much as we try, memories cannot be forgotten - only worked through. Good Luck to you and keep posting. This a supportive, non-judgmental community. I know it has helped me tremendously to share and receive feedback from others who have "been there".

Sorry that you are feeling shameful ((do I exist)).

I can understand that you are struggling with memories held deeply in your psyche. The emotions connected to your memories may be very dark and shameful ~ they are valid emotions to (unfortunately) suffer from.

I don't agree that you should feel self-hatred and shameful for things done at such a young age. You were young. Physical pleasure does occur throughout our lives. Caregivers usually gently lead us through understanding human bodies ~ along with what is and isn't socially appropriate. Sometimes, our caregivers avoid seeing or talking about sexuality. We end up learning comfort levels later than we should (or could). This often results in feelings of guilt and self-hatred.

Understanding that your experiences do not have to lead to self-hatred; it does take time to develop that level of understanding. It takes more time to accept the past and "forgive" yourself for what you feel that you did wrong as you were growing up. It isn't an overnight process. But it is one to work towards.

Please do get therapuetic help. Work through your memories with a professional, so they can give their input. An unbiased person sharing their perspective can help you see that your emotions and the memories don't quite match. You then work towards gaining a better understanding of yourself, and allow yourself to forgive and let go of the self-hate held onto so tightly.

Welcome to P.C. ~ gentle hugs to you!

you were just a kid. sex isnt disgusting.

I'm not quite sure what you are upset about? has an adult ever touched you inappropriatly? Kids fool around a lot. I had lesbian sexual relationships with my best friends at 10 i know lots of other girls and guys who expeiramented with friends and relatives at an early age. Ya shouldnt feel bad.

no i had the same kind of experiences as a child with my female cousin

it is perfectly natural, i still get aroused by my female cousins, i would never do anything but i think its perfectly natural to feel something

These seem like fairly normal and innocent childhood explorations.

I'm sorry the memories make you so upset.

i've had similiar experiances with relations and friends.it was unwanted attention when i was 4-9. but then i initiated a situation a couple of times when i was about9-12. the shame is horrible even though the person was about my age. but i guess kids do stuff and if their abused they may be more inclined to try it to another. i hope you will talk to your t. it does no good to walk around with such shame and guilt. hang in there