[Delaney0]

I fell in love with my best friend, he is a gay male, I am a straight female. I haven't told him how I feel but it sometimes feels as if he knows and is playing with my emotions. Our relationship is, and has always been strictly platonic, but sometimes he talks about marriage with me. He hasn't been with a woman for 20 years. I know he loves me as a friend but why does he lead me to believe we can ever be more. Sometimes when we are out, usually at gay clubs, he tells people we are married, and sometimes he says that maybe we should get married. I usually play it off as a joke but it feels like a knife in my heart. Any advice?

I think you should tell him how you feel about him and how is actions are affecting you. Please explain that his talk of possible marriage are not humorous because you do have feelings for him. Even in long-standing friendships, it is important to have boundaries. You need to set one and you need to open up about your feelings. Hopefully, he is a good enough friend to sense the deepness of the problem and to have empathy for you and will also seek to help you find someone with whom you can fall in love.

I was in a similar situation years ago and did not know how to handle it. I had empathy but did not want to lead her on. I continued to provide emotional support until she broke off the friendship. She is seeing a guy I don't really like much and who may be homophobie. But, at least she is no longer alone, and for that I am grateful.

[Delaney0]

Thanks unhappyguy. The next time the subject comes up I will ask him to stop talking about it. You're right, I do need to set boundaries in our relationship, I know that he has them and I always try to respect them. As far as telling him how I feel, I'm not so sure I can do that. I don't want our friendship to change and I don't want him to become uncomfortable around me. Thanks for posting unhappyguy, you made me feel less alone.

[mgran]

It could be that he is stringing you along. It's hard to not know when someone is attracted to you... perhaps he sees you as a "safe" female to pal around with, and perhaps on some level you see him as a "safe" man, since you know he won't be after you sexually. Often when a straight person is attracted to a gay person it's because the straight has some baggage of their own which leads them to fall in love with impossible people. Does that make sense? Please don't be offended if I've said completely the wrong thing though.

Do tell him that his jokes hurt. Be prepared for the friendship to change though. I'm sorry.

[Delaney0]

Thanks for replying mgran. I didn't find anything that you said to be offensive, actually, I think that you are correct. I do have some baggage with self-esteem issues and dating men that are wrong for me. This is a difficult situation for me because I don't want our friendship to change but I also cannot continue on like this, if that makes any sense. I appreciate your advice and will speak to him as soon as an opportunity presents itself. I would like to add that our families don't help the situation as they treat us as a couple and expect to show up everywhere together. I have addressed this issue with my own family but I believe that it is his responsibility to speak to his family about this, I think that this may be where some of his confusion comes from. His family seems to support his lifestyle but I think that they hope, and I know that they encourage, that because we are so close and spend so much time together that maybe one day he could change. Thanks again.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I think it would be great if you were able to talk to him. I have been attracted to many of my gay male friends over the years and I know that apart from the fact that they are just great guys, I also had/have intimacy issues with men(due to the relationship I had with my father). My gay male friends felt safe to me and a part of me always knew that they would never hurt me sexually because they were not interested in women. I used to fantasize(and still do, sometimes) about being in a relationship with them and I later realized that it was a way for me to work through my own fears. I think that talking about it could bring you closer(as friends).