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Crowned "The Good Witch"
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#1
My bff and I were being goofy, and I decided to spank her for fun. She spanked me back and then I got out my riding crop and decided to use it (we were being fake-goofy-kinky so she was okay with it). I didn't mind using it on her, but when I gave it to her I kept freaking out and flinching so a few times she ended up hitting me with the stick part. She hits hard, which is the point, but I couldn't keep still and there was a part of me that was scared. My mom would spank me growing up, and when she was drunk she would spank me thinking it was funny but I hated when she did it. It felt humiliating that I was too old for that and even at a young age I knew it was a thing she did with my dad, so it was twice as humiliating. Now I am wondering if the spanking should be kept between me and someone I love who want to be spanked for pleasure and not just to goof around? I never brought up the spanking issue with my T because everyone has gotten spanked when they were young, but would it really make me scared of being spanked by someone i love? I didn't buy the crop to use on myself but because I can't spank hard to begin with and I do think spanking can be kinky and I'm hoping this can just be a fear I can get over with practice.
Thoughts? Could this fear be a result from my mom? |
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2012
Location: North Carolina, USA
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#2
It certainly could be a result of your mother. If the memory of her spankings is still fresh and they caused you discomfort, the spanking now may cause those feelings to resurface. Quite like a trigger.
I would bring it up with your T. While most kids likely did get spanked as kids (I know I did ), your circumstances are a little different. At any rate, if it bothers you, it's worth a talk, no? __________________ The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
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Crowned "The Good Witch"
Member Since Jun 2009
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 11,535
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14 1,318 hugs
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#3
It makes sense, but with my T we tend to talk about the most important things bothering me. I don't think being spanked is a huge worry, but I do think it's worth mentioning because I've wanted to mention this before.
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Grand Poohbah
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#4
Well that makes sense. But otherwise, when you have a chance, by all means do it!
__________________ The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
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#5
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Crowned "The Good Witch"
Member Since Jun 2009
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Posts: 11,535
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#6
Read 50 Shades of Grey. They cover that quite well. Spanking should be done during sex/foreplay (at least, if both parties are interested). And what happened last night made me realize that it takes a lot of trust to do that, and not just that but both parties have to know their limits and expectations. There was more going on than what I wrote: I have very strong feelings for her that she does not know about, so I was also conflicted with how I felt and how I was supposed to feel. It was supposed to be a joke, but there were very confusing feelings for me and I was also scared not from her but from the action itself. And while that was happening I was also comparing myself to an erotic book and if it's suppose to be like that, too. Like Ana, she was a virgin like me and was afraid of spanking as punishment, but then she realized that she was turned on by the pain, and I thought well shouldn't I have felt the same way, even though it wasn't supposed to be sexual? It was just so confusing and I don't think I'm going to bring out the crop again unless it's for real spanking.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2012
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#7
I don't think you should feel odd for not feeling like the book character. Your backgrounds, despite the surface similarities, are different, and ultimately, she's an erotic book character. Call it a hunch, but I think she's going to be just fine with it.
Your feelings for your friend certainly does complicate how you must've felt though. I think you're smart in putting the crop away for now. __________________ The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
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#8
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I posted my question but unfortunately it seems to have been deleted Hope you have better luck... maybe your therapist can help you resolve this using your own insights. |
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Elder
Member Since Feb 2008
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#9
As someone who is a part of BDSM community and lives a D/s relationship with my boyfriend, I"ve talked to quite a few people about spanking and how they feel about it.
It could have to do with the memories of your mom, or if you prefer to be in a Dom role it could be that is why you dislike it, many Dom's don't like spanking or any kind of rough play without them being in control, they don't like how helpless it feels or it humilates them. It would be a great idea to talk it over with your T, T's are there to help and your T may have some insight to what is causing your anxiety and confusion over it Also as a submissive, sometimes I find the actual pain is a turn on, or the idea I am submitting to my boyfriend who likes to do spankings is what does it for me. Spanking doesn't have to be a punishment and you're right, to do those things requires a lot of trust and talking about limits and feeling safe with someone. It is really great you recognize those things 50 Shades of Grey is not a great way to learn more about the BDSM world, it is a erotic novel and a fantasy, although in some parts it does do a lot of good showcasing the emotional sides and the power there is behind D/s and different fetish plays. There are still many online communities that do a better job, if you would like to know a few feel free to PM me or PM me with any questions, It is a fun read though and I read many online stories like that when I was first exploring BDSM as well, they are a great aide in showcasing some parts of BDSM. I also found myself relating a lot to Ana in the book, because I was very confused by my submissive nature at first as well, as well as a virgin when I met my now boyfriend and Dom I hope I was some help! |
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LiteraryLark
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#10
Thanks Typo, I do see myself as a Dom and I did confess with my bff that I would like to find someone who is submissive, and I don't like how I felt helpless.
I know 50 shades of Grey is just a novel, but I don't have any other reference to the BDSM world. |
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Elder
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#11
*hugs if okay* It's totally cool, I really didn't either when I started realizing that I was most comfy as a submissive and being in a D/s relationship. I read a lot of short romantic erotic stories and it helped me realize that it was what I needed and wanted with someone. So they defintely serve their purpose It may be why I don't enjoy 50 Shades of Grey as much in this stage of my life, as I would have when I was just starting out, I have too many refrences to the BDSM world lol.
A lot of it is trying things and learning, everyone has things they don't enjoy, and their are things I can't do with my Bf because of things in my past too and he respects that. I can't give much advice on being a dom, since I'm not one, but you will figure out what you like and what are hard limits for you as you go along and become more comfy with yourself. You'll find your way, just remember to take care of yourself and things will fall in place |
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LiteraryLark
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#12
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__________________ This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
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LiteraryLark
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Crowned "The Good Witch"
Member Since Jun 2009
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 11,535
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14 1,318 hugs
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#13
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lynn P.
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#14
There's playful spanking or like when you flick a towel at someone for fun and then there's erotic pleasure from spanking. The key is that its consensual and what you're comfortable with.
__________________ This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) Last edited by lynn P.; Jul 18, 2012 at 06:57 PM.. |
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Grand Member
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#15
I think you're starting to learn what it is you really want, from this experience. And that's exactly where your focus should be. Not what you're "supposed" to want. You're also learning where your boundaries are and what makes you uncomfortable. Just stick with this and do what's best for yourself, while being respectful of your partner/s and their boundaries.
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LiteraryLark, lynn P.
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#16
50 Shades of Grey really bothers me. While it helps some people learn that you don't have to be strictly vanilla & being kinky doesn't have to shun you from society. But it also gives people a lot of unrealistic expectations about BDSM. It's bad enough that some people use the Dominant or submissive role as a scapegoat to mistreat/mooch off of their partner in some situation... Now there are going to be a lot of misinformed young girls who think they want to submit & could be exploited. *shakes head*
In regards to the original post... I was spanked a lot as a child. With one of my exes, I liked when he spanked me. But when we wanted to use a belt -- it's like some weird primal instinct kicked in. My eyes got wide, I started trembling, & I couldn't control my reactions. We had to stop the scene short & just play videogames together. With my current boyfriend, however? I'm perfectly fine with it. Being physically or psychologically taken advantage of is a lot more complex than most people really care to imagine. Even if you KNOW that you like something, you can often lose control of your reaction because you hit some sort of subconscious nerve. It involves a ridiculous amount of trust & knowledge of your partner. Especially when you have a past with abuse, which we often do... It can be a healing experience to have positive emotions attached to what previously traumatised you. But in a joking context -- there is not enough depth in the relationship or act itself to be a healing experience. And also, keep in mind, warming up is important. Being hit too hard too quickly can create a fight or flight reaction. : ) |
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Typo
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LiteraryLark, lynn P., Typo
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Crowned "The Good Witch"
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#17
Quote:
As for what happened, she wanted to be hit as hard as she can (and I had a hard time doing that), and she wanted to hit me as hard as she can. But it wasn't supposed to be sexual, it was just supposed to be funny. |
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#18
Just because you're uncomfortable with sex doesn't mean you had to be sexually abused. Were you surrounded with a really uptight view of sex? That's enough to instill some longterm discomfort.
Well, I was just throwing it out there! Just because you didn't like one experience doesn't mean you won't like the next. It varies. |
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Crowned "The Good Witch"
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#19
Do you think being forced to listen to my parents having sex has anything to do with it? -_-
What has been heard cannot be unheard. =[ |
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Crowned "The Good Witch"
Member Since Jun 2009
Location: Wonderland
Posts: 11,535
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14 1,318 hugs
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#20
I know this is anonymous, but I feel wrong for talking about it...but I think I know why I don't like being spanked... =[
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