Is sex a basic need ?

WOW Hamster ! Thank you, you wrote so much, and talk a lot of sense. I will endevour to answer your points as best I can.

I am so glad he cancelled the escort, we talked about it again tonight. I asked if he had gone thru with it, would he have told me. He said he would, but as it was not what he wanted in the end, there's nothing more to say. I want to forget about it. Yes, I suppose him not finding someone else in a year is great, and I should be grateful. I'm frightened if he meets someone he wouldn't then be faithful if sex was offered. He is a very horny guy !
We had an amazing sex life and even now have phone sex and he gets me hot !
One thing you misunderstood, I do have a sex drive, and am orgasmic, in fact at times I'm so horny and masturbate frequently. The reason I stated reunion sex wouldn't be on offer is because I don't want him to see me for sex. I don't want to be his ***** buddy , I wanted commitment , he could never give. We have a strange relationship I have to admit, I know of no other like it.
I always felt insecure, we aren't like a normal couple. He doesn't call me his gf even. Why ?

I know when I see him we won't be able to keep our hands off each other, so me saying 'no sex' is a bit unrealistic I guess. I don't want to feel used that's all
As for the BJ , that's no problem, I love all aspects of sex, love to please him. I actually love sex believe it or not. It's just this dep. has robbed me of the motivation to even get dressed, let alone see my man.
And yes orgasms create a warm feeling of well being and satisfaction and I have no trouble having them (as currently not on meds, but should be I know) often having 2 or 3 orgasms. BTW swallow ? No thanks !

This is so long will continue, as new post .

Hamster, The weight issue is depressing in itself. All my clothes are size 8, none now fit me !
I can't afford a whole new wardrobe. I don't want one either, but I've gained weight purely by inactivity, I eat once a day (not home cooked or healthy though I admit) usually readymeal or takeaway maybe twice a week. My self confidence is gone, my hair needs colouring badly, and I generally feel a wreck.
Being LITERALLY in bed all year, no wonder !
How do I break this ? Get help ? It's all too much, It seems a HUGE mountain, way too huge.

You mention cuddling, touch, yes I miss human contact and those things. Can't believe I've not seen or spoken to anyone except my son in a year. That's scary !

So Hamster is your advice to embrace this sexual need, both mine and my man's.
He certainly is hugely sexually frustrated !

Can I P.M. you ?
Thank you and EVERYONE who replied to my question.

I would value any advice you have.

Thank you again.

OK. First, he obviously has some kind of "feelings" for you other then sexual ones. Or he would have no problem with going to find other sexual relations. He seems like a good guy. I understand the way you feel in a way. But I have an unhealthy need for sex. So in my opinion of course I'd say its a human "need". But i abuse this need...I do it for the feeling of being wanted and desired. I used it as control and a source of power. I hope your depression gets better. I hate feeling depressed. But I also will say. Its not going to magically go away and not seeing him isn't going to help. And not to sound mean, but I dont think you have any right being hurt over him thinking of seeing an escort. And no. I dont believe guys need sex more then women. Guys are just more out there about it then women are. At least thats my opinion. Nothing is wrong with reunion sex as long as there is no others outside of you two that could get hurt. Reunion sex could help a lot of questions. And it cant really make anything worse. It can help you figure things out. Having a FWB myself....I have to say im pro-FWB. I know sex is different when youre in love and it is true amazing. And I used to think I couldn't enjoy sex without some kind of emotional engagement. But first time I was with my FWB after my break up with my ex who abused me for 2 years I actually loved that there was no emotions or confusion...it was just good sex. And there were little insecurities...of course there were some just because of who I am. But not as much as when I really care for someone. Of course everyone in a while I have that moment that I want my fwb to "love" me...but it dies down and i realize it would jusot ruin things.

There is a balance need in a r/s. Totally true, that one partner cannot solely the taker while the other the giver.

Not trying to stir the pot here anymore than it appears to be churning, but unless I misinterpreted here, correct me if so, I really think Hamster is just trying to point out that refraining from sex from her partner and expecting him to be completely faithful IS more give than take.

I am currently in a relationship where sex is being withheld for a long time, as far as Maslow's concerned, only meets the first two needs. Our intimacy has been shattered and us obtaining a higher lever of happiness is impossible.

That being said, it most certainly is not entirely LadyZero's 'fault'. There really isn't fault here, just can't think of a better substitute word. Anyway, Counseling would most certainly be recommended for healing in this r/s. If he considered an affair, chose not to, then quickly admitted it without being confronted...I don't mean to be rude but I think he is trying to hold up his end of the bargain, but there could be a lot of underlying issues idk about.

Trying to untangle the ruffle here, not exacerbate it, I promise. It makes me anxious to see conflict and tension build on these threads. It's very okay to have different opinions, that's why we ask questions here, to get exactly that. But posts on PC really shouldn't be directed at attacking those views different than yours, but rather just simply sharing your own views.

Maybe this is why ppl are so hesitant to respond these days....???

Just as tiny add-on info that might be useful. I SO wanted him to say it was because of ME and his feelings for ME that made him cancel his escort, but in all our talking about it, he never did. Just that it wasn't what he wanted, and is not what he is about. I wanted us to be a reason for him to have not gone ahead, but at no point was this mentioned. Since his 'confession' I've quizzed him over and over, as to why , and when he decided to book it, when he cancelled, even if he saw a picture of her on the website, what she looks like, for some strange reason I want to know what was going thru his mind. Apart from how horny he was ! Why if he booked it at 10am and cancelled it at 6pm, why for 8 hours was he o.k. With the
idea ?

We've talked it thru now and there's no point going over it.

He didn't go thru with it, and told me all about it, even that he booked someone who looked like me !

Occasionally he'll say ' I love you '
to me on the phone, never face to face.
This was one time I really needed to hear those words.

I think he does love me, in a compartmental way.

That's a whole different story !

Swallowing gives women a sense of accomplishment?? Nope. Not this woman. All that would succeed in accomplishing is me vomiting. Might kill the mood a bit...

I second that emotion.

....and I third.

I do not understand the word in bold.

H.B. Do you mean compartmental ? Ha ha, not even sure it is a word ! What I mean is, his life is in separate compartments. Job, (grown up) kids, family, flat. Me.

Everything is separate, especially me, like I'm kept in a toybox, and taken out periodically to be played with then put away again til next time. Does that make sense ? X

Please read my other post under relationships headed 'what should I do ?'

Will greatly appreciate all your views and advice.

Thank you.

Will say same thing here - you need 1) another man 2) effective treatment for depression.

For depression, I lucked out - the first AD helped me instantly - but it is rare, usually it takes a while to find the right medication. But you can start cardio exercise which should start helping soon - it helps most people. Do one hour a day on most days. You also said that your depression has been unmedicated - has it been by choice or through failure to find effective drugs? If by choice, then it is all the more important to exercise.

I wish H.B. I can't motivate myself from bed.

Then it is a vicious circle, because natural antidepressants - sunlight, fresh air, cardio - are not in bed. You have to crawl out of bed to find help. So again unmedicated depression why?

Just as I said. I'm pathetic, I know. I took to my bed and there I stayed. And so it goes on.

Winter in London is not particularly conducive to being an AD tool, but just in general, sunlight helps some people. It does not help me, but it helps some people. Just getting outside the house is a good idea. For bipolar, there is a therapy called "social rhythm therapy" that helps (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpe...rhythm_therapy). Having lunch dates (I understand that your house is not picked up so you cannot have people OVER for lunch, but you can meet somewhere at a restaurant or cafe) helps. I am not saying that it is absolutely mandatory - depressions do self-resolve with time so it is not that you are bound to spend the rest of your days like that. But you can improve your condition and make this illness go away sooner rather than later, without waiting for it to self-resolve. Plus, there are illnesses that are known to self-resolve with time QUICKLY for which NO effective treatment has been found, such as upper respiratory infections and viruses, so you just let them run their course, confident in your body's ability to fight the disease on its own. I have never tried to treat such illnesses in myself or my children - I would just increase the fluid intake to help the body's natural defenses. With depression, the time for the illness to self-resolve is LONG, much longer than with upper respiratory viruses. With depression, unlike with viruses, effective treatment that speeds up recovery is available. So - use it perhaps?

An idea for you, Ladyzero...

Your having sex with the bf would be a Pareto improvement. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_efficiency

Would it hurt you? No, you do not report having suffered from painful sex in the past. Guilt feelings or anything like that? No, you enjoy masturbation and the like and are comfortable with your sexuality. Do rape memories and flashbacks haunt you? Nope. Is the guy abusive? No, not at all. He cares enough to send you frequent texts. And not to embark on a search for another woman. For a whole year. Which is impressive. So sure, a depressed woman may not enjoy sex positively, but she will not suffer. It will be at worst a neutral experience. And for the guy it would be a positive experience. So overall, it would be an improvement - at worst you would be no worse off and he would be better off, so as a team they would be better off. So why not go ahead?
Plus, you are depressed. Your adult children have abandoned you. YOu probably feel unloved, unappreciated, etc. Reconnecting with the guy sexually would improve the situation in this department - you would see that someone cares for you and appreciates you. That is huge!
Further, nice people usually enjoy seeing/feeling the pleasure of their partners, and you are clearly a very nice person. So the guy's orgasm and the guy's satisfaction would be positive experiences for you. Even if you yourself are not in the mood for sex.
It is known that the elderly fair better when they volunteer. Doing something nice for others feels good for humans, even if you are too depressed yourself for earth-shattering orgasms. Or, if your medications have erased the drive and rendered you anorgasmic.
I am not talking about doing something against your will or suffering, clearly, the way BigMama suffers. I am just talking about being nice and doing acts of loving kindness that would most likely make us feel good and bond us to our fellow human beings.

I will tell you a relevant story from my life.

in 2006, just diagnosed bipolar and on short term disability from work, I accidentally trapped a huge, ferocious black cat. Male. The size of a mountain lion. I did not mean to trap him. I was trying to catch a domestic escape artist. But instead I trapped that monster. Clearly feral and clearly untameable.

I contacted the head of my local cat rescue agency from whom I had earlier borrowed the trap, asking her what to do. She gave me a voucher to take to our county's Low Cost Spay and Neuter clinic to have the monster fixed and immunized. And later keep him near the house and feed him while he heals and then release. Trapping, fixing, and releasing is the most effective and humane way to control the population of feral cats and I knew it.

With the voucher I would pay only fifteen bucks for the procedure, much less than at a private vet's. But only one clinic accepted the vouchers. For several days I had to call the clinic at six in the morning, getting up earlier than I otherwise would have had to. But fine, I was off work and could sleep later in the day. Finally the clinic gave me a spot and I put the horribly heavy trap in the trunk. Oh, and during those few days of waiting the monster made such scary sounds when I put food inside the trap that I was afraid that he would bite my hand off.

That was my single good deed as far as humane control of feral cats' population goes. I returned the trap afterwards. I do know women volunteers who own their traps and regularly trap, fix, and release. This is definitely laudable, and maybe one day I will join them, but not now. Still, if, god forbids, one of my kitties runs away and I need to trap him or her but instead trap a feral, I would definitely spend fifteen dollars, a little cat food, and a couple of mornings of my time to have the feral fixed. Why would I not do a good deed that costs me so little?

You already have the cat. The boyfriend. I would not encourage you to get into a whole lot of new relationships, as I do not think that being depressed is the right time for it. So definitely not make extra effort and get out of your way, no. Just deal with the cat whom you happened to have trapped in a humane manner. What would it cost you? Just to take a shower and put on clean clothes. I know it is a lot for a depressed person but the satisfaction from treating the boyfriend in a nice, humane, caring manner would be worth the effort. I do not know why but most humans enjoy helping others and being a little altruistic. Maybe because humans are social animals and altruism is necessary for socialization. Maybe evolutionary psychology has something insightful to say about it.

Yes, sex is absolutely a basic need. Without sex, I get low self-esteem, depression, feeling of being trapped, masturbating over and over repeatedly without ever feeling any relief... it's just not good. I don't know whether women need sex as much as men, but I can say that all the women I have been with for longer periods tend to enjoy sex for about the first 2 months, enjoy it occasionally for the next month or so, then completely lose all interest, and that interest never comes back. Maybe this is not a representative sample, but it is consistently my experience.

As for your situation, this guy is a saint if he has gone a year of not even ever seeing you and he is still (figuratively) by your side. Why would you even consider withholding sex from him when you see him? He has stuck around for a year with absolutely nothing. He's clearly not using you for sex.

As to your depression, I have been in your situation (but not for anywhere close to a whole year) and realize that it's a feedback loop. You lay around and don't do anything because you feel worthless and depressed but laying around not doing anything makes you feel even more worthless and depressed. You already know this, I'm sure, but you have to actually do something to get out of it. It doesn't just go away. You feel like you don't have the energy or the motivation to do something, but do it anyway. I mean something as simple as making yourself walk down to the coffee shop and eat a bagel every day. But you have to force yourself to do it, really force yourself no matter how tired or unmotivated you are, being out in the world will help. And actually agreeing to meet this poor guy who has stayed with you for over a year of your refusing to see him will help a lot too, I imagine.

Ladyzero, I'm not sure I'm particularly qualified to be able to answer your question as I've never had sex, but a couple of things popped out of your post.

1. It looks as though your boyfriend doesn't particularly understand your depression and the effects it has on you. I have supported a friend (a non sexual female friend) who has suffered from depression for a number of years now and it can be difficult as the triggers can be so small, yet the effect so devastating.
2. You said you had a very active sex life before, so for him he has gone from an active sex life to nothing. You also said it's been a year. That's probably a long time for most people. (but I've racked up 40 years without sex, so what do I know?)

I'm not condoning his behaviour, but he has been loyal for a year and did cancel the escort. Maybe you could try talking to him about how you feel and why things are the way they are?
I'm no expert on this, but could a fresh re-start of your relationship work? By that I mean going out on dates, not necessarily with sex at the end of it. Maybe he feels neglected and a date will help you reconnect. This may also help you by encouraging you to get up, wash, and hopefully feel just that little bit better about yourself for a short while. I know it's difficult when you're depressed (and I'm probably showing a lack of understanding myself), but that little bit of effort may help lift your depression a bit.

Wow ! To all above posts ! Thank you. I hadn't checked back as thought no one since I last posted here, had added to my reply.
If you've seen me about on other threads my d. got worse and worse, and hit rock bottom.
I accept all your advice.
Since I asked this question, I am petrified he will eventually book the escort, or find someone else.
For the last week however, he suddenly turned his back on me. No texts, no calls. Ignoring my pleas, tearful voicemails, and probably 100 texts in a week. No explanation, although he warned me, he would give up on me and my broken dates.
I even texted, asking for him to tell me simply to go away and leave him alone, and I would. I want closure, if that's what it is. He is a huge sulker, and did this once before. Nothing touches his heart with pleading for contact. I had to yesterday contact his sister to enquire if he was alive, as I was worried to the point of feeling sick. He's fine. So his behaviour is even more hurtful.
He says he cares, about me, how does his actions show that ? Feelings don't go away in a week, to then want to hurt someone.
I can't stop texting him, and will my phone to ping with a reply.
So the sex thing isn't really a concern at the moment, but I miss it too.
I want to feel skin, touch, hug, kiss, and make love, have gentle sex, wild sex, and get laid, but with HIM !
So here I am, waiting for and if he ever does reply.
I wanted to see him, and him me, but not for him to use me for just sex.
Here I am now, wanting to hate him, for turning away, and ignoring my pleas . Now he won't even acknowledge me. I know I cocked up, but if he truly cares about me, would he do this ?