Open Relationship vs Not.... BIG ISSUE

Okay, so I have a big issue right now. My fiance and I have been together for three years and I always knew he was more adventurous than I was and it never really bothered me until he started wanting to fulfill his fantasies....

He keeps talking about wanting to TRY an open relationship where we can be with other people etc. I am not one for that idea, perhaps its because I am old fashioned I don't know. My brain has it glued to my being that I can NOT sexually be with more than one person at a time. This is causing a lot of stress and drama at home needless to say. He doesnt want to give up his WANTS and I don't want to betray what my head believes is right. I attempted it once to make him happy so he would shut up. And I regretted it the whole time and hated myself for it after.

I told him this and he says he knows that I won't change my mind, yet he continuously tries to make me change my mind about it! I am not comfortable with the idea, but I don't want him to be miserable not fulfilling these hopes and dreams that I apparently can't fulfill..... (honestly it makes me feel like crap that I am not enough.....) but I get it, he needs more. We almost broke up the other night because of this, and I don't want that because besides the sexual issues between us our relationship is great! I just don't know what to do..... Help!?

(I hope this is the right spot for this.... if not let me know..)

It is not clear what he wants in terms of changing your mind. Change re: what? Your being with other people besides him or his being with multiple men at the same time?

There is a great Czech book, "The Unbearable Lightness of Being", and a great movie with the same title. Both are a must for you guys, both for content and just because it is great literature/film that you will enjoy. I won't post any spoilers - just read/see for yourselves.

sorry, he wants to be with other girls and me at the same time, or just watch me be with other girls/guys..... that is his big fantasy he wants fulfilled. and i want none of it.

oh, threesomes or group sex? not multiple one-on-one relationships running in parallel but some sort of group sex or group sex observation?

yes, some variation of it, he has run through all the scenarios.....sorry i am HORRIBLE at explaining things....

OK, I think I am beginning to understand.

If it is a fantasy involving you that he is trying to fulfill, and you want none of it, then you should definitely not engage in whatever it is that you do not want. Sex is supposed to pleasurable to the participants. If you do not like something, you should not engage in it, and tough luck for him.

If he wants to have relationships with other girls independent of you (ones that do not involve you), then it is your judgment call.

But definitely do not fulfill fantasies that are unpleasant to you. You would be serving a duty, and sex as a duty is no fun.

yeah that pretty much sums it up.

but with in the last fight we had, we pretty much agreed that if im not willing to budge and neither is he, we may as well break up. So I said that I would TRY to be a bit more open... I said that I wont do anything, but if he wants to go have sex with another girl I wont stop him as long as he just does it a few times to get it out of his system with my knowing about it at a sex club or something like that..... that way while hes doing that i can wander around and see if anything appeals to me...

I dont know if that is the right path to take, but it felt like the only way to get out of my corner at that point in time.

I dont want to tell him that he cant fulfill his needs, because as much as it makes me feel better, he will be in the depression boat too then because he isnt getting what he 'needs'.

am i making sense?

You are making sense, for sure, but attachments are unpredictable. I do not know from experience, but I imagine that sex clubs do emphasize fleeting attractions, but there is no guarantee that he won't find someone whom he would like enough to want to see her more than a few times. There are just no guarantees.

i agree. thats why i am worried and unsure how to proceed. :S because as i said i want BOTH of us happy not just one or the other :S

Read the Wikipedia article on polyamory, paying attention to the debate about the hierarchy of relationships (is it OK to have primary and secondary relationships or are all relationships flat (meaning, equal)?).

Polyamory, good idea. At least interesting to read. I don't know what the answer is for you guys.

I think if you let him sleep w/ other women he might can get it our of his system for a little while but not long term. Think of sex as Huge Hershey's bar w/ lots of little pieces. You can have some little by little, or you can have some hots at a time. Now once it is gone you might be good for a while. But it ain't gonna be forever. You will want more chchcolate. He most likely be the same way w/ sex w/ someone else. he'll get his fill for a little while then he will want it agian.

Have you thought about maybe looking for someone you approve of for/with. You don't have to like what he wants to do. I don't think it is right. But rite or wrong is not up for debate right now. Is there someone you could allow him to be w/ and narrow it down to that one person. Someone you will not feel threatened by. She will be impending on your territory. Someone who you can tolerate. someone you could potentially grow to like as well. Someone else who is married and is open to the idea.

Maybe like polygamy He is faithful to you but belongs to the ohter woman on weds and Fri nights.If he chooses to have sex w/ her on those 2 nights then that is up to him and her. If he ends up fixing broken tile or squeeky doorknobs that is fine to. I think in the context of another relationship he will not be nearly as happy about sharing 2 women and will soon drop woman number two. Does that make since.

Just something to think about. there are lots of documenteries on poloygamy, from the woman's point of view.

Hi Raena.

I am sorry you're finding yourself in this position...I honestly can't imagine what you're feeling right now. I've read a few stories similar to yours, and each and every time I try to put myself in your position mentally, it just...doesn't work. I virtually cannot imagine my reaction whatsoever. Regardless, I am sorry you are going through this.

Raena, this might be hard advice I'm about to offer...but I would tell you to go with your gut and your heart. You obviously are not comfortable with the idea of sharing your bed with someone else, and he is obviously very set on the idea. If he's not willing to budge and neither are you (which I don't fault you for at all...I wouldn't), that's a very significant impasse that needs to be addressed, you know? You need to do what you are comfortable with...never, under any circumstance, commit to something in a relationship, be it sexual or otherwise, that you are not comfortable with. This is certainly no exception.

To insert my own opinion...I've nothing per se against open relationships. The idea is very, very alien to me, and I cannot wrap my head around the idea, but I don't pass judgment on those who are in them. However, despite my lack of understanding there, I DO know that it HAS to be agreed upon and be comfortable by both partners. BOTH partners. Respectfully Raena, I don't think this is something that you should really have to "try to be more open minded" about. To me, based on what you've said, this is obviously uncomfortable to you. I respect your dedication in trying to compromise on that, I do...but if it's something that truly bothers you, I don't think that's something you should have to compromise on, you know?

Ultimately, call me old fashioned...but I think if one of the partners in a potentially poly-amorous relationship is not comfortable with the idea, then the idea should be dropped or the couple needs to reconsider things heavily, if you take my meaning. I am sorry...I hate advising that.

Please know you're in my prayers, and I wish you all of the best.

Hugs,
Harley

I think open releationship require a substantial about of trust and it has to be wanted by both people. It sounds like you two aren't sexually compatible. My only suggestion is to talk to him and see what he gets out of it. Maybe there is somethinng you can do. If he like diffent experience, maybe role playing is an option to sataify both of your needs.

I don't think it's old-fashioned if you just want to be with one person at the one time. Polygamy after all is a very old idea.

thanks everyone i will take this all into consideration and let you know what happens.

I'm not saying what is right and what is wrong, nor am I going to expound on my thoughts on sexual realtions. But I hope I will give you something to think about. There will be many times in your relationship where you and he will not agree on what you want. This is one of those cases. It sounds like rather than reaching a mutually acceptable compromise his attitude is that he knows you disagree but doesn't care. He wants what he wants and he is going to needle you until you give in. If he handles this situation that way, what will he do with others?

Are you looking at a future of always giving in to his desires and wants or one where you opinions and preferences are considered and respected? For example, I wanted a pet; my husband did not. So, in his mind we were not getting a pet. Finally one day I told him that we had a give and take relationship and just because he said no did not mean the answer was no. We talked about why I wanted a pet and he did not and came to a MUTIAL agreement to get a cat. We are both quite happy with our dear little fur baby. If we had not respected each other's feelings we either would not have a cat and I would resent it or we would have the cat without his imput and he would feel angry.

Do what you need to do for you. It sounds like you bf is immature and has not learned any self control. He cannot always act on his desires. This attitude could lead to trouble.

I'm all for being open minded, but only to your comfort level when you are involved. I'm with you I wouldn't want to be part of an "open relationship" but if others do great for them.

Your problem is that one of you are going to have to give in to the other's wishes or your going to break up.

I do think you sometimes have to compromise and give into other's wishes at times in a relationship. But there is a HUGE difference between not having a sexual fantasy fulfilled, and being pressured into a sexual encounter that you don't really want. We all have fantasies that will never happen (such as winning the lottery), you need to make sure you don't get pressured into something that you will regret.

Don't know if you have moved forward on this but from someone who has been in your shoes before don't do it unless you are 100 % ok with being involved and you have the utmost trust in your relationship. It can and will tear you and your relationship apart! It opens doors that if you do not communicate on every aspect and talk about things very clearly you will get hurt. Please trust me on this. It is not worth YOUR mental anguish. Read, read, and read some more on the lifestyle. I wish you better luck than I did and my relationship was one of 9 years with alot of trust but lacked communication. It can ruin you if you are both not into to it 100%

probably even the old-ER one (I do not mean structured, organized and ratified polygamy, but just non-monogamy)

Sometimes, fantasies, need to remain just that, fantasies. Bringing a third party or another couple into the mix, and you aren't comfortable, that doesn't sound fair that he's pressuring you to be into such a type of relationship.

Personally, when involved with someone, the very idea of seeing them, sleep with someone else(as would happen in a three some) or have them see me sleeping with someone, or just knowing that instead of with me, he's with the other couple and vice versa, would drive me stark raving mad!! Literally!! Where's the trust? Honor?

I mean, it's not what you want. I hear you, about having second thoughts about proceeding further into marriage.

What's next, cheating around, because you won't fulfill this 'need' of his, to have you and someone else, too?

Open relationships, aren't for everyone. Certainly, not for me, either!