I've only ever had sex with hookers. help.

I lost my virginity to a hooker, at 18 1/2. that was after I had my heartbroken my 3 crushes in a row, i had been saving myself until then, but after that i was just like screw it and did it. I've now only ever had sex with hookers, 24 in total, i'm 24 now. I'm now concerned how this will impact my future with women, and don't want that number to get any bigger. I'm having a crazy dry spell now. a) what do you think of me, b) how will this impact my future relationships, should i ever tell them?

to elaborate, i really fell in love with my first 3 crushes, it tore me to shreds when 3 in a row rejected me. If i handn't had sex with hookers, i would now be a virgin, with little to completely no self esteem, completely unproductive and sexually inexperienced in a socially unacceptable way. The hookers I've had sex with have given me honest advice, raised my self esteem and self worth, and I am really really good at sex now, i can give out orgasms in less then 20 mins, with no oral. However, i do feel as though i cheated the system and as a result have missed out on intimacy and the social transition to sex. I have been told i am good looking and that I don't need to see hookers (by hookers). I do respect each and every working girl i had sex with, they have taught me invaluable life lessons. But i want to stop, i want to stop going to the easy option, and this is a secret i will take to my deathbed.

I really need some advice, what should i do? I spend so much time in the pursuit of women, i need sex and i don't get it. Rejection really hurts, really hurts and ruins my self esteem. What should I do?

Well, it sounds like you have lucked out on the sex workers who have taught you valuable lessons and raised your self esteem and commented positively on your looks and encouraged you to seek relationships that involve unpaid sex. So you basically received therapy from the sex workers, which is probably more than you paid for. However, I think you still need to retain a more conventional therapist who would prepare your for the ebb and flow of the dating scene (successes mixed in with rejections). I probably should not be saying it because I have not gone through it personally, but from seeing and hearing about the experiences of other people, having been rejected three times by age 18 is not uncommon. People process it and move on, and you cannot. So for that I would seek therapy and then start dating just as other people do. Whether you disengage from employing sex workers right now or gradually is probably not very important, provided that you do not face untoward legal consequences, practice safe sex, and can afford the services. But from your description of your encounters with sex workers, I am pretty positive that the women would absolutely enforce safe sex.

I am very surprised that the hookers experienced orgasms with you. I thought that it was not part of their job description. Good for you.

Whether to tell future women is a judgment call to make on a case-by-case basis. Have you read "Anna Karenina"?

Since the hookers have been so helpful overall, I would maybe poll them (if you can) to get their opinions on whether you should disclose your encounters with them during your subsequent relationships. They may have special insight and experience that we here simply do not have. They may have seen guys in your situation already. So would not hurt to inquire.

But the general rule that seems to emerge is that you should first look for safety. If you are about to disclose your past to your new woman friend, is it safe? Does she deserve your trust? Can you see her turning around and using your past against you?

There is also a golden principle in data security that applies to your situation - sensitive data should only be disclosed on a need-to-know basis. Your data is definitely sensitive, because you have been unable to find socially acceptable relationships with the opposite sex without relying on monetary exchanges. To let somebody know about it exposes your vulnerability. So there should be a need-to-know basis for disclosure and you should be able to trust that your woman friend won't ridicule you, be horrified, and so on and so forth.

And, if it helps at all, your kind of path of initiation into sex from hookers to (in those days) marriage used to be very, very, very commonplace. It is certainly not commonplace now, but still nothing to cause you to feel SO concerned about your future with women. You will be OK. Women are women. It is not that you have been having sex with extraterrestrial aliens for 6 years, have gotten used to them and now want to make a grand leap of faith and switch to the women of the Earth.

You have identified the main issue correctly. The main issue with relationships not mediated by monetary exchanges is the possibility to be rejected. A hooker is bought so she cannot reject you, and you find solace in that arrangement. Now you are about to graduate into the world where you can be rejected.

Hamster on the whole gave great advice. My biggest thing as far as telling goes is safety...I don't mean this to alarm you, nor do I mean it as an insult to yourself or any of those women (whom my heart goes out to...that's a lonely, cold road ), but they've...been around, you know? My biggest fear for you is sexually transmitted diseases, in which case you would need to disclose that to your partner. That doesn't, per se, involve you telling them how (despite my own...mixed feelings, if you will...I'm a big advocate for disclosure and honesty, though I do absolutely understand your rationale), but they would need to know that.

I do absolutely echo Hamster in saying that seeking a conventional therapist is for the best. They can help you make the transition, and also deal with any lingering emotions you might have regarding this. Do be prepared in the dating world that it is very much an ebb and flow...you will win as much as you lose. Don't let that discourage you. That is totally normal.

lol And also, if it makes you feel better, I was rejected just as many times at that age (I'm 19), and Lord knows, I've been in absolutely toxic relationships. It happens. Just try not to let it get you down.

If I can be of any help, do consider my pm box open. I wish you all of the best.

Hugs,
Harley

And, at 24 and with a modern life expectancy provided that you do not become a drug addict, commit suicide, race cars, etc. etc., you are still looking at many decades of unpaid sex in front of you. Many more years of unpaid sex than the 6 years of commercial sex you have had. So cheer up.

WOW you guys have given great advice!!!!! Thank you so much, that was unexpected, and incredibly therapeutic!

Hamster, thanks firstly, your advice is really good! Very good point regarding data security, I think this information about my past is extremely confidential n I do not see the need to disclose it to another, in the sense that the police are not allowed to and do not discuss their work cases with their wife/husband as it is not allowed. I think the method by which I attained the sexual experience I have now is not needed to be known.

My justification for seeing so many as i had was that girls my age have had 3 - 4 long term relationships already, some living with their bf already. Thats daily, i would imagine in a ltr, unprotected sex with another man, whereas I, by my lonely, have had protected sex once a year, or 2-3 months last yr. Either way i have come to the conclusion that any girl i date in the future will have a longer sexual history than me. And I'm not going to ask the nitty gritty of her past sex life, and i do not see that she is going to delve on that either, so i do not feel the need to delve on mine, especially the method lol.

And Harley, thanks for the great advice also, it is really appreciated I have been extremely lucky thus far in not contracting any std's and believe me i have been paranoid as hell lol!! I have seen std clinics on many occasions, and the doctors have pretty much told me you don't need to be here, your clean as a whistle. I do not want to push my luck any further in that arena and I do wish to abstain from sex workers from this point in my life onwards, it's been my secret nye resolution and the only one i've kept lol. And when I had done the deed it's always been protected, and I only ever used professional establishments where the girls are drug free and there by choice, many are students, or using that as a supplemental income to travel etc. I had even been asked out by one who was the sweetest girl, she had seen me at a dark time in my life and been incredibly supportive in the hr we had, only had sex once at the beginning and the rest of the hr was a heart to heart chat. She gave me her no. and said I probably won't even call, which really tugged my heartstrings. I admit i was hesitant to call, not because of any other reason but the fear in that revealing my true identity and line of work to her etc would have negative repercussions for me in my field, yeah i know, i'm hopeless. I left for travel after and lost her number and the beautiful note she had written for me, it was a believe in yourself type message. I did find it yrs later, but yeah, too much time had passed.

In terms of seeing a therapist, again my field and the area i want to be in the future does not really permit me to reveal this to someone for it to go on the record as such, I am quite a strong individual and I think with the invaluable advice you guys have given me I'll be able to sort out any issues i have personally.

I haven't read anna karenina, I'm intrigued now, what is that book about, and does it have some lessons i can learn i.e. a similar situation?

ok so you have had sex w/ 24 working girls. Were any of these 24 visits w/ the same girl or all girls different.

I don't know that I would disclose to a close female partner that they were working girls. Maybe just that you have been w/ 24 different people. Thats not the most desirable trait I look for in a man but on the other hand this day in time that is not the worst I have heard of. That's why I asked if it was 24 different girls or 4 different girls 6 times each. that makes a difference. Then you've only been w/ 4 people.

If I were truely looking at becoming a partner in a serious committed relationship, I'd be sure to tell that person why you chose that path and how many times it occurred. Be sure to explain when was the last time, maybe that you did seek T afterwards to deal w/ this issue. Those life choices do not mean there is no hope.

You have learned some valuable lessons apparently and that could not have been learned w/ 24 encounters w/ the same person. I'm not saying this is the path I would have choose or have wanted my H to choose before me. But him having been w/ one person and me two our experience between the two of us is poor. If one of us knew what in the world we were doing it might have actually helped a lot. That is not my preferred method for finding out the "How to's" of things.

I think you are being to hard on yourself.

I hate to be sound cruel, but sometimes you have to lay your soul out to bear to someone and hope they don't crush you. I think it is tough but the only way to make that connection. I remember in high school going out a couple times with this very pretty Hispanic girl. Remedios was her name. We weren't bf/gf, but that's what I wanted. We went on a couple of dates, but nothing ever happened and then I asked for me and was rejected. It sucks to be rejected, and personally I find it very gut wrenching. I used to have really bad self esteem though. It sucks for a while but it gets better. Just because someone doesn't like you doesn't mean you are ugly or an awful person. It just means they don't want a relationship, had a messed up one recently or have a bad one they are hiding. The point I'm trying to make is you have to keep pursuing women for it to happen. I don't know when the last time you tried to date someone, but I can imagine it would be easier dating a 24 year old than a 19 year old. My memories of being around 19 girls were they were self centered and didn't know what they wanted. Maybe that was just college freshmen though, i dunno.

I wouldn't count the hookers as a necessarily bad thing. I wouldn't brag about it to future gf's, but you did learn how to please a women. It raised your self esteem and put things in perspective. Who is better to tell you about sex, than someone who has it on a daily basis? I've only had sex with one person and my first few attempts were pretty abysmal. I had do idea what I was doing. My wife had a couple bf's before me and I learned what to do. I think when you get over your fear of rejection, being able to have good sex will be a big bonus for you.

Your not the first guy to pay for sex. I wouldn't beat yourself up to bad over it. I think therapy could help you deal with your fear of rejection. If it makes you feel better, you only have to be rejected until someone says yes, then you are home free.

And, since you are thinking about what to tell future partners, I can recommend one thing. Never tell anybody that you lost your virgiinity at eighteen and a half. And do not give out the exact date of that first transaction either. Just say eighteen. Or round to the nearest whole year. I do not have time to explain why now but will explain next week.

And, likewise, do not mention 24 women or encounters because it is seriously weird that your memory is so precise. Round to 20+, at least.

not 20 plus, that means 100. 20 ish. that narrows it down to 20 to less then 30.

I agree w/ hamster, just say you waited until you were 18.

Great wording, waited until eighteen

it's been a pretty long dry spell now, not that i haven't tried and went out to bars etc. i kind of foresee this dry spell lasting the whole year, maybe i'm being negative, but past experiences lead me to believe that it will be (i.e. i would still be a virgin if i hadn't gone the route i had). i want to tough it out, i know i should. but another side says, life is short, why should i go a whole year without sex, a basic need, just because it has been out of my reach? I guess its the easy way out, the easy option. I also think i am being quite negative in my thinking, but is this thinking a sign of sex addiction?

any advice would be greatly appreciated, i don't want this number to get any bigger, i guess i'm asking, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

The situation with the number has a simple solution: stop counting. Do you have a spreadsheet where you enter your encounters with hookers? If so, is it in Excel or Google Drive? Do you have charts of your activity? Forecasts, maybe?

Stop maintaining the spreadsheet. Do not be fixated on the number. Rename the file adding the word DEPRECATED.

If going to bars has not yielded results, expand by diversifying your portfolio. Add online dating and maybe some volunteering that would enable you to mix with girls. I am not in the know so ask those who are to recommend you the kind of volunteering that would give you the most exposure.

You seem to believe that toughing it out would somehow increase your chances of meeting a girl who is not a sex professional. What drives this belief?? I would work on the hypothesis that there is no correlation, until proven otherwise.

So if sex is safe both in terms of condom use and legal consequences, and within your budget, then go. Especially since according to the OP, you get value for your money - you get a skills training bonus. Go, but do not think about it too much - focus on trying to be involved in activities that lead to transactions not mediated by money.

If you have money to pay for high quality prostitues, you are probably gainfully employed. If so, and if you can carry out work and other activities of daily living, then your functioning is not impaired, so you do not have an addiction. Stop worrying about that part.

Above all, relax and do also focus on getting pleasure from living in non-sexual ways. What do you like to do for fun and pleasure outside of sex? Can you list 3-5 things you enjoy doing?

I thought more about your idea that toughing it out would somehow help establish non-commercial sexuual relationshpips.

I have never gone to bars myself, but from what I know, girls who go to bars do so without charitable intentions in mind. At least for the most part. In other words, it is not the case that they give questionnaires to all the male patrons in an attempt to determine who has been toughing it out for the longest and then consider dating from the toughest guy and down the list. No, that is not happening. So there is no positive correlation between toughing it out and success in bars.

There might even be some marginal negative correlation, provided you get a boost of confidence from your encounters with hookers. I do not know; you are better positioned to assess that kind of impact.

Honestly I think its the guilt, every time I pay for it I feel dirty, desperate, lowest of the low deep inside. So its like a double edged sword. I feel every time I have sex with a hooker, thats another secret to a ever increasing pandoras box that I have to keep from any girl I get involved with in the future. Hence why I feel the need to quit it.

But wow. You really have raised some incredibly good points there. money is becoming an issue, however in the bar/club spree i just have done, with no results, I have spent more than on a hooker lol, so economically a hooker is the better option. I just really don't want to catch an STD. I've been lucky, I don't want to push that luck. hmmm. choices.

Calvin,

So OK, now is the weekend and I have some time and I will tell you why you should only report ESTIMATES, be it dating your sexual debut or the number of partners if >5.

So there is a forum focused on Women, and there is a long long long thread there in which women report the age of menarche. Menarche=first menstrual period.

Most women report whole years - 12, 11, 13.

I reported - 2 weeks shy of 16. And I remember that it happened around Nov 7th.

Why do I differ from 95+% of women respondents on that thread?

Because I was so late, I was worried and preoccupied. All the girls in my class had already started, and I did not. I worried about it EVERY DAY. I thought that I would never start, that something was terribly terribly wrong with me. I was so relieved when I did start, and that is why I remember almost to the exact date. The degree of precision of my memory is driven by the degree of my worry and preoccupation with the subject matter.

Once I started menstruating, I stopped worrying about anything in this field, and I was never ever worried that I would somehow remain a spinster. I lost my virginity a year or two later than you did - fairly late - for a variety of reasons probably including CSA, probably including living with a very strict grandfather (it so happened that I started sexual experimentation only after he died), but not for lack of volunteers wishing to take it. Because I was not worried, I do not remember exactly when it happened. I believe, in the fall.

I also do not keep a spreadsheet counting sexual partners. I know that I have had fewer than you have had, that is for sure, but I think it is OK because I personally have not heard of any agency that would issue you brownie points or anything of value for the count of sexual partners - the more partners, the more points. Until such agency makes an appearance, I would not strive to maximize the number. I will just relax and take it easy.

Also, at work, I have so many spreadsheets that I have to maintain and reconcile - both in Excel and in Google Drive - that the idea of opening yet another spreadsheet makes me nauseous. No, not me.

So I will live with a rough estimate of how many partners I have had, and even that only if someone presses me to come up with it. For personal consumption, I simply do not care. I do remember about 2 ex husbands (2 is a small # so it is easy to remember) and I think that is enough, in terms of the utilization of my RAM.

In other words, people who are preoccupied with something and/or worried about something remember precise figures. Other people do not. So if you do not want to convey to your future women friends that you have been ever so worried and/or preoccupied with the subject matter, use rough estimates only.