[JinKisaragi]

Hello. I go by the name "Jin".

I've been having an issue since I was young of being gender confused. I always was into guy things and hanging out with them. Eventually I started to get attracted to them. None of them would go out with me because I wasn't attractive. I tried being more like a girl to get attention, and ended up just wearing a mixture of casual male and female clothes together. It kinda worked.

Eventually it lead to sex. I figured I was okay with it. That was until later when I started thinking more about things...

I dated a girl a bit, and we actually talked about the idea of me getting gender reassignment. I was set on the idea. Then she cheated on me and pretty much ripped my heart out and kicked me while I was down so I never dated a girl ever again.

I fell in love with a guy during hard times. I didn't keep any friends after high school and I was alone all the time isolated in my room quite literally. I wanted someone. Even going to the anime club at the library wasn't helping. There were mostly girls and the guys annoyed me. Finally, a nice guy came in, and I dated him for seven years now.

The problem didn't really become clear until later on. My grandfather died and my grandmother got Alzheimer's, so I didn't feel the need to wear anything "feminine" at all to keep them happy. (Though my idea of feminine was unisex.) Of course, my partner starts complaining because I look more like a guy. He already complained how I act too much like one and look at too many erotic pictures of gay guys.

I decided one day, to cut my really long hair that went down to the very bottom of my back. He cried and threw a fit because I cut my hair. We travel to anime conventions together and I like to dress as anime or video game characters. He tends to ignore me when I dress up because I portray male characters and he says he doesn't want to feel gay and hang around me.

Due to family issues that I can't exactly solve, I live with him. I would live on my own, but I'm on SSI. I tried to work many times but I always got fired from something related to my mental illness. I don't really know why he let me move in... but things got worse. Now he says things about me being only good for sex. He even goes as far to threaten to not feed me if I don't have sex with him. And the reason I don't want to anymore is because moving in meant more sex, and realizing that made me also realize how uncomfortable I was with it. I keep thinking about my gender issues.

I have gotten to the point I don't want to even acknowledge myself as anything but male. To me, there are parts of my body that just don't exist anymore. I deny them. I've come to detest them and I can't even look into a mirror without hatred. Just the thought of them in the slightest makes me uneasy. He can't accept me any way I am, and that isn't real love at all. I really don't know what to do to get away from him. I was confused a long time, but now I realize what I really am and now I'm just stuck in a rotten situation.

[ummokay]

Hey Jin.
First off, I can understand where you're coming from on the gender identity front.
This relationship that you are describing is starting to sound abusive. Although he isn't quite there yet, it seems like pretty soon he'll see you as more of an object as a person, which isn't right (unless it's an S+M type relationship, which I'm guessing it isn't). You shouldn't feel obligated to have sex with him, and he shouldn't feel entitled to sex with you either, especially if he doesn't except you for who you are.
The first thing you need to do before you figure out anything else is get out of that relationship. Do you have any friends you can stay with? I know you said you can't live on your own, but if you have a way of getting an income you could find a new roommate somewhere else. You said that you got fired from your jobs due to mental illness, which I'm sorry to say I can't really give advice for, though I hope you could find a way to work things out. However, since you have a mental illness, do you have a therapist that you could also talk through this issue with? There are also places like free clinics that could help you, and some shelters that provide housing to people who can't afford it if things turn for the worse.
Your other only option is to find a way to fix your relationship with this guy. Not in the sense that you get back together and get married per se, but so that he understands that he can't take advantage of you. Does he know that you aren't just a masculine girl, but identify as male? You said that he didn't like to be near you when you crossdressed for your anime cosplays at conventions, maybe this could put him off as well?
If you have other questions or need more advice, I'd be happy to talk to you more, but hopefully something from here can help you out. I really wish you a lot of luck, and I admire you for figuring out who you are when people are scared of admitting their gender issues to themselves.

[brokenandalone1234]

I may be able to help a little here. I had a roommate last year who is a male but he feels more like a female. He just started telling people last year that he wanted reassigment surgery. He even created a facebook page of his inner self. It is a female account. I say if he is not supporting you than leave find somewhere to go. You shouldn't have to deal with someone who won't support you. Do what is best for Jin and no one else. You can't please everyone so don't try. It took me some time to realize that. If you try to live up to what he wants you to be you are going to be unhappy for ever. I dated a girl a long time ago who felt she was born in the wrong body. I am female too by the way. She would go down on me but would never let me go down on her because she was unhappy with the parts she had down below. I never forced her into anything she wasn't comfortable with. I tried when we first got together but when she explained to me why she wouldn't let me I understood. If you feel this way than explain it to him. He will either understand it or leave. If he leaves than that is the best thing that could happen to you. You should never have to hide it from anyone. Best of luck
Kayla