[LiteraryLark]

I have a sexual fetish for pegging (a man receiving a strap-on) and for WWII uniforms. In my online dating ad I included that I am looking for someone who is interested or open to pegging as well as a relationship. I didn't go into details about my fetish, just that I am trying to find someone into that.

I get mixed responses to it: a lot of guys gave me kudos for being so honest, and then other guys questioned if all I wanted was sex. And then other guys have no idea what that is and waste my time. I really want someone with this fetish because I don't want it to be just a fantasy I'll never be able to have, but I also want to be in a relationship. Its important for me to find someone, but should I consider other people who aren't into fetishes?

Can someone please review my ad, see if there is anything I can add or change. Should I leave the pegging out of the ad or be me subtle about it?

Thank you!

I am looking for a potential boyfriend with kink material. Friendship and trust is invaluable, so I am in no hurry to rush into a relationship, but finding someone who is open-minded to my kinks is like finding a needle in a haystack. If pegging is not your style (look it up), then it isn’t and you can move on to your search for the perfect woman, but it is mine and I am searching for that needle in a haystack that I can call my own.


About me:

I’m currently earning my certificate as a medical assistant at the JC. I enjoy helping and taking care of others in need. edit: I am looking for someone with my kinks, but someone who’d also want to be in a relationship. I like to take things slow and I don’t enjoy being rushed or pressured. I love traveling, though I rarely ever get to; I’m an avid backpacker and have been backpacking for years—I would love to have someone to go hiking and camping with. Other activities I enjoy are swimming, visiting theme parks, spending time with my family and relatives, going on road trips, and visiting San Francisco.


About you:
I’m not dating anyone over 28. If I had to pick only one quality I love most in someone, it would be a sense of humor. Ideally, you’d have your own transportation and a job. You’d be someone who enjoys or would enjoy being pegged and is also looking for a potential girlfriend. I’m looking for a boyfriend with kink, not a one-night stand. I am looking for someone laid back but always up for an adventure. Love for the outdoors is a plus well as going on adventures or just watching a movie and relaxing.

I feel like it's too short.

[lynn P.]

I'm older and not experienced in dating at all lol. Seems your ad is fine just, the mother in me is worried about your safety. For example - there's been some assaults on Craig's list. If you do find someone - best to agree to a verbal contract - what you're both willing to do. Since you mentioned you're inexperienced before I wouldn't want you to get pushed beyond what you're comfortable with. Have you thought about whether you're a Dominatrix?

[LiteraryLark]

I'm not posting on craigslist, I'm using another dating website.

I'm not a dominatrix, it's just the one fetish.

[Harley47]

Glad it's not Craigslist. lol My mom and I once spent an afternoon browsing the personals for laughs and shocks. Yours wouldn't fit in there.

Your ad, I think, is nice. It's very well written, and I think it does a good job of briefly yet without question giving a glimpse at what you want. No one is (or should...seriously, who did? ) going to accuse you of just wanting sex or a physical relationship out of that.

As far as the pegging goes, I'd perhaps be a *little* more subtle. It really stands out against the rest of it, which is good to a point. But I think it sort of...lol I suppose the best analogy I can give is driving down a really smooth country road and suddenly hitting a speedbump. You might just want to give it it's own small section. Near the front as it is sort of nails ya.

On the other hand, if it is a matter of high importance to you, it might be worth leaving as is. Either way, I would suggest the loss of the parenthetical suggestion to google it.

All in all I think it's very nice. Well written, very clear, and gives a nice snapshot of you.

[LiteraryLark]

Here's the edited version:

I am a pansexual looking for a relationship with kink material. Friendship and trust is invaluable, and I am in no hurry to rush into a relationship, but finding someone who is open-minded to my kinks is like finding a needle in a haystack and I am searching for that needle to call my own.

About me:
I’m currently earning my certificate as a medical assistant at the JC, but I’m not planning on taking any general ed. I enjoy helping and taking care of others in need and will go out of my way to please loved ones. As far as relationships go, I like to take things slow and don’t enjoy being rushed or pressured. I strive for the yin and yang of laid back and relaxing and on-the-go adventuring: I love to sit back in the back yard with my family when we bbq or spend the weekend at the pool of my favorite hotel, but I also love traveling as I am an avid backpacker and have been backpacking for almost ten years—It’s very important for me to find someone who shares the same love of the outdoors and loves going camping and hiking. Other activities I enjoy are swimming, visiting theme parks, spending time with my family and relatives, going on road trips, and visiting San Francisco. My kinks are something I’ve only been able to fantasize about, but I am looking for someone who would be open to try anything—or even better to be just as into my kinks as I am. Not to say sex more important to me than a relationship, but I am more adventurous than most girls.

About you:
You are under 28 years old. (If you’re over 30, it’s too big of a gap for me to be comfortable with.) You’d have your own transportation and a job, especially if you live outside of City. You love the outdoors and love to go hiking and camping. You have an amazing sense of humor. You are patient and in no rush to find someone. You can always think of fun things to do. If you know what pegging is and would or do enjoy it, I’d be very interested in chatting with you. Again, I want a relationship, but I’m also looking for someone who is very open-minded and adventurous to try new things.

[krisakira]

I kinda want to do pegging but my boyfriend isn't into it ... Darn, oh well. At least I am finally admitting to it.

[Stellato]

With being straight forward for what you're looking for like that, I believe that'd be the best way to go about it because it weeds out those that aren't interested in something like that.

By the way, could I PM you about this subject? I must admit, I am very fond of pegging : )

[LiteraryLark]

Im not sure about that right now...

[unaluna]

honestly, given your age and circumstances, I think including this info may be biting off more than you can chew? putting the cart before the horse? are people your age really using the internet to meet? why aren't you "out there" "doing things" as a way of meeting people with similar interests? Somehow, theme parks and pegging don't jibe. I would worry about encouraging pedophiles. Also, it makes me wonder if you're in the closet. You can do whatever you want once you GET THERE, I really don't think you would find your partner unwilling. But it seems to me to be more about meeting different people and developing yourself as a person at this stage, rather than ensuring your fetishistic desires are met?

[LiteraryLark]

That's true, but how many people at the bookstore or the coffee shop are going to be into that? I am not into whips and chains and bossing people around, and how many GUYS are going to want to be that submissive without questioning their reputation or their orientation?

edit: I want kinky sex and a long term relationship...how do I get both?

[LiteraryLark]

I'm sorry that I snapped. I've been under a lot of stress lately and putting so much pressure on myself, but I know that was out of line...

[unaluna]

I didn't think you snapped - I just really don't think getting kinky sex is going to be a problem - maybe the LTR is. it takes maturity. I haven't got it!

[Yoda]

I like the rewritten one. I like pegging too but didn't even know that's what it is called.

I like some other kink too but it took time for me to gain trust in my partner before I would do some stuff.

[Typo]

I think you should be open about your fetish and what you are looking for, it is better than in the long term wasting time being with people who aren't into it and it is always good to be up front with someone.

As for pursuing a relationship without kink, it never worked for me, what I ended up realizing I needed is a D/s (dominat and submissive) relationship to be emotionally complete and happy in a relationship. When I wasn't pursuing it in a healthy matter within the BDSM community I would end up in emotionally abusive relationships and being taken advantage of. For me it just didn't work, I had to have that dynamic.

Sex can be a very important part of a relationship, it fulfills many emotional needs for many people. You have to ask yourself if you were to be with someone for long term could you live with a "vanilla" sex life? Would you feel emotionally satisfied in that relationship?

It's hard sometimes to find people in the same kinks, because so many kinks are very hush hush (like D/s relationships or most types of BDSM) some people are very open and some people only talk about it once establishing a line of trust.

You will find someone into those things, it just takes a bit more time and patience (and I know dating already takes so much time and patience ) but it is worth it in the end when you find someone that lines up right with all your kinks and is on the same page with you. Local munches (BDSM community lunch or dinner get togethers) would also be a good way to meet people who may share the same kinks and fetishes as you.

oh and I think your add sounds great, very well written and inviting! And it doesn't just sound like you want sex at all, it says alot about your interest and what you are looking for long term with a partner and what hobbies you have!

Wishing you lots of luck!

[Harley47]

I think the revised ad is perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.

I hope it goes well, and you find who you're looking for.

[sivyaleah]

Hi Dr. Skipper!

I've been reading this thread and just wanted to add that I think your revised ad has a better tone to it also. I'm older (53), experienced, and although not personally kinky (well, not too much anyway) I'm very accepting of various sexuality in people and have no problem talking about them - plus I have many friends who are in those communities so through the years I've absorbed a lot of second hand knowledge. I always say, I'm personally conservative but globally liberally. I'm the kind who is happy to look and watch but not necessarily partake lol.

Focusing on your desire for a relationship, but also being upfront about your particular sexual needs within a relationship is important in this instance. You seem to have gotten to a point in your life where you know yourself well enough to recognize what you require to be sexually satisfied - there is nothing wrong with this. It's a healthy way to be, and mature of you to know this already. Many woman like "topping" their men in some form or another and as you have stated, it does not have to be in a way which is demeaning or necessary make them feel completely submissive.

My partner, enjoys being penetrated digitally, although we have not gotten so far as to try pegging. I suspect, however, he would be quite open to the idea as we had a couple of discussions about it in a general sense and he expressed interest. For us, this just came up naturally while having sex, it wasn't something pre-planned. I just had a second sense that it would be enjoyable for him, and I went about it slowly and, he was receptive. I don't find it to be particularly kinky either for whatever reason although I can see how some find it so. It just seemed to be a natural extension of us and how we relate to each other. Of course, we had already built up a lot of trust with each other at that point in the relationship - I don't know if I would have approached it otherwise (we've now been together for about 4 years - although I guess I brought this up at least a couple of years ago).

Being honest from the beginning is important. I also suspect that in your age group, you may find out that your partners are more open than you anticipate they might be. Some, may have even experimented with male partners at some point in their lives - many more than you think do. My BF did in his early teens. So, they may not be so shocked by the suggestion as you fear.

Think of it this way. You may have to go out on a lot of dates to weed out the ones that aren't right for you, but somewhere along the line you're bound to find someone who will click with you. My mom used to say there's a cover for every pot. Most of the time, there are many covers that fit (I'm on my third!), maybe not perfectly but they do the job

Probably posting the ad in the right venue is key. I had used Match.com years ago with good results but I don't know if that is exactly the right place for this type of ad - there must be some dating sites which specialize in people who are seeking relationships with "special needs" lol. The suggestion to go to some "munches" sounds like an excellent idea also.

Good luck!

[unaluna]

I hate to be a wet blanket here, but you are not advising a mature, independent woman. you're talking to a virgin who has barely started dating, who is barely legal. who is not old enough to drink in most states. who does not yet pay her own way. who doesn't know what to say after you say hello on a first date, to quote a book title. who, I admit, has come a really long way in the past few months, but - am I out of touch with reality here? skip doesn't have a dating life, we jumped all over you-know-who for focusing on HIS fetish, but it's fine for this extremely young lady? idk, I just really don't think an 18 yr old female needs to advertise herself as she wants to do kinky stuff with guys up to 30 yrs old. correct me if i'm wrong, please.

[lynn P.]

I can see where you're coming from Hankster and this is why I cautioned the OPer or anyone to be careful with online meetups. I think it would be better to find a partner 1st and when 2 people really care about each other, they may be willing to explore a bit. I would hate for a 1st time experience to end badly.

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

edit: I want kinky sex and a long term relationship...how do I get both?

Still trying to figure out how to achieve this one myself

[Typo]

I understand your concern Hankster, but Skipper is an adult. Everyone starts somewhere regardless of age. Part of learning is experincing, and as long as you use your head and make sure you are safe and have safety as a number one priority when venturing out in the world then your starting in the right direction. She isn't just posting that add looking for sex, she is posting it looking to date and for her that kink is important in a potiental relationship

When I met my boyfriend I was a 20 going on 21 year old virgin, with very limited dating experince (what I did have was not great at all) the man that was to be my boyfriend was 28 going on 29 and made it clear BDSM was important to him and was going to be a part of a relationship for him. It is a bit oppsiete from the situation but everyone starts somewhere.

I highly do suggest getting in touch or involved with local BDSM groups, they are a great support for younger people and people curious and getting into the lifestyle. You can talk to other people, discuss saftey in meeting people online and maybe even meet someone who may share similar interest and kinks.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by hankster

I hate to be a wet blanket here, but you are not advising a mature, independent woman. you're talking to a virgin who has barely started dating, who is barely legal. who is not old enough to drink in most states. who does not yet pay her own way. who doesn't know what to say after you say hello on a first date, to quote a book title. who, I admit, has come a really long way in the past few months, but - am I out of touch with reality here? skip doesn't have a dating life, we jumped all over you-know-who for focusing on HIS fetish, but it's fine for this extremely young lady? idk, I just really don't think an 18 yr old female needs to advertise herself as she wants to do kinky stuff with guys up to 30 yrs old. correct me if i'm wrong, please.

Not many 19 year olds want to peg and be pegged. Not many 19 year olds have fetishes. I do.

I'm not at all innocent. I've always been the Princess by Day, Slut by Night. I've been watching porn since I was sixteen, masturbate at least once a day, I've been fingered, watched others have sex IRL, etc. and though I haven't been dating for a couple years, I am definitely not socially awkward and can hold up a conversation quite well. And I know that if I don't put this in my ad, I might as well stick to vanilla the rest of my life because that guy who wants to be pegged is going to be one in a million. And he probably isn't going to be lurking in a bookstore or a coffee shop. Age really doesn't matter.

[LiteraryLark]

Here's the "subtle" version:

My self-summary
I am a pansexual (they really need more orientations and genders) looking for a potential long-term relationship. Friendship and trust is invaluable, and I am in no hurry to rush into a relationship, but finding someone who shares the same wild, adventurous spirit as me is like finding a needle in a haystack—and I am searching for that needle to call my own.

About me:
" " " " ".... A relationship is more important to me than sex, but I would like to find someone as equally adventurous and open-minded as I am towards trying new things, and I do have a few kinks up my sleeve.

About you:
You are college age with your own transportation and a job or side job, especially if you live outside of Santa Rosa. You love the outdoors and love to go hiking and camping. You have an amazing sense of humor (huge turn on for me). You are confident with a good self-esteem. You are patient and in no rush to find someone. You can always think of fun things to do and love to go on adventures. Send me a message and I would like get to know more about you before sending an invite to meet.

Now with this ad, I have to go through a ****load of people I don't like and THEN see if he's in to pegging.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by Typo

I highly do suggest getting in touch or involved with local BDSM groups, they are a great support for younger people and people curious and getting into the lifestyle. You can talk to other people, discuss saftey in meeting people online and maybe even meet someone who may share similar interest and kinks.

How do you find BDSM groups near your area? I tried fetlife but not much luck. I ended up deleting the account anyways.

[Typo]

I found my local community through Fetlife, I just searched the groups and my state and local groups popped up. You can just do a blanket google search with your state, and the words BDSM groups.

[Harley47]

Compared to the second ad, it's less...I think less subtle than it is ambiguous. If I were reading it, I'm not sure I'd immediately equate a "wild, adventurous spirit" to "pegging." Granted, you do allude to it just fine, but I'm worried you might shock someone without the insider knowledge we all have.

I'll confess, I do like the change from under 30 to closer to your age, but that's more my overprotective side concerned for your safety than it is anything else. Go figure, being 19 with a 5 year old kid sister really wakes that up in you. Ultimately, if you're as comfortable with an older gentleman as you are someone your age, that's your preference.

Seeing how important this seems to be for you, it *may* be better to not beat around the bush about it and mention it outright (ie ad version 2). Cuts down a lot of what you're not looking for. As I would tell anyone else seeking more "vanilla" advice (not to call your request strange or anything like that, mind you), don't settle. If this is important to your happiness in a relationship, then I'd tell you by all means, get it. We, myself included, just want you to be safe and happy in doing so, you know?

Additionally Doc, I'm not sure I'd call you a slut by night by any means. I think that denotes a lot less of a moral sense than what I've seen you display. Perhaps adventurous fits better.

I wish I could help you more as far as support sites and the like, but it's outside my realm of experience. I'm only familiar with one such place, and I'm pretty sure it's not what you're looking for. I'm happy to help with revisions on your ad though as much as you need them, though you write well enough that I don't think I'm very much needed.