[Rose101]

Hi there,

I'm trying to understand myself better and why I am perpetually single. Whenever someone shows some interest in me, I tend to deny the possibility that they might be romantically interested and try to avoid talking to this person. One of the reasons is that I don't want to rush into a romantic relationship and I want to take my time getting to know the other person first. I don't know how to flirt or how to show romantic interest in a gradual way.

I believe that it is better to make a romantic connection with someone only after we've developed a friendship and after we've known each other at least 3-6 months. The problem is that most people, especially people I've met on a dating site, assume I'm not interested after the 1st or 2nd date (or maybe they're not interested), and then don't want to see me again.

I'm not sure if sexual orientation matters in this case, but if you want to know, I'm a woman in my 30s who's interested in women. I've always been single. I'm a late bloomer. When I was younger, I was interested in men but didn't date until very late. A few years after dating men, I decided that I wanted to be single for the rest of my life. But then I gradually developed an interest in women and felt comfortable in the company of women. Other than some failed attempts and platonic love, I haven't found a partner yet.

I feel that finding a significant other for me is mission impossible. Especially since I'm not a very sociable type and have difficulty making conversation with others. I'm OK staying single. I can live happily as a single, but at the same time, maybe I'm missing out on something.

A lot of couples break up or divorce, and this makes me wonder whether love exists or is it just an illusion?

If love does exist, how do you find it when you're conservative and don't want to jump into a relationship right away?

[Travelinglady]

Communication is very important, so I think you would need to let the person know you would like to know her better before getting romantically involved. You might want to consider some counseling to get over your problems with making conversation.

I do believe that love is real and relationships can work. I have been married to the same dear guy for almost 25 years.

[Rose101]

Thanks for your answer. Improving my people skills is quite important so I will try to find ways to achieve that.

It's good to see that relationships can work. I guess I just have negative views on relationships. Maybe another thing I need to work on as well.

[hamster-bamster]

If you avoid talking to the person who shows romantic interest in you, you will never reach the 3-6 month milestone ever - that part seems obvious.

People do not know about your 3-6 month milestone criterion. That is why they make assumptions about your lack of interest. 3-6 months is totally reasonable, but to reach the milestone, you need to at least keep talking to the person.

You also deny the possibility that the person who shows interest in you might indeed be interested with you. (??) So why do they show interest in you? to practice their people skills on you??

In other words, that part needs to be stopped ASAP. If a person shows interest in you, and you deny the possibility that the interest might be of a romantic nature (I do see how you would do that and I tend to underestimate male interest as well, unless presented with crystal clear evidence of such interest), you should at least grant the possibility that the person has SOME interest in you, because otherwise the behavior of the person who shows some interest in you is completely unexplainable. Since you describe it that happens WHENEVER somebody shows interest with you, it means that there has been a succession of people who have showed some interest with you. It is impossible that the behavior of all those people, in succession, was completely unexplainable. One - perhaps, two - maybe, many - out of the question. Right?

So, if there are people who show interest in you, not necessarily of the romantic kind, you should not stop talking to them - you should continue talking to them until you reach your 3-6 month milestone. Also, at some point you may want to inform them about the 3-6 month milestone.

Good luck!

[hamster-bamster]

You can also use the dating profile to put prospective candidates on notice about the 3-6 month frame, by using the plain unstructured text part of the profile to inform them of your policy. That would deter people who do not want to wait for that long from contacting you.

This approach has its pros and cons, though, so you need to think carefully before trying it.