Is sex a basic need ?

Swallowing gives women a sense of accomplishment?? Nope. Not this woman. All that would succeed in accomplishing is me vomiting. Might kill the mood a bit...

I second that emotion.

....and I third.

I do not understand the word in bold.

H.B. Do you mean compartmental ? Ha ha, not even sure it is a word ! What I mean is, his life is in separate compartments. Job, (grown up) kids, family, flat. Me.

Everything is separate, especially me, like I'm kept in a toybox, and taken out periodically to be played with then put away again til next time. Does that make sense ? X

Please read my other post under relationships headed 'what should I do ?'

Will greatly appreciate all your views and advice.

Thank you.

Will say same thing here - you need 1) another man 2) effective treatment for depression.

For depression, I lucked out - the first AD helped me instantly - but it is rare, usually it takes a while to find the right medication. But you can start cardio exercise which should start helping soon - it helps most people. Do one hour a day on most days. You also said that your depression has been unmedicated - has it been by choice or through failure to find effective drugs? If by choice, then it is all the more important to exercise.

I wish H.B. I can't motivate myself from bed.

Then it is a vicious circle, because natural antidepressants - sunlight, fresh air, cardio - are not in bed. You have to crawl out of bed to find help. So again unmedicated depression why?

Just as I said. I'm pathetic, I know. I took to my bed and there I stayed. And so it goes on.

Winter in London is not particularly conducive to being an AD tool, but just in general, sunlight helps some people. It does not help me, but it helps some people. Just getting outside the house is a good idea. For bipolar, there is a therapy called "social rhythm therapy" that helps (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpe...rhythm_therapy). Having lunch dates (I understand that your house is not picked up so you cannot have people OVER for lunch, but you can meet somewhere at a restaurant or cafe) helps. I am not saying that it is absolutely mandatory - depressions do self-resolve with time so it is not that you are bound to spend the rest of your days like that. But you can improve your condition and make this illness go away sooner rather than later, without waiting for it to self-resolve. Plus, there are illnesses that are known to self-resolve with time QUICKLY for which NO effective treatment has been found, such as upper respiratory infections and viruses, so you just let them run their course, confident in your body's ability to fight the disease on its own. I have never tried to treat such illnesses in myself or my children - I would just increase the fluid intake to help the body's natural defenses. With depression, the time for the illness to self-resolve is LONG, much longer than with upper respiratory viruses. With depression, unlike with viruses, effective treatment that speeds up recovery is available. So - use it perhaps?

An idea for you, Ladyzero...

Your having sex with the bf would be a Pareto improvement. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pareto_efficiency

Would it hurt you? No, you do not report having suffered from painful sex in the past. Guilt feelings or anything like that? No, you enjoy masturbation and the like and are comfortable with your sexuality. Do rape memories and flashbacks haunt you? Nope. Is the guy abusive? No, not at all. He cares enough to send you frequent texts. And not to embark on a search for another woman. For a whole year. Which is impressive. So sure, a depressed woman may not enjoy sex positively, but she will not suffer. It will be at worst a neutral experience. And for the guy it would be a positive experience. So overall, it would be an improvement - at worst you would be no worse off and he would be better off, so as a team they would be better off. So why not go ahead?
Plus, you are depressed. Your adult children have abandoned you. YOu probably feel unloved, unappreciated, etc. Reconnecting with the guy sexually would improve the situation in this department - you would see that someone cares for you and appreciates you. That is huge!
Further, nice people usually enjoy seeing/feeling the pleasure of their partners, and you are clearly a very nice person. So the guy's orgasm and the guy's satisfaction would be positive experiences for you. Even if you yourself are not in the mood for sex.
It is known that the elderly fair better when they volunteer. Doing something nice for others feels good for humans, even if you are too depressed yourself for earth-shattering orgasms. Or, if your medications have erased the drive and rendered you anorgasmic.
I am not talking about doing something against your will or suffering, clearly, the way BigMama suffers. I am just talking about being nice and doing acts of loving kindness that would most likely make us feel good and bond us to our fellow human beings.

I will tell you a relevant story from my life.

in 2006, just diagnosed bipolar and on short term disability from work, I accidentally trapped a huge, ferocious black cat. Male. The size of a mountain lion. I did not mean to trap him. I was trying to catch a domestic escape artist. But instead I trapped that monster. Clearly feral and clearly untameable.

I contacted the head of my local cat rescue agency from whom I had earlier borrowed the trap, asking her what to do. She gave me a voucher to take to our county's Low Cost Spay and Neuter clinic to have the monster fixed and immunized. And later keep him near the house and feed him while he heals and then release. Trapping, fixing, and releasing is the most effective and humane way to control the population of feral cats and I knew it.

With the voucher I would pay only fifteen bucks for the procedure, much less than at a private vet's. But only one clinic accepted the vouchers. For several days I had to call the clinic at six in the morning, getting up earlier than I otherwise would have had to. But fine, I was off work and could sleep later in the day. Finally the clinic gave me a spot and I put the horribly heavy trap in the trunk. Oh, and during those few days of waiting the monster made such scary sounds when I put food inside the trap that I was afraid that he would bite my hand off.

That was my single good deed as far as humane control of feral cats' population goes. I returned the trap afterwards. I do know women volunteers who own their traps and regularly trap, fix, and release. This is definitely laudable, and maybe one day I will join them, but not now. Still, if, god forbids, one of my kitties runs away and I need to trap him or her but instead trap a feral, I would definitely spend fifteen dollars, a little cat food, and a couple of mornings of my time to have the feral fixed. Why would I not do a good deed that costs me so little?

You already have the cat. The boyfriend. I would not encourage you to get into a whole lot of new relationships, as I do not think that being depressed is the right time for it. So definitely not make extra effort and get out of your way, no. Just deal with the cat whom you happened to have trapped in a humane manner. What would it cost you? Just to take a shower and put on clean clothes. I know it is a lot for a depressed person but the satisfaction from treating the boyfriend in a nice, humane, caring manner would be worth the effort. I do not know why but most humans enjoy helping others and being a little altruistic. Maybe because humans are social animals and altruism is necessary for socialization. Maybe evolutionary psychology has something insightful to say about it.

Yes, sex is absolutely a basic need. Without sex, I get low self-esteem, depression, feeling of being trapped, masturbating over and over repeatedly without ever feeling any relief... it's just not good. I don't know whether women need sex as much as men, but I can say that all the women I have been with for longer periods tend to enjoy sex for about the first 2 months, enjoy it occasionally for the next month or so, then completely lose all interest, and that interest never comes back. Maybe this is not a representative sample, but it is consistently my experience.

As for your situation, this guy is a saint if he has gone a year of not even ever seeing you and he is still (figuratively) by your side. Why would you even consider withholding sex from him when you see him? He has stuck around for a year with absolutely nothing. He's clearly not using you for sex.

As to your depression, I have been in your situation (but not for anywhere close to a whole year) and realize that it's a feedback loop. You lay around and don't do anything because you feel worthless and depressed but laying around not doing anything makes you feel even more worthless and depressed. You already know this, I'm sure, but you have to actually do something to get out of it. It doesn't just go away. You feel like you don't have the energy or the motivation to do something, but do it anyway. I mean something as simple as making yourself walk down to the coffee shop and eat a bagel every day. But you have to force yourself to do it, really force yourself no matter how tired or unmotivated you are, being out in the world will help. And actually agreeing to meet this poor guy who has stayed with you for over a year of your refusing to see him will help a lot too, I imagine.

Ladyzero, I'm not sure I'm particularly qualified to be able to answer your question as I've never had sex, but a couple of things popped out of your post.

1. It looks as though your boyfriend doesn't particularly understand your depression and the effects it has on you. I have supported a friend (a non sexual female friend) who has suffered from depression for a number of years now and it can be difficult as the triggers can be so small, yet the effect so devastating.
2. You said you had a very active sex life before, so for him he has gone from an active sex life to nothing. You also said it's been a year. That's probably a long time for most people. (but I've racked up 40 years without sex, so what do I know?)

I'm not condoning his behaviour, but he has been loyal for a year and did cancel the escort. Maybe you could try talking to him about how you feel and why things are the way they are?
I'm no expert on this, but could a fresh re-start of your relationship work? By that I mean going out on dates, not necessarily with sex at the end of it. Maybe he feels neglected and a date will help you reconnect. This may also help you by encouraging you to get up, wash, and hopefully feel just that little bit better about yourself for a short while. I know it's difficult when you're depressed (and I'm probably showing a lack of understanding myself), but that little bit of effort may help lift your depression a bit.

Wow ! To all above posts ! Thank you. I hadn't checked back as thought no one since I last posted here, had added to my reply.
If you've seen me about on other threads my d. got worse and worse, and hit rock bottom.
I accept all your advice.
Since I asked this question, I am petrified he will eventually book the escort, or find someone else.
For the last week however, he suddenly turned his back on me. No texts, no calls. Ignoring my pleas, tearful voicemails, and probably 100 texts in a week. No explanation, although he warned me, he would give up on me and my broken dates.
I even texted, asking for him to tell me simply to go away and leave him alone, and I would. I want closure, if that's what it is. He is a huge sulker, and did this once before. Nothing touches his heart with pleading for contact. I had to yesterday contact his sister to enquire if he was alive, as I was worried to the point of feeling sick. He's fine. So his behaviour is even more hurtful.
He says he cares, about me, how does his actions show that ? Feelings don't go away in a week, to then want to hurt someone.
I can't stop texting him, and will my phone to ping with a reply.
So the sex thing isn't really a concern at the moment, but I miss it too.
I want to feel skin, touch, hug, kiss, and make love, have gentle sex, wild sex, and get laid, but with HIM !
So here I am, waiting for and if he ever does reply.
I wanted to see him, and him me, but not for him to use me for just sex.
Here I am now, wanting to hate him, for turning away, and ignoring my pleas . Now he won't even acknowledge me. I know I cocked up, but if he truly cares about me, would he do this ?

I'm not even thinking about the relationship. I'm more worried that you're putting his needs well above your own and putting yourself in a position to get hurt badly.

Thank you for your reply but I don't understand what you mean.

He's already cheated, you have reason to believe that he might do it again and he even told you that he might leave. And now you are still trying to work it out for him. Meanwhile he has done no such thing for you.

Your equivalent of holding things down is changing your decision on sex and maybe having more sex with him.

His equivalent is not leaving you.

There is a major mismatch here and it looks like you're doing all the work.

Ladyzero, I understand you love your bf and want to be with him but your depression is holding you back at the moment. A good bf would be patient and help you through this difficult time. It looks as though your bf is only caring about himself and putting his needs way above yours.

Your health is the most important thing in this. It looks as though he is saying "give me sex or I'll leave". That is not a healthy relationship and I know this is difficult to hear, but you don't need someone like that. You can get through this pain, and you don't need him adding to it with demands that you don't feel comfortable meeting at this time. You need to concentrate on feeling/getting better. If he's not willing to help with that, then it may be time to separate.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I wish I could have worded it better. Sorry.

NOCAKE. Read my post properly, he has NOT cheated on me !

Astenon, I will answer your points briefly, and explain further tomorrow when feeling up to it more.
He's been patient for a year. At no point did he threaten me, just explained he wants a r/s. Not just text/talk, and never seeing me.
He never suggested to see me just for sex, but explained he has needs, which is natural.
I cancelled numerous dates, often even after he'd planned to cook a meal for us, often short notice.
He isn't going to wait around for ever, and told me, he didn't care if my hair needed doing. He wanted to see me, for me to take the step, outside of the prison I was in.

I am doing all the work at the moment, because I co*ked up ! I couldn't see just how low I was getting.

Well Ladyzero I feel like you are selling yourself short here. Ok he didn't cheat but the only thing he's doing to help the situation is promising not to leave you if you do whatever he wants. That's not what I would call helpful. Yes he has needs and it's great that you see that. But what about yours? You have completely thrown yours by the wayside here.

A relationship requires two people to function and so it is under no circumstances proper for one person to do all the work. That's how all these stupid power struggles get started. Sure we screw up badly but the other person isn't supposed to sit there with their arms crossed like they run the show. There needs to be some kind of compromise to make things easier. I'm not saying that there aren't times when one person just does something flat out crazy because yeah it happens. But you just don't want sex as much as he does and now you're getting guilt tripped over it. How is that fair to you?

And lets say you go through with this. Will you really be happy? Because all I see happening here is you feeling forced to have sex that you won't want and you'll just end up in the bed thinking about your grocery list or something while he does his thing. How long do you think it will take for you to start feeling resentment? Because it's only a matter of time. There is no doubt in my mind that sooner or later you're going to get fed up with having sex you don't want and that's just going to bottle up inside of you until you just explode one day.

And where does it end? Today it's sex. Tomorrow it's going to be something else. How much of your happiness and how much of yourself are you gong to throw away for someone that hasn't shown the same for you. He's basically telling you to **** him or he'll leave. What kind of crazy ish is that? Who says that to someone they love? Who? Ok sure he makes you feel loved sometimes - makes you feel special and you love that. But what about now? How do you feel now? Do you feel loved right now? Because all I see is you sitting here feeling guilt tripped for standing up for not wanting sex. You didn't burn all the money in the bank account, you didn't lose the house in a poker game, you didn't burn the car down, you didn't hurt the kids - you just don't want sex that much. I mean what kind of reason is that to make you feel guilty?

As far as I can see you really love the guy and you're willing to do whatever just to be with him and that's a beautiful thing. But what is he doing to be with you? I just don't see anything here that shows that he wants to help you make the relationship any better. That doesn't sound right to me. Just my two cents...

I think NoCake is saying the essence of what I want to say, but perhaps a bit more assertive than I would say it

I understand you've cancelled dates and perhaps left him feeling neglected because you couldn't bring yourself to go out. In that situation, if you were my girl, I'd pop round with supplies and cook for you. You would need to make too much of an effort, just sit there in your jimjams. Even if it was just an M&S meal for 2 thing. Maybe it's that sort of thing you say you've cancelled? If it is, sorry for misunderstanding.

I have helped a very good friend through depression and she was in a similar place to you at one time. It takes patience, care and support. You can and will come through this. Try to be positive and take the pluses out of the small steps you make.

Need to function properly, yes, to survive on an individual basis, no. As a species, yeah. So sex is pretty damn important when without it there would be none of this.

I doubt it.

You can ejaculate without sex.

I think the hypothesis that frequent ejaculation prevents prostate cancer has been disproven.