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Account Suspended
Member Since Sep 2011
Location: Northern California
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#1
I had sex and plan to have more sex with a guy who is not exclusive with me. He is my midwife's ex-husband and still her best friend. He has sort of a family in Asia - a woman and two sons - whom he visits every month for a month, and supports. The other month, he lives here in the Bay Area with his oldest daughter with the midwife, and parents his son with the midwife (the son lives with the midwife) as well as, part-time, the midwife's youngest child with another man. An interesting arrangement, for sure. He told me of another relationship in the past that ran in parallel with the relationship with the woman in Asia. There might be some other concurrent relationships that I am yet to learn about. I am cool with all that, but I do not know what to do about oral sex. Without oral sex, it was kind of incomplete. I do know that unprotected oral sex is relatively safe - better than vaginal sex and far better than **** sex. Well, **** sex I do not do and vaginal sex is taken care of by using condoms... what about oral? If I understand correctly, the guy's other women are educated professionals in their 40s, so it is not that he lives in wild brothels, but still - he has multiple partners... I have never used dental dams and the film that is placed on the vulva for cunnilingus. I think I would feel awkward using them. At the same time, the guy is a friend I have known for 12 years, I am relaxed with him... if I feel awkward with him, I will feel even more awkward with some completely new guy. That makes me feel that I should venture ahead now. Please tell me your experiences with these products. I will also ask my GP about them; I bet she will have some good ideas. He is a very nice guy, by the way.
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Magnate
Member Since Jun 2012
Location: Virginia
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#2
hey. I am a huge fan of oral sex. But anyway, dental dams are an interesting change. They add a different feel. As far a saftey goes I really don't know. I wouldn't want to use a dental dam all the time. That would be no fun now would it. I can't really be of much help here. I am glad things are working for you. It sounds like a complicated situation but if it works for all parties involved great. I'm glad he's a nice guy.
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2012
Location: North Carolina, USA
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#3
Hey Hamster. Hope I can help.
Oral sex as far as STD's go carries roughly the same risk as vaginal, more or less. If you have an open sore, that can serve as a point of transmission. And of course there's herpes, but to be rather blunt, I think you'd have noticed by now, no? While that can be transferred even without an outbreak present, you sound based on the post that you've been with him long enough that I wouldn't be overly concerned, tbqh. I don't discourage you from asking a doctor though. Dental dams I know very little about...I know what they are and how they're used, but not effectiveness. Honestly, they seem a little...awkward. But I know that they make condoms that're specifically designed for oral sex (and are even flavored ). As far as you go, while they may be a bit of a turn off, if you're concerned, use the dam, and do speak to your doctor. If he's willing, why not get tested? If you can know for sure he's clean, you needn't worry, I wouldn't think. And, while I know you said it's not something you're into, if you ever make the leap to it, a condom is an ABSOLUTE MUST for ****. He runs the risk of severe infection to...well, himself, if you take my meaning...if anything gets in there, so to speak. I won't really go into the details there...just a friendly heads up. Anyway, have fun, and be safe. My best, Harley __________________ The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
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carrie_ann, lynn P.
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#4
Thank you guys! No, **** (I am surprised this site turns this word into asterisks as if it were an f-word) is not something I would be interested in, I think. Just had more sex with him and it was fine without oral but in the longer run I think vaginal-only would be insufficient. What is the safety on unprotected cunnilingus? I am disease-free and want to stay this way. Yes, he is a very nice guy; he was able to guess that my father committed CSA from the fact that I am not in contact with him and a couple other little observations. I was impressed. He is caring and does not put me down.
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Magnate
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#5
Thats great that he's nice. We all deserve some one nice. He's nice and smart. It says alot that he is attentive enough to pick up on the CSA. It's great when you don't have to explain that like you have the plague or something.
I still don't know about the safety of cunnilingus. I can't believe that word is in the spell checker but no sausage gravey and biscuits. GRAVEY. |
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hamster-bamster
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#6
I cannot bring up the subject of oral sex orally, no pun intended, but I can write him a short email saying that I am enjoying sex with him and would like to add oral and for that would like to see his bloodwork. STD tests are through bloodwork, right? Does it sound like a reasonable plan?
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Flooded
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#7
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I do recall reading that cunnilingus is pretty safe unprotected, but I am a polite person who would not ask for cunnilingus without intending to reciprocate. So we need to have a solution for both ways, and the best is probably through testing. |
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Magnate
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Location: Virginia
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#8
That is sweet that he brought you water. I have read some where that is oral is pretty safe to. My H does and I love it. I do not return the favor (seldom not never) I have SA issues and he knows that. It's weird to recieve and not give but he seems to like to give. So great. Give all you'd like I accept.
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#9
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Elder Harridan x-hankster
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#10
from what i've been reading, hetero oral sex is more unsafe for the male giver. somebody else posted about it on PC, I was amazed. I posted in the thread also (that's how amazed I was!). i'm glad I had my fun when I was younger, altho my tune would definitely change if I got any offers
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#11
So the package from drugstore.com with the dental dams has arrived but I have not even bothered opening it. I do not feel anything - I have zero drive, zero lubrication, and I have managed to forget what an orgasm feels like. I am completely completely asexual at present, probably from being too stressed out. So a protected cunnilingus presently would be like a cruel joke. My ladyparts are as good as dead, presently. They are entirely numb and nothing can breathe life into them. That said, the guy has been very emotionally supportive every day so I feel grateful and want to be nice to him so I will try a protected fellatio tonight, sans reciprocation. I know he will feel awkward because he does not like the fact that I stopped coming, but it is the best I can do.
In a way, it was easier when I did not have orgasms due to Geodon - at least there was hope that off Geodon I would start coming again. Now? Why is it? Too much biking? Wrong blood pressure? Insane amount of stress coming from hostile children and ex husband? New med - Topamax, even though the dose is low? I do not know what is causing it but I sure feel completely hopeless. At least it was possible to reduce the dose of Geodon - I cannot reduce the dose of stress in my life!!! I am not a Zen Buddhist! |
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Grand Poohbah
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#12
I think it's wrong to receive and not give. Seems a double standrd, and honestly rude. I'm in no position where this is a worry, but I would hope my one day s/o when we take that plunge would understand that would be selfish of me if I were to want but not give.
I think you're safe. Herpes is the only thing I can think of (aside from "the big one" so to speak... ), but I already mentioned that you're probably in the clear for the former. The latter you should be just fine. I'm not worried at all there, but I think asking for a test is fine, and well within your right. It is done via bloodwoek, and results take a bit to come back, but it is definitive. My best to you both. __________________ The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte |
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hamster-bamster
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Magnate
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#13
Harley I receive and do not give. Before I met my H I was raped by an older boyfriend for a 9 mo time frame. This is something that was forced upon me. So I simply do not give. On occasion I have but I greatly prefer not to give. I told my H about this before we got married and he gets that I do not want to do that. But he still seems to want to give. I seldom say "No Thanks". He just know's there is a reason why I don't want to. There are enough other things we can share.
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Grand Poohbah
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#14
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I was speaking strictly in scenarios unlike yours, namely the case of Hamster's ex...that is certainly very much an extenuating circumstance, and I think anyone would be selfish to expect you TO give if it made you uncomfortable. Indeed, discomfort with any sexual act should make it an instant no-go, with that being essentially the end of the story. I did an awful job of conveying that, and I feel awful for it. Please accept my sincerest apologies...I certainly didn't mean to imply you were selfish or anything at all of that nature. __________________ The world suffers alot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.- Napoleon Bonaparte Last edited by Harley47; Nov 13, 2012 at 01:21 AM.. |
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hamster-bamster
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#15
I wanted to ask - are his other partners and the mother of his kids back in Asia, fine with him having sex with you? Regarding oral sex and STD's - HPV is a common virus and is responsible for a great majority of oral cancers - meaning the mouth and esophagus. If he's been around, he really should be tested. Most likely a great majority of adults have HPV.
__________________ This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
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#16
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Last edited by hamster-bamster; Nov 12, 2012 at 09:33 PM.. |
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Account Suspended
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#17
Wrote to GP.
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#18
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I recalled your question during my ride back home from work and was amused. I imagined getting a list of his women and going to each one of them to receive a notarized signature permitting me to have sex with him. And you know what? By the time I was done collecting the signatures, I no longer wanted to have sex with the poor guy! Smiles. |
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#19
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__________________ This is our little cutie Bella *Practice on-line safety. *Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts. *Make your mess, your message. *"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi) |
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#20
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I have infinite respect for the guy and the midwife for the way they live their lives. It is unusual that he parents her child who is not his biologically. It is unusual that he still thinks that she is the main character in his life story and that she is the smartest woman he has known. I do not talk to both ex husbands. So whatever lifestyle they have chosen, it clearly has some benefits. |
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