sex, ethnicity, and rigidity

No, I do not want to become bi-curious - not yet . My problem is as follows: I am white and I have very rigid racial preferences when it comes to sexual attraction. Very rigid. I do not react to men of Asian and Indian origin at all, sexually. I just do not. It is as if there were not sexual beings. In my whole long life I once, briefly, for a fleeting moment, have had some curiousity about a Chinese guy; same thing, only once and very fleeting, about an Indian male friend.

Such men constitute a very significant minority in Silicon Valley where I live and work, and it behooves me to stop being so rigid and widen my horizons. Eventually I would want to do online dating locally and being racially rigid is going to drastically reduce my range of options.

I do at times find Indian women or Chinese women or Korean women beautiful. But men - no way. They are sexless to me. Horrible, I know.

Should I try to fight it, to change it, or just resign to the fact? Are those things even in our control? Have you had a similar problem?

We all like what we like. Some of us like the beach while others the mountains. Some of us like spaghetti while others like steak. Our sexual preferences are the same. My brother in law says don't knock it until you try it. My Husband on the other hand says I don't have to try it to know I don't like it. So it's all in what you like. We are not talking about friends or anything. It's easy to be friends w/ folks who are of different ethnic backgrounds. But I understand where you are coming from friends and life long mates of bed buddies are different entirely. We each have our own preferences. But maybe giving someone of a different ethnic background could prove you wrong and you would have eliminated an entire group of people because of preconceived notions.

To answer your q I don't know how to answer that. I hope the above provides some answers not more questions.

No, as friends I am totally fine, I am not a racist at all. I respect and see humanity in everyone, have always been like that. It is just as bed buddies.

If I lived in Mid-West, I would not be concerned. I am concerned because I live in an area with a very high concentration of people whom I do not regard as sexual beings, and it bothers me. It's just statistics at play.

When it comes to sexual attraction, a lot of people seem to know what they want. You seem to be one of them. Should you be open to others who do not fit your desired mold. Maybe. Would you be happy in a relationship that did not satisfy your lifelong desire to sleep with someone like yourself? It seems to me that a lot of people - myself included - are looking to meet and have relationships with people who are similar to themselves. It's not narsicism. Rather, it's a desire for commonality, to have a relationship with someone who feels familiar.

I am in the same position. I am white and am hit on by more asian and african-american men. (In fact, white guys do not seem to be attracted to me in the least.) Latino men do not find me attractive which is a shame because i would marry one in a minute.

the asian guys are often nice and find my hairy body to be exotic and a turn on. but, i am seeking more than sexual attraction. often, i have found their company lacking converation wise. i do find a lot of asian men to be attractive but not the ones who have hit on me. i have had some african-american friends and do find a lot to be physically attractive. however, our values tend to be very different and that is a big warning sign relationship wise.

Finding true love is a time-related thing. If time is running out then it's time to settle for someone with their imperfections (as well as ours). The important thing is that they (and you) are willing to compromise.

If sexual attraction is all about releasing and receiving pheromones (iirc) then maybe it is that phermones released vary depending on your genetics and your particular receptors just don't process the pheromones created by certain ethnicities? I don't know... Everyone who experiences sexual attraction has that attraction to different kinds of people... some people they respond to and others they don't... that's what makes the experience varied... so perhaps there is some biological basis in that rather than purely mental. I don't know, I'm just theorising.

Sexual attraction is a very personal thing. I do not think you should apologize for your preferences in men. After all if you get into a permanent relationship with the person you will hopefully spend the rest of your life with him. I do not think cross cultural relationships are either good or bad, but they do present special challenges that you have to overcome. I wish you well and hope that you will soon meet the man of your dreams

I don't think you have anything to worry about Hamster. I personally am not attracted to African-American women, but I have close friends who're black women. They're good friends. I just don't see them in that light.

Everyone has their preferences. Nothing to be bothered by.

Not bi-curious yet? Maybe you are since you thought enough to write it....let me know. Everybody loves a cute hampster. BUT....attraction is attraction and it applies to all sexes and races. The people in your area may feel at a disadvantage because of what they have to choose from too. I don't think it says anything negative at all about you. Dating is tough. I have done online dating before and it was fun but I think you have to be very careful in how you disclose information and how you go about publicly meeting them. I usually date the same "type" people. One time (ok, 2 times) I stepped out of the box and dated someone of Hispanic origin, and it rocked my world....big time.

Thank you everyone! So basically in the end I will be OK, right?

A breakthrough!!!

I just came back to work from my T, by bike. I know I look good after biking outside - my cheeks sure do not need a blush. An indian guy stopped me in the hallway and asked whether I had been riding near the Bay (the SF Bay). I said that no, I had been commuting and I do not know the routes by the Bay. He was very very skinny, tall and with a mouthful of pearls. His smile was simply arresting. He was so warm and glowing. I can still see his smile.

Later on I recalled my former p-doc, an Indian lady, who was simply fantastic, amazing, outstanding, and played an important positive role in my life in those few months that she treated me. She had the same mouthful of pearls and looking at her smile was healing in and of itself.

I do not think I have ever seen any white guy with such great, and clearly natural, teeth. They were to die for!

I then went down the memory lane and recalled a couple more Indian guys with great sparkling teeth. I just did not pay attention before.

So there is something physical that I clearly like about Indian men. Hooray!

But it was more than just the objective quality of the teeth - it was the warmth of his smile and the sparkle in his dark brown eyes. Simply delicious!

I know he liked me, and I very much like being liked by men - I have been like this for almost as long as I remember - so, sure, part of the reason I warmed up to him was his paying attention to me. But still!

And I quickly ran a fantasy in my head - kissing and vaginal sex, just for a few split seconds - and the fantasy seemed completely natural and normal to me. At last!

If I ever see him again, I will ask him to take me bike riding near the Bay.

Just resign to the fact. Should you try to eat rotten fish everyday just because it would open up your options for lunch? I wouldn't be with certain races as well, by preference. Everyone has a right to be who they are. My hubby is Latin and I really prefer it that way, I have never really been a white boy kind of girl. Why change?

Always hated the term "white boy". Just sayin...

Lol, sorry

That is not a valid analogy, because rotten fish is bad and a different race is just that, different. It is not bad. A better analogy would be Lychees - this summer I acquired a taste for this Thai/Vietnamese fruit. I normally do not eat South Asian food but I did like lychees. So it is possible.

I am having lunch with an East Indian colleague tomorrow!!!

I am happy beyond belief.

I have worked very hard (in my mind) towards expanding my range of acceptance: viewing many more people as viable sexual partners.

I think I may not go beyond East India and into Vietnam/China/Japan etc. because those cultures are much more foreign to me (after all, as my current partner pointed out, the group of languages is called Indo-European for a reason), and it is too hard to me to see men from those countries as sexually attractive, but at least I am fine with the prospect of dating an East Indian man.

And, I have kept running into him for months. He has the most amazing smile. I mean... warmth itself. And a warm, bright twinkle dances in his brown eyes. He is tall and very skinny and slightly stooped (as is often the case with tall, skinny guys). His face is very skinny, too: narrow and bony. Just altogether skinny, in everything.

So he would always smile when bumping into me on the stairs and in hallways, until a few days ago I actually stopped to learn his name. So he told me his name, and of course I did not get it - to me it was just a random string of sounds that made no sense. So I lowered my head and started reading his badge. Well, a very long string of characters for the first name and a very long string of characters for the last name. I tried to commit the last name to memory. I then realized that I might have been crossing personal boundaries reading the badge so close to his body (crotch, to be precise), so I stopped. I forgot to look him up on the intranet when I got to my desk, and by the time I remembered, I had no recollection of his last name whatsoever. The company is big - so, I thought, no luck, but oh well.

And, today he stops me downstairs and calls me by my name (which at least is very simple and common and not a string of random characters, but still - how does he know?). And, he asks if I still commute by bike. I stopped commuting by bike in Dec. He remembers. And, says that he sent me an IM invite. So he knows both first and last name. Interesting... interesting...

Then we have been IM'ing, and he wanted me to tell him if he was using too much of my time, and I said no you are not, not at all, etc. etc. general pleasantries, a lunch tomorrow, and, the biggest thing: he is moving to another team, in another building (it is a big campus) tomorrow. So he approached me on his last day in my building.

And, his IM's are in British English ("programme", "theatre", etc. - this is how I learned English, but I dropped spelling this way years ago) so I wondered why, and - he is just basically fresh from India - only one year into living in the States. So not even an assimilated East Indian guy, but a recent import.

I will try to be extra nice. I mean, I like him a lot, so I should be able to be extra nice without trying...

actually I do not like lychees anymore - their season is in summer, so I bought them, but no, do not like them this time around...

well, this is a no go - he is married with two young children. A lovely guy who seems so enthusiastic and could not stop talking about how glad he was that we'd finally connect after close to a year. But I am not getting into any messy Indo-European melodramas on American land.

That is OK - at least I have crossed that hurdle in my mind. And, locked eyes with another Indian man at work (this one I saw for the first time and probably will never see again, but it does not matter - what matters is that I have removed that block of "ethnic discrimination" from my mind).

To somebody who said that this is a preference to not consider people of certain races sexually - I do not see it as a preference. It can be a preference if somebody CAN think of people of some races sexually but PREFERS not to. In my case, I could not even consider. I did not reach that point where one can talk about "preferences".

I wouldn't stress it Bamster. You'll have certain people that you're naturally attracted to physically and then there will be other people that the attraction will come with interaction. It's not a conscious preference.

In my case, I'm a butt man. It's not that I make a conscious decision not to be attracted to girls with small booties, just something that I find attractive.

Are you instantly attracted to every single Caucasian guy you meet? (Hehe, doubtful.) So why would skin tone be any different? And as you found, there are people of other ethnicities you'll find attractive at times, so don't put pressure on yourself. It's too easy to start beating yourself up over something like this.

It is not that I am instantly attracted to every single Caucasian guy - it is that before this little breakthrough with East Indians, I never ever found myself attracted to a non-Caucasian guy. Never ever. So, there is a pattern - it is not random.

I must say that East Asian guys never get attracted to me either, so it is a two way street . Never ever has any East Asian guy paid any attention to me "in that way". Middle Eastern, Turkish, Iranian, Greek, Syrian, etc. men do notice me all the time, and East Asian men just never notice me. It's been either or, with no exceptions.

I do not know what it means - what the connotations are.