[Frustrated Freddie]

Hi all, only new here, but had to find somewhere to look for answers, this looks like the place. My wife and I have been together for about 10 years now and have 2 wonderful kids,(she has 2 from a previous marriage as well). We are happy and live on a large property which I manage and life is pretty good. The only thing missing in our relationship is love/sex. She tells me she still loves me, but if we have sex 3-4 times a year now that would be a big thing. We had a great sex life up until then, couldn't ask for better, then it switched off. she is in her mid 30's so should be in her sexual prime.
When we met, I was a competetive bodybuilder, and went on to be 2 times Mr Australia, and since taking this job have stopped training, but I havn't let myself go by any means. But sometimes I wonder if it has anything to do with it ? She does suffer from depression/anxiety, although we seem to have that under control, I have always supported her with that. She now takes pristique (desvenlafaxine 100mg) and we were wondering if that has any complications with libido, as some other drugs do ?
The other thing that worries me is that she makes no attempt to try and fix it, and after 3 years of coming home to a loveless household is starting to wear a bit thin, actually I think if it wasn't for the kids I would have left long ago. Not just for that reason, but to me it feels like I am just there to bring the money in so she can go shopping. I keep the yard and gardens tidy, I help, or more often do the housework/ washing up/washing, bath the kids etc, even after doing 15 hour days at work, she doesn't attempt to help me out much, and I don't think it has anything to do with other underlying problems, I think it is just laziness.
Sometimes we have friends over from the next property over, and if she gets a bit happy on rum and coke, then she wants to have sex, and cant wait to get into bed, is this caused from the alcohol, or does it block whatever her problem is ? Rum has always made her horny, no other alcohol has this effect ?

Sorry for rambling guys, I just need answers before this marriage breaks down, it has everything going for it, just a few speed bumps. We never argue/fight etc, there just never seems to be any love, not even a hug or kiss when I get home from work, guess I am just at a loss to understand this, thanks in advance,
FF

There are plenty of people on this forum with the expertise and experience to advise you but here's my two cents for what it's worth:
When you say the only things missing in your relationship are love and sex, I have to wonder what that leaves you with? In other words, the situation is not at all good. First and foremost, I would definitely include her in the process of getting to the bottom of these issues; she needs to hear from you everything you've expressed here. Perhaps couples therapy is warranted or getting her doctor to try a different medication. You need to be proactive about it, get online, as you've done here, and find out as much as you can first, so as to be well-informed prior to seeing the doctor. I think that's true of any malady these days, there's so much info online that it is almost inexcusable to not have done ones' homework.

To me it sounds like a clear case of untreated depression, post-partum or otherwise. Also, not surprisingly, one of the side effects of pristique is changes in libido. I'm quite certain your wife is not lazy. And I'm also certain that your bodybuilders physique has not so radically changed as to turn her off. Address her depression and I think things will look up for you. Good luck.

One of the side effects of your wife's anti-d medication is decreased sexual interest. See http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-1501...axine&source=1 . So, my first suggestion would be that she consult her MD and request a new anti-d without sexual side-effects.

[Healthy Sex]

Frustrated Freddie,

Your frustrations are not uncommon nor simple "rambling." A sexless marriage can cause great distress, and you reaching out to this community shows that you care about your relationship and are looking for ways to save the marriage and ignite some passion back into it. Unhappyguy is right, her prescription may be influencing her sex drive and I would recommend you speak to her prescribing doctor about it. Furthermore though, it sounds like she has an aversion or lack of appetite for sex.

I would suggest seeking couples sex therapy within your area (a good place to start is AASECT, although I notice you may be in Australia and there is one contact within Australia, although he may be a good place to start). Additionally look at resources about Sexual Anorexia and speak with your wife about if any of the characteristics resonate with her (ie. withholding love and praise, fear of sex, gaining control through limiting sex etc.). Begin with opening a line of communication with your wife and understand that there may be some underlying issues that could be out of your control but that you are able to help her work through.

Best of luck.

[CantExplain]

Is your wife getting any kind of therapy? That would help her mood and in the long term reduce her need for meds.