No sex drive outside of masturbation. Is this normal?

Hi everyone,

This is kind of embarrassing, but here's my question.

I'm a 30-year old female. I remained a virgin until I was 26, not out of moral or religious convictions, but out of a lack of interest. Since that time, I've had three partners (including my now ex-husband) and I found that none of them have actually satisfied me. I don't find sex to be as pleasurable as many others say it is. Toward the end of my marriage, I actually felt it to be somewhat of a violation, but that might've been due to my feelings toward X.

I have no problem achieving orgasm through masturbation, but that is also something I did not start doing until well into my 20s. I was just never motivated to explore my body sexually. No sexual drive or desire at all, and now that I am not seeing anyone, I have gone back to that. I don't have any desire to have intercourse with anyone and haven't masturbated in a while. I feel that I get along just fine without it and did for many years before becoming sexually active. So I guess my question is, is this normal? I have certain fetishes and fantasies that get me off, so I'm not completely incapable of it...but when it comes to having sex with someone, I am immediately turned off. Is this because of the partners I've chosen, or is this just something strange inside of me?

I was not abused or molested in any way, btw. I had a therapist ask if I were because apparently, this is a sign of that, but I have not been, for the sake of clarification.

I have a much higher sex drive when I am on my own. While my sex drive with my partner isn't that great, once we get going, I can really get into it. I obviously require him to initiate it mostly

I'm male but I know that when I'm attached to someone in a relationship, it can affect our sex life but I think I know why. If one relies on fantasy a lot when you're massturbating, i think it can easily make your expectations in real life higher and that in turn might make you end up dissatisfied. From tehre you can see how you would be less driven to do so. I don't know if that's how you do it - with a lot of fantasizing but it's something to think about.

Another thing is you know exactly how you like it, and have come to the point of being able to fulfill your every need but partners probably are always going to fall short of this.

What about the giving and empathy part of partner sex? Have you ever felt joy from witnessing your partner enjoy the act of intercourse? From the OP, it appears that you have not. The OP talks about your satisfaction (to be precise, lack thereof), feeling violated due to the specifics of the situation with X, your orgasms, your fetishes, your fantasies...

Hamster, no. I have never enjoyed any partner engaging in the act of intercourse. I've always sort of had the attitude of, "hurry up and get this over with." I felt very used, tbh...which makes me question whether there's just something strange about me.

s4ndm - That's quite possible. Thanks for the input.

If you did not enjoy it in the least, then, in a way, you were used as a breathing sex toy. So your feeling very used was in line.

4 years of experience with 3 partners - seems enough to figure things out, but, at the same time, maybe you just did not luck out on the partners. Maybe you can feel the joy of participation with a new partner.

Have you ever actually experienced sexual attraction to someone else? (Note that sexual attraction isn't the same as having a libido or the same as wanting a relationship or even finding someone nice to look at). If not, you could be asexual (rather than heterosexual, I assume) with a libido and that could be why you've never really been interested in partnered activities and subsequently didn't really enjoy it.

For clarification, I am asexual myself, which is why it occurred to me to volunteer the possibility.

sounds within the realm of normal to me; I've had variable libido at different times in my life and sometimes preferred solo to partners

Pandoren: I have thought various people were attractive, though I can't honestly say if that attraction was sexual. I just never thought in sexual terms much. There are certain celebrities I definitely find pleasing to the eye, but as far as a "sexual" attraction, I'm not sure.

Asexual. I've not read much on that. Maybe I should look into it.

Hamster: I got upset after the third partner, when things were just no different than the other two. I really did want to enjoy it, but the feelings just never came. Perhaps it's just because of the people I've been with. Maybe if the "right" person came along, my feelings would change. I'm not sure.

Yoda: Thanks for your input. It's good to know I'm not abnormal.

I just wanted to thank you for this post because I was getting ready to type up something very similar. I hope you find your answers, and I appreciate reading everyone's responses; they have been most helpful.

i too am from your category with a difference that still haven't lost my virginity at 27 or tried masturbation. Never felt a need off. I can't even really really understand why other women are so desperate to be in relationships or lose their virginity...
I do consider myself as asexual but not sure if it is as normal as other forms. I'm very emotional person and always ready to help anyone.

I am the same way, soups. I love to help people.and i love to love. I just don't equate sex with lpve in my mind.