Unsure

I don't know what I am, or who I am. I don't know how to start, either. My mom was abusive and a huge homophobe (strangely not towards gay men, but towards gay women). It was always a big problem with her if I showed any signs of being what she called butch. My first physical romance was experimenting with my female best friend when we were younger. I had sex when I was 16 with my boyfriend. I'm still with him. I don't want to be. But that's because of issues with him personally, not his gender.

When I, err, you know. Flick the bean it's always to women. I'm definitely attracted to women but weirdly I always seem to flirt with men. I don't know why. It seems like it would be so much easier to be a guy, does the fact that I think that mean I would be happier as one? Was I meant to be a guy? How can you be so sure of something like that? It's just so confusing, it gets all muddled in my head.
And when I'm finally sure of something, another thing always screws it up. I don't know.

I guess I'm just kind of ranting, I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for... Well, thanks--whoever read this huge thing.