[Yismymindblank12]

I'm tired of being expected as a dude to do so much. I get it, I ****ing get it doesn't mean you have to beat me up to be strong. Seriously, I'm done with bashing and stupid things I put up with as a dude. I don't want this life, I don't want this body, I don't want any of this. I hate having to settle that if I say one word that comes off sexist I'm beaten to the ground as dirt. I never hit women, I want to be one, ****, because they are so beautiful. I want what they got, the friends the life the body all of it. I can't take it, I am attractive male, but I hate being this. I hate these expectations I hate it all these double standards this gender ********. The stuff people believe from this is making me suicidal, because I was raped horribly by both men and women. Seriously do I even care bout this inequality crap anymore. No because it's missed the whole point all together and men like me who are severely abused are forced to shove everything, because I hate always being told by every female you gotta be this that or all this or you are nothing to anyone. Like this is ********, I don't want this. I just want love and a true friend not this ****. I don't want to have my wife apparently or if I was a woman my partner as a resume filing out for like a job. That's so stupid, I don't deserve this caddy retarded life. My vocab is not doing well now, because I don't care. I need to tell people this abuse has gone long enough. Nothing is helping even with therapy.

[Yismymindblank12]

I have to live up to all these expectations, and now I am trying my best and losing that I am going to die by killing myself. Stuck in this house of poor neglectful parents, indifferent friends, and people who want a perfect unrealistic view of me. I just want to end it all, because I don't want this life. I don't want to accept this abuse, it's ****ing abuse what am I supposed to say oh being told I'm **** going through physical brain trauma hell and people physically beating me because they are having a bad day. Well **** why don't we all go get guns and blow all our brains out, because this isn't going to get better whether I am alive or not. I hate sounding like I am unrealistic, but I can be positive I can't take this abuse this isolation, the hallucinations or whatever people call it, my lack of any understanding no matter how much I read and know. I actually come to no conclusions for any answers and just go mad. I am going to die here stuck alone in this hellish life. I am debating if killing myself would be a good thing, I don't give a flying **** bout religion it had no place in my life, I find it irrelevant to what I experience and no one can tell me otherwise. I am done being told I am nothing, I want to be happy, whether a man or a woman, but if I was a woman it feels much easier for me to experience that. Aside of that, I can't talk bout anything, because almost everyone is too lack of any knowledge of what I talk bout and understand my thoughts and my ways of life. I don't like feeling like this is special it sucks, I get I am thinking for this glass half empty, but see here. I've had so many DBT lessons that didn't taught me anything. I got the skills and used it the whole time there and stayed quiet in fear of being beaten to death by some crazy people I was in residential with. I am forced to accept I am not normal and consider a lesser person for being mentally ill. So no matter what I am in form with the mental ill I am not a human even to other people with other illnesses. I am not saying that's what the world is, but is has been like that to me. I have no sense of safety relationships are just impossible. I make up things in my head be my own person in my head. I have long term isolation I have very little to no face to face interaction for long periods of time. I am expected to follow these rules when I never knew bout them in the first place. I am an outsider looking in and find this whole idea completely repulsive and hateful. I want to be a free human not some observant pet in a hospital. Cincinnati psych hospitals inpatient are by far the worst in the US. I have had many doctors leave there in that dept and workers in general say that there will be some places in my city because how they run things will end up on the news and a lot of people will be fired. I am truly terrified to be hospitalized I am truly scared to get help, because of the abuse I got from it. I can't get help no matter where I go I try to help myself, it only gets me so far, then when I go to someone else they expect me to be like pay me in all this stuff and so on to be a good friend so that's impractical. I tried to find love in myself and have it to share with someone else, but when they see mental illness they run or if they don't understand me even if the other person his or herself mentally ill they run too, because they are fearful. Seriously does that feeling that people of being fearful of me, because I want love and never have had it like I want. It sounds really strange, but it happens to me all the time. Instead of telling me they like me or not interested they will be very caddy behind other people hide, because they are afraid I will hurt them based on more barbaric people. Now because this happens every time and the frequency is too great for me to handle. I got no choice to kill myself over no way to handle my stress and being forced to internalize go on here get help or answers I know that will never come. I still do type on here, because I want to feel safe at least even though I am not at all. So in the end if I was somewhere else I'd finally grow for once, but as of now. I am more at risk of killing myself than any other time. So don't come here telling me other people have it worse thinking I am some ignorant fraud who isn't aware of his surroundings I bet there are and I am aware, but accusing me being indifferent from you being butthurt over my feelings bout my situation is now getting ridiculous. I don't have a nice house, I don't have much food anymore my parents are surprisingly not taking food stamps and I know that's probably a good thing, but then again we can't afford food to begin with either or any basic necessity I get times are hard. I had to live without any heat for a whole winter and with a lack of toilet paper. I try to make music and make the best with what I have, but when I make friends they are much more wealthier and better off than I am. I don't use it as a crutch I have to work harder. I have the right mindset, but when I am putting myself out there people just ignore ignore ignore because I am not this or that. So I had no opportunity to begin with I got to accept being poor and killing myself in any means, because of the neglectful abusive lifestyle I am stuck with and if I get sad I am a horrible person because think of those poor children in peru and africa o boo hoo. I'll tell that to you on here and anyone would have a **** storm that I am ignorant. So let's just please stop with the formalities and be focused on getting me safe because this is my post, I have that freedom. If you read this and comment you put an input good for you, but if you don't care go to someone else who wants one for there sake. I am here for myself like everyone else, but telling me my words aren't valid and I gotta be this or that. No I don't think that would work anyone's right mind who is the situation I am in. Plus I am medically ill and debt is rising for my medical bill. I am too expensive to live, so I'm probably going to die sooner or later what does it matter. I get it it sounds like I have no faith, but what is faith going to do now. I have put to much time and effort into faith of something that won't happen. That faith was in freedom from this grippling hell hole of emotional physical abuse from people, and now my health. Also I lost faith in ever finding what I seek or any direction. So depression and suicide is the end result.

[eternaldamnation]

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

I have to live up to all these expectations, and now I am trying my best and losing that I am going to die by killing myself. Stuck in this house of poor neglectful parents, indifferent friends, and people who want a perfect unrealistic view of me. I just want to end it all, because I don't want this life. I don't want to accept this abuse, it's ****ing abuse what am I supposed to say oh being told I'm **** going through physical brain trauma hell and people physically beating me because they are having a bad day. Well **** why don't we all go get guns and blow all our brains out, because this isn't going to get better whether I am alive or not. I hate sounding like I am unrealistic, but I can be positive I can't take this abuse this isolation, the hallucinations or whatever people call it, my lack of any understanding no matter how much I read and know. I actually come to no conclusions for any answers and just go mad. I am going to die here stuck alone in this hellish life. I am debating if killing myself would be a good thing, I don't give a flying **** bout religion it had no place in my life, I find it irrelevant to what I experience and no one can tell me otherwise. I am done being told I am nothing, I want to be happy, whether a man or a woman, but if I was a woman it feels much easier for me to experience that. Aside of that, I can't talk bout anything, because almost everyone is too lack of any knowledge of what I talk bout and understand my thoughts and my ways of life. I don't like feeling like this is special it sucks, I get I am thinking for this glass half empty, but see here. I've had so many DBT lessons that didn't taught me anything. I got the skills and used it the whole time there and stayed quiet in fear of being beaten to death by some crazy people I was in residential with. I am forced to accept I am not normal and consider a lesser person for being mentally ill. So no matter what I am in form with the mental ill I am not a human even to other people with other illnesses. I am not saying that's what the world is, but is has been like that to me. I have no sense of safety relationships are just impossible. I make up things in my head be my own person in my head. I have long term isolation I have very little to no face to face interaction for long periods of time. I am expected to follow these rules when I never knew bout them in the first place. I am an outsider looking in and find this whole idea completely repulsive and hateful. I want to be a free human not some observant pet in a hospital. Cincinnati psych hospitals inpatient are by far the worst in the US. I have had many doctors leave there in that dept and workers in general say that there will be some places in my city because how they run things will end up on the news and a lot of people will be fired. I am truly terrified to be hospitalized I am truly scared to get help, because of the abuse I got from it. I can't get help no matter where I go I try to help myself, it only gets me so far, then when I go to someone else they expect me to be like pay me in all this stuff and so on to be a good friend so that's impractical. I tried to find love in myself and have it to share with someone else, but when they see mental illness they run or if they don't understand me even if the other person his or herself mentally ill they run too, because they are fearful. Seriously does that feeling that people of being fearful of me, because I want love and never have had it like I want. It sounds really strange, but it happens to me all the time. Instead of telling me they like me or not interested they will be very caddy behind other people hide, because they are afraid I will hurt them based on more barbaric people. Now because this happens every time and the frequency is too great for me to handle. I got no choice to kill myself over no way to handle my stress and being forced to internalize go on here get help or answers I know that will never come. I still do type on here, because I want to feel safe at least even though I am not at all. So in the end if I was somewhere else I'd finally grow for once, but as of now. I am more at risk of killing myself than any other time. So don't come here telling me other people have it worse thinking I am some ignorant fraud who isn't aware of his surroundings I bet there are and I am aware, but accusing me being indifferent from you being butthurt over my feelings bout my situation is now getting ridiculous. I don't have a nice house, I don't have much food anymore my parents are surprisingly not taking food stamps and I know that's probably a good thing, but then again we can't afford food to begin with either or any basic necessity I get times are hard. I had to live without any heat for a whole winter and with a lack of toilet paper. I try to make music and make the best with what I have, but when I make friends they are much more wealthier and better off than I am. I don't use it as a crutch I have to work harder. I have the right mindset, but when I am putting myself out there people just ignore ignore ignore because I am not this or that. So I had no opportunity to begin with I got to accept being poor and killing myself in any means, because of the neglectful abusive lifestyle I am stuck with and if I get sad I am a horrible person because think of those poor children in peru and africa o boo hoo. I'll tell that to you on here and anyone would have a **** storm that I am ignorant. So let's just please stop with the formalities and be focused on getting me safe because this is my post, I have that freedom. If you read this and comment you put an input good for you, but if you don't care go to someone else who wants one for there sake. I am here for myself like everyone else, but telling me my words aren't valid and I gotta be this or that. No I don't think that would work anyone's right mind who is the situation I am in. Plus I am medically ill and debt is rising for my medical bill. I am too expensive to live, so I'm probably going to die sooner or later what does it matter. I get it it sounds like I have no faith, but what is faith going to do now. I have put to much time and effort into faith of something that won't happen. That faith was in freedom from this grippling hell hole of emotional physical abuse from people, and now my health. Also I lost faith in ever finding what I seek or any direction. So depression and suicide is the end result.

it's true, human beings are terrible creatures. have you thought about using google maps and city data to research a different state, and move?

you don't have to die, by any means, to escape the human created disaster you're in. you can just move away, to a better place, with more valuable people. better quality people. they exist. they really do.