Sexually Confused and "Messed Up"

~My Family~
- Jane, Mother (49)
- Andrew, Brother (24)
- Marie, Sister (23)
-Me, Youngest child (18)
*Father Divorced since I was 2
~Bob's Family~
-Bob, Dad (48)
-John, Oldest Son (26)
-Rick, Youngest Son (20)
*Wife divorced

About 5 years ago, my mother met Bob. I was 13 at the time. This was the first relationship they had been in since they had gotten divorced from their previous spouses. They were, and still ARE, very much in love. A few months after they started dating, Bob introduced us to his children, John (then 21) and Rick (then 15).
I was pretty innocent, and hadn't even started going through puberty yet. Rick, however, was in the throes of puberty, and horny as hell. It took all of three days for him to start hitting on me. I, being a geeky little pre-teen who didn't get much attention from boys because of my appearance, got swept up very quickly in his advances. It took him about another week to ask me to perform oral on him, and I blindly agreed. Then, very soon after that, he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I knew what sex was mechanically, but I had no idea what it actually entailed or what the consequences of it were. Our relationship was purely physical, and we kept it very well hidden. The following spring, right after I turned 14 (about four months from my "first time"), my Mom and Bob moved into a three bedroom trailer together. Rick had been rapidly exposing me to more and more sexual things, including pornography, and we were having sex whenever we could. When we moved in together, Rick's room was right next to mine, and the sexual contact increased to about twice a week. As the "newness" of it all started to fade away for me, I kept trying to end our relationship; but every single time I would say "We need to stop doing this", "You already have a regular girlfriend", and "NO, I don't want to!", he would either ignore me or counter with a stupid excuse. His favorites included "Oh, come on! Just one last time!" or "But I broke up with that girl now, so....", and then he would just continue on with his "task", even if I continued to object. (I will take responsibility and admit that I wasn't firm enough with him when I turned him down, and that after a few months of that kind of stuff, my willpower dwindled and I would try to fend him off half-heartedly before just caving because I knew he wouldn't leave me alone until he got off- or worse yet, he'd get all mad and just do it anyway.)
So, just like that, three years went by. My mental health was declining the whole time, and I would just feel worse about myself each time he did THOSE kinds of things. The sickest part was that, though our parents were just usually a few rooms away, he would do it anyway. I know we almost got caught a bunch of times, and one time he even made me perform oral sex on him, and in the progress he thrust in my mouth so hard that I vomited on the floor. All of this (in combination with my other past traumas and personal issues), especially knowing that I was "the Mistress" because he regularly dated other girls the whole time, weighed down on me so hard. And still no one had a clue, even though I tried to ask for help a few times. I even went to my school guidance counselor in tears once, because not only was he doing those kinds of things with me, but he also sat by and let others harass me/make fun of me. And when I tried to explain what the hell was wrong, she cut me off before I even told her about the sexual stuff, and said (I make a direct quote here, too): "SO WHAT??? Do you just want to sit around all day throwing a pity party for yourself???" Needless to say, I never sought her help again- EVER.
So, when I started my junior year, I really started to lose it. I began cutting myself more frequently and more severely (I had been doing some light, discreet cutting since I was 15), and by the end of that September, I finally voiced to my mom that I was suicidal (which, again, I had been thinking about for years, but never talked about it). It was when I was at the hospital (for the first time) that I told a counselor there about what had been going on. I was very vague at first, but when she told me that I should just "stop seeing the boy", I broke down and told her who it was, and what he was doing. I didn't know that she would have to report it to the state until she told me the next day that some social workers and cops were coming to question me about it because it was a hazard to my health.
So they came and talked to me, and I was so nervous that I left out a lot of details. Then they asked me if it was consensual, and I really didn't know what to do, so I just said it was. (Not entirely a lie; there were a few times that I agreed and even invited him to do things) To this day, very few people actually know what the manner of our relationship was.

Now let's shoot ahead. It's been over two years since the last time we had sex with each other. I have been hospitalized a total of nine time for psychiatric reasons, and haven't been in any kind of relationship since then. Part of me is glad to be out of a situation where I could get pregnant (ALL of the sex we had was unprotected); But still, part of me regrets saying anything. I miss that connection; but even more than that, when I look back on all of the times he made me do things that I didn't really want to do...... well, quite frankly, I am turned on. Now, the thought of being forced into something like that is highly erotic, and I have started fantasizing about it a LOT. I feel so messed up by it all; I mean, I have dirty dreams all the time now, I am not turned on by normal sex fantasies anymore (i.e.- Orlando Bloom naked, stuff like that- it doesn't do a thing for me anymore); the fantasies are graphic, dirty, forced, painful, and often includes odd fetishes (like bondage). I have found myself taking a very masochistic and submissive role in the fantasies, and this makes it all the harder for me to even TRY and date someone, because I'm afraid they'll be scared off by my perversions and preoccupation with sex. I still, to this very day, often think back about how "stupid" I was to say anything about us, how I could have done things to please him better, how I could have made it kinkier- all of it messes with my head so much!
And what's worse yet is that, even though he was forced to move out (which I blame myself for), we still have occasional contact with each other- and he acts like nothing happened. Like we were just good friends the whole time. He even talks about his girlfriend (whom I personally know), and how they are doing good, and moving in together, and now shes preggers with twins or some ******** (even though I doubt it is his, because she is kind of the town skank), and it just kills me to know I want him in that way and he wants nothing but friendship from me. I don't know what to do anymore with myself; I can't just avoid being in a relationship forever, but I just can't let him go. I am SO confused.... any advice for a broken soul?

I am so sorry all of this happened too you. When a child is forced to have sex at 12 there are all sorts of repercussions that takes an awfully long time to resolve. I was raped by a 21 year old when I was 14. I was so screwed up after that, off and on promiscuous, pregnant at 17, married to the guy who "knocked me up" at 20 and divorced 4 years later.

It is little wonder that you feel the way you do. I am glad you received some counseling in the past. It would be good if you could continue again. Ther are so many issues and feelings that arise

The important thing to remember that none of this is your fault. At 12 you were a child and totally vulnerable. Obviously the adults in your home were oblivious to what was going on under their noses. Protecting everyone in their home was their responsibility

You may feel guilty about reporting the sex abuse to the hospital therapist, but you should not, ever think yourself at fault. I hope that now you can forgive yourself. You were not the perpetrator but the victim. Give yourself permission to heal and good luck on your journey.

Hi Rose. I hope I can offer some help and insight.

Firstly, you have to understand that this isn't your fault Rose. You were a little girl, and from the sound of your post, you had very little knowledge of sexuality aside from the "mechanics." Rick took advantage of that lack of knowledge and your age. You were used Rose. That isn't your fault.

By him exposing you to sex like this, you are going to "normalize" your exposure to it. If you felt like he was having you do something against your will, that becomes "the norm" to you. Essentially, he ruined what a healthy perception of sex should be to you, and thus you seek relationships mimicking what you know, because that's the "norm," and it's familiar. That isn't on you Rose...it's not some defect or malfunction or anything like that. It's human nature. I will say that this is my conjecture on the matter, but I've observed that pattern of behavior more than a few times in my time here.

On the bright side Rose, this doesn't have to be something that haunts you forever, nor does it mean that the view Rick gave you needs to stick with you. I would highly recommend that you try everything in your power to talk to a therapist about what you've been through and how it is affecting you now. They can help you deal with the memories and emotions that're causing your behavior and feelings now. And please, don't let that one counselor jade you on them all...she was incredibly unprofessional, rude, ignorant...I can go on.

You aren't a broken soul Rose. You're a young lady (well...I say young. You're my age ) who has been through something that you shouldn't have had to go through, and that has its affects. I think you're blessed beyond belief to have been through all that risk and not had a pregnancy to deal with on top of everything else. And I think that ultimately, you'll be just fine. That may take time, and I won't lie to you and say it'll be easy, but it can be done.

Stay strong Rose. You are in my prayers.

Hugs,
Harley

I just want to thank you guys so much for your support. But one thing that always still confuses me is this: Was it rape and/or abuse??? I mean, he was only 1 year and 3 months older than me, and the first time we did it, I agreed. I only wonder, because my mom is very adamant that he was abusive, and an evil guy, etc.
Now every time she sees him, she treats him like a leper! If he needs a place to crash, she makes him sleep outside in the van. It's just.... it's hard for me to call it rape or abuse in good conscience, because there WERE some instances when I consented. I don't like to consider myself a victim, and I know I've heard it from others before that I WAS a victim...... but still.
I also feel more confused than ever lately. It's been two years since the last time I've had any physical contact with him, but I still can't let it go, and that bothers me. It wasn't like there was any loving feelings exchanged. In some instances, it was just downright weird; there were times that he got all riled up after we'd finished doing it, and he'd accidentally knock me out of bed, or wrestle me down and just hold me down. I still don't understand what those things meant. I mean, our relationship started in the beginning of winter, and the first time we did it was outside in the backyard, with me laying bare-bottomed in the snow like an animal
There were other times we'd get done and I would try to get up to go to the bathroom, but he would reach out and grab me by my hair and pull me back into bed. Those kinds of things, I just can't understand
Now, I am currently in an in-home therapy program, and because I am doing worse lately, I am trying to enroll in a day-treatment program..... and when they ask me the nature of our relationship, what do I tell them?

It sounds abusive from what you describe Rose...no one who feels anything for you is going to grab your hair like that or hold you against your will. That's abuse.

There may have been a few consensual times, but you've got to understand that you were exposed to this at a very young age, and he, based on what you've said, led you into it. You were also at the point in your life where sexual things begin to become interesting. I think you were lead into something you didn't fully understand, and once there, you were in over your head. I think he preyed on your age, your inexperience, and once he had reeled you in, he exploited that. Even if you agreed, it wasn't under level, rational circumstances...it's like a confession given under duress is not admissible in court. It is the same concept.

Please don't think of yourself as an animal Rose...that isn't you. He manipulated you. That happens to the best of us, myself very certainly included.

You're in my prayers Rose. I wish you my best, and I hope therapy will help you put this in the past.

Hugs,
Harley

Thanks Harley I appreciate it

No problem Rose.

Hi, Rose. First off, I would like to tell you it's not your fault AT ALL and I'm sorry you've been through that. You were so young, a child's innocence should never be taken like that. You know, I went through something similar, and I've been larning to cope with it for 7 years, the hardest of my life. You can message me at anytime if you want to talk. I hope therapy goes well. Hugs!

It was certainly an abuse/sexual abuse, very severe crime, I don't know if you you want to take any action against him but I think you should.

Your unaware ignorant/irresponsible parents are also to be blamed for letting this happen to you for such a long time. Even if you had your consent, it was non-concensual because you didn't have proper knowledge of things he did and you let and it seems you still don't understand. If I do any such thing to any immature relative of mine who has trust in me or is just unable to protest for not knowing about the things I'm doing, it's wrong and a great sin, people often fail to describe and take any action due to lack of knowledge.

Maybe you got something like Stockholme Syndrome that you have feelings for abuser. His feelings are for himself not for you , a few lovely things they(abuser) say/do to their victim is to pretend to themselves that they aren't doing anything wrong and that all happened with your consent (wrongdoers never want to admit they did anything wrong). You don't love him, you're just confused because you don't know the truth........ he never loved you either all the things he did was for his own sexual gratification because he saw/sees you(and other girls as well ) as a sex object only and not because he cares of you but won't admit and might stay the same cause he is addicted, he certainly has no understanding of being a friend or family.

Forget him and keep him away for now and rest of the things that's causing to mess up your life. Take care of yourself, when you are stable you would know what happened, what to do. You can try meditation/Yoga, it helps keeping calm and think straight. Good Luck.