Stuck

I wasn't 100% sure where to post this, but it kinda made sense to me to post it here. It's about my gender. I identify as male but was assigned female. I have (unofficially, but just pre-diagnosis) depersonalization disorder. Also, depression, social and general anxiety disorder. About two months ago I was away on my own for a week and a half and allowed myself to go full tilt toward my masculine self. I felt ALL of the symptoms were greatly relieved (not totally, but it was significant after 11+ years of this). As soon as I got back to my parent's place and thereafter, everything has come back. I went back to being referred to as female by everyone, every day. But because of these symptoms and my current inability to cope with them, I don't think I can hold a job so that I can move out. Or if I do, it will just make everything worse because of the anxiety (and ADD just feeds everything bad in that situation). *facedesk* My family won't refer to me by my chosen name or real pronouns, I'm pretty sure about that. And my counselor was adamant about me staying with my parents for the time because my social anxiety prevents me from doing much of anything with people and at least this way I have my family to be with. I'm just going crazy like this, I'm not sure much longer I can take it. I'm not allowed to be ME. And here I'm afraid and concerned for my family's well being because I feel as though I'm going to hurt them badly one way or the other. My existence will cause them pain because they care about me. At least, they care about the fake female me. Argh Sorry about the venting =/ I guess I'm just looking for some sort of advice because I don't know where else to ask - what on earth can I do in this situation?

How old are you now?

I'm 23 yo.

I think you are old enough to take some practical steps. You report an almost complete elimination of symptoms that followed your assuming the masculine identity and a return of symptoms when you returned to the feminine identity that you loathe.

This seems to make a strong case for making changes. Your family will accept them, with time, since they care about you.

is there a glbt services center you can contact in your area? they may have some more resources also to help you out. I know here, where my wife and I both attend groups and therapy, they have additional groups for trans and gender issues...
I'm a little confused about your counselor's hesitance about seeing you move out on your own. I could imagine the anxiety getting a bit better when you no longer have to pretend (though it would not help the finances). I can imagine that feeling uncomfortable in your body would add a tremendous amount of anxiety to any social situation. I have mild social anxiety, but I do know it is somewhat easier to deal with when I feel comfortable being myself...

Also, could you introduce your family slowly to the concept of you feeling "wrong" in the body you have, and as being referred to as female? It can be a tremendous shock to them, but they may already have some inkling that something is different. I know when I came out as a lesbian to some of my friends, they said they knew long before I did. I also panicked about telling my parents - I got a very different response than the one I had feared. You know your family better though. ((hugs)) I hope you can figure it out.

here are some quick resources I found through google: (I did not look at any of them, just read the little blurbs after the link. The only 2 I am more familiar with are the Born This Way Foundation and the HRC)...
Get Help Now | Born This Way Foundation
Human Rights Campaign
Do Something | Largest organization for teens and social cause
International Hotlines - GLBTQ - Teens

I think you're right, although it's kind of a terrifying thought that my family might not ever accept this. I will have another chance soon to just be myself, so maybe I'll see how that goes. Trial #2 so to speak. The depersonalization makes it hard to see myself as anything beyond a blob of flesh sometimes, if even that. I'm hoping to make the practical steps, but the anxieties and DPD makes it hard to push too much for it.

These are very helpful links, thank you! Why is it that talking things through can really sort one's thoughts out sometimes? I really appreciate the help. I still don't exactly know what I'm going to do, I don't have much of a gameplan. Well, nothing long-term anyway. But I have a start. It sucks to not know at all how any of this is going to pan out. But I guess that's life.

It makes sense that while suffering from depersonalization, you are not in position to make life-altering decisions.

I apologize for such a belated response.

That is the question isn't it? On one hand, I have a life-time of experiencing gender dysphoria to back up the need to change, and on the other hand, I currently feel less than human which makes that kind of decision difficult because I don't really feel connected to myself, and therefore feel less depression and anxiety about gender (also socially isolating myself helps a lot). But there's evidence that the depersonalization, general depression and general anxiety is caused, at least in part, by the dysphoria. I have a strong disconnect from my name, from how people treat me, from my own body, from anything social, and also from constantly trying to go against every grain in me to be what everyone expects me to be. It just got to be too much. So yeah :/ this is why I feel so stuck right now. If any of that made any sense... basically I can't help but wonder if the very things (depersonalization, depression and anxiety) that make me second-guess changing myself, are the reasons I need to change myself. sorry if I'm rambling or if I'm being melodramatic.

No, you are not rambling or being melodramatic - you are describing being stuck, as you called it. Almost like a vicious circle. Have you thought of a good name for you post change (if any)? I have known one Finnish woman who used to be a man - she had a standard, typical international female name - Monika. I do not know how she came up with it. It did not have a male equivalent (unlike Alexander-Alexandra).

A vicious circle sounds about right.
I've been thinking I may settle on the name Asa although someone said it sounds like a girls name when it isn't at all. Not that it's going to stop me, it's just very annoying when that's what I'm trying to avoid. I tried a few others like Ethan, Jack, Daniel or John and I've looked at quite a few other names but nothing else clicked.

Wait until something really clicks. You should not feel pressured. A name is hugely important.

WIth my third child, I was not pressured into giving her a name instantly, because she was born at home (at hospitals, they want to generate SSN paperwork and pressure you into giving your child a name before you check out)). It took me a month to come up with a name, and then it took us all another month to make sure that the name would stick to her. Then we went to the vital records department at the county office and registered her birth.

It was not some sort of an unusual or esoteric name - Julia - but it ended up being perfect for her. A really great fit. It really was worth it to take the time to think and practice it on her before committing to an official document.

And you are an adult and not a baby so the naming exercise should be taken even more seriously. Hopefully you can come up with something that would serve you well for the rest of your days.