I have been using porn for quite a few years now and i was wondering if I should just tell my friends about it. Please offer me some input. Your comments are very much appreciated.

[hamster-bamster]

Since per your posts your interactions with your friends are not particularly positive, I fail to see any value in giving them sensitive information about you. Or do you think that they will acknowledge their own use of porn? Do you want some confirmation and validation from the peer group, or what? There should be some purpose in doing what you consider doing.

[LiteraryLark]

What you do sexually is NONE of ANYBODY's business. That isn't something you go around telling people, you keep it to yourself. The only person who knows I watch porn in real life is my best friend whom I've watched porn together with for fun.

[adam_k]

If you want some validation, slip an x-rated magazine into a friends bag. I bet you will find it gets passed around to the whole group. If that happens would you feel less critical of yourself? And maybe come to terms with what you are doing isn't the worst thing in the world?

You will find a few years you will be bragging about sexual conquests to your friends. A right of passage I guess. Then you will mature a bit and find sex to be wonderful experience to add depth to a relationship. (or not and you will try to get as many notches on your utuility belt as you can).

The point is that sexuality isn't something to be ashamed of. A lot of people have sex, fanatasies, and just about everything you haven't thought of yet, someone else has already done and there is a name for it. To illustrate a point, there is a rather kinky thing called figging that you never knew existed and it is someones favorite thing to do.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just learn to be comfortable in your own skin and don't be affraid of your own desires. Keep them in check. I'm not saying run naked down the halls of school, but having sexual urges and trying to figure out what exactly it is, is something that a lot of 17 years olds are doing right now.

[adam_k]

I wouldn't openly tell people about it either. Maybe people you trust a lot, but not friends you don't really trust.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Since per your posts your interactions with your friends are not particularly positive, I fail to see any value in giving them sensitive information about you. Or do you think that they will acknowledge their own use of porn? Do you want some confirmation and validation from the peer group, or what? There should be some purpose in doing what you consider doing.

I meant people in real life. there are a few good friends of mine whom i can trust. it's just that others have a lot more and I'm just a little jealous and I feel like life can be kind of unfair.

Originally Posted by adam_k

If you want some validation, slip an x-rated magazine into a friends bag. I bet you will find it gets passed around to the whole group. If that happens would you feel less critical of yourself? And maybe come to terms with what you are doing isn't the worst thing in the world?

You will find a few years you will be bragging about sexual conquests to your friends. A right of passage I guess. Then you will mature a bit and find sex to be wonderful experience to add depth to a relationship. (or not and you will try to get as many notches on your utuility belt as you can).

The point is that sexuality isn't something to be ashamed of. A lot of people have sex, fanatasies, and just about everything you haven't thought of yet, someone else has already done and there is a name for it. To illustrate a point, there is a rather kinky thing called figging that you never knew existed and it is someones favorite thing to do.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just learn to be comfortable in your own skin and don't be affraid of your own desires. Keep them in check. I'm not saying run naked down the halls of school, but having sexual urges and trying to figure out what exactly it is, is something that a lot of 17 years olds are doing right now.

I don't buy things like that.

Originally Posted by adam_k

I wouldn't openly tell people about it either. Maybe people you trust a lot, but not friends you don't really trust.

sometimes i dont even want to come home because i feel like this is the only place that i feel sexual in. At school or the public library, I have no such feelings. it makes me wonder if hte previous owners of this house actually did do such a thing.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

I don't buy things like that.

Well, think it through.

Suppose you tell somebody from the close circle of friends. Somebody you trust. What it he reacts the way Adam did? Would you tell the friend that you do not buy things like that? if that is all you would get from the interaction, would it not make more sense to never start interacting?..

... or, say, the friend will take your position and that is that of judgment and criticism. And, let us say, suggest that you go cold turkey or practice 12, 24, or 36 steps in order to get out of your situation. Or something along these lines. But you have already tried 12 or whatever number of steps... did not work.

So, what would be the point of telling the friend about porn if all you can expect to hear is that (1) either what you are doing is OK, (2) or that you need to take steps ABC to stop doing what you have been doing.

You do not want to hear (1) because you do not buy that, nor do you want to hear (2) because you know it would not work.

What else might you hear that you might actually like to hear? think things through before acting.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Well, think it through.

Suppose you tell somebody from the close circle of friends. Somebody you trust. What it he reacts the way Adam did? Would you tell the friend that you do not buy things like that? if that is all you would get from the interaction, would it not make more sense to never start interacting?..

... or, say, the friend will take your position and that is that of judgment and criticism. And, let us say, suggest that you go cold turkey or practice 12, 24, or 36 steps in order to get out of your situation. Or something along these lines. But you have already tried 12 or whatever number of steps... did not work.

So, what would be the point of telling the friend about porn if all you can expect to hear is that (1) either what you are doing is OK, (2) or that you need to take steps ABC to stop doing what you have been doing.

You do not want to hear (1) because you do not buy that, nor do you want to hear (2) because you know it would not work.

What else might you hear that you might actually like to hear? think things through before acting.

I think you misunderstood me. when i said i don't buy things like that, I was referring to his suggestion of slipping a x-rated magazine into someone's bag. I don't want to freak them out nor do I want them to be accused of doing something that they didn't. In addition to that, I really don't buy porn. Nowadays we have porn online. I'm sure you already know that. It's easy for someone to just sneak into a porn site that requires them to admit that they're 18. Well, chances are most people will not admit that they're 18 and these include teenagers.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

I think you misunderstood me. when i said i don't buy things like that, I was referring to his suggestion of slipping a x-rated magazine into someone's bag. I don't want to freak them out nor do I want them to be accused of doing something that they didn't. In addition to that, I really don't buy porn.

Oh, OK. Well, you quoted Adam's post in full and, in responding the way you did, made it appear that you were responding to the whole post.

I also would not buy a magazine for somebody without being asked.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Oh, OK. Well, you quoted Adam's post in full and, in responding the way you did, made it appear that you were responding to the whole post.

I also would not buy a magazine for somebody without being asked.

besides, who needs magazines these days when you have the internet right at your fingertips? I don't see why these industries don't go bankrupt since the number of porn being bought has decreased drastically or maybe i'm wrong. since it's accessible online, who needs a hardcopy? A hardcopy contains no action.

I don't get why I always close the door when i feel sexual desires rising. I mean, why are we so afraid of being discovered? i want to be discovered so that I can get my problems out of the way.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

I don't get why I always close the door when i feel sexual desires rising. I mean, why are we so afraid of being discovered? i want to be discovered so that I can get my problems out of the way.

It is unlikely that discovery will make your "problems" go away.

The simplest solution to your "problems" is to stop viewing them as "problems". Accept them as part of who you currently are.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

It is unlikely that discovery will make your "problems" go away.

The simplest solution to your "problems" is to stop viewing them as "problems". Accept them as part of who you currently are.

I can't because I just don't see myself doing those things if i were having fun with my friends--playing sports, running across the park, and working on assignments together. Unfortunately, it's summertime so I guess we don't have much to do. Plus, we're not going to see each other until the following school year. I'm ready to move on from here. I don't miss high school much.

[hamster-bamster]

Look for summertime volunteering?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

I can't because I just don't see myself doing those things if i were having fun with my friends--playing sports, running across the park, and working on assignments together. Unfortunately, it's summertime so I guess we don't have much to do. Plus, we're not going to see each other until the following school year. I'm ready to move on from here. I don't miss high school much.

If that is the case, you definitely should not tell your friends. You identified and isolated the source of the issue - summertime. Telling your friends about your porn use would do absolutely nothing to remove the issue of summertime. Either look for ways to connect with others during summertime or just wait until the end of the summer.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

If that is the case, you definitely should not tell your friends. You identified and isolated the source of the issue - summertime. Telling your friends about your porn use would do absolutely nothing to remove the issue of summertime. Either look for ways to connect with others during summertime or just wait until the end of the summer.

I mean all i really need is time to socialize. Before I started watching the whole porn thing, I did not have any of this. But ever since I moved away from my best friends in middle school, we grew apart from each other and I became more of an indoors person. I did not know very many people the first year I started in high school, so I did not stay afterschool every day and as a result, I did not make as many friends. Now we're going to be seniors this year and I honestly could care less because I just want to move on. And no, I will not miss high school once I'm gone.

[hamster-bamster]

Ok, I think that it can now be said with certainty that your issue with porn is secondary and the issue with insufficient socializing is primary. So no point in continuing to discuss porn any longer. Just does not serve any productive purpose.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Ok, I think that it can now be said with certainty that your issue with porn is secondary and the issue with insufficient socializing is primary. So no point in continuing to discuss porn any longer. Just does not serve any productive purpose.

I SO agree with this.

First, I was really sympathetic with you (heyitsme7) until you said in another thread how liberally shameful the rest of your generation was. Not cool. As long as everyone isn't hurting anyone else, what they do for pleasure in privacy is their concern only. Don't impose your morality on them.

I've read that you feel like you feel like there is also an issue with speaking your native cultures language. That, plus the socializing thing tells me you really need to reach out for some professional help.

The porn/masturbation thing can be compulsive, but isn't necessarily unhealthy... and its certainly not your primary issue.

You're still young and you may find that counseling is going to get a lot more expensive soon, so I would investigate it ASAP... and try to concentrate first on your issues with culture and socializing, because the way it appears, you have a co-morbid issue with your sexuality, BECAUSE of the underlying problem.

P.S. I read in your posts where you ask if S.A.A is free. From what I've read, all of the 12 step tradition meetings are free. But seek general psychotherapy counseling 1st

Originally Posted by Mapleton

I SO agree with this.

First, I was really sympathetic with you (heyitsme7) until you said in another thread how liberally shameful the rest of your generation was. Not cool. As long as everyone isn't hurting anyone else, what they do for pleasure in privacy is their concern only. Don't impose your morality on them.

I've read that you feel like you feel like there is also an issue with speaking your native cultures language. That, plus the socializing thing tells me you really need to reach out for some professional help.

The porn/masturbation thing can be compulsive, but isn't necessarily unhealthy... and its certainly not your primary issue.

You're still young and you may find that counseling is going to get a lot more expensive soon, so I would investigate it ASAP... and try to concentrate first on your issues with culture and socializing, because the way it appears, you have a co-morbid issue with your sexuality, BECAUSE of the underlying problem.

P.S. I read in your posts where you ask if S.A.A is free. From what I've read, all of the 12 step tradition meetings are free. But seek general psychotherapy counseling 1st

I am not trying to impose my morality on them. It's just that i prefer someone tell me that I've been doing things wrong so that I can seek help now. I mean, really, i would rather socialize.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Look for summertime volunteering?

I am volunteering right now, though. I wish I had done so sooner.

[Mapleton]

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

I am not trying to impose my morality on them. It's just that i prefer someone tell me that I've been doing things wrong so that I can seek help now. I mean, really, i would rather socialize.

The sex part is actually very normal for a 17 year old. Not shameful.

The only thing you could do wrong is not try to get someone else to help you (if that's a logistical possibility,) when you have the option to do so.

You seem troubled, and are reaching out for help. A forum is great, but its no substitute for professional help.

No one needs to feel personal shame the way you are right now.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by heyitsme7

I am volunteering right now, though. I wish I had done so sooner.

That is great that you are - focus on the now and the near future and not on what you wish you had done.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Mapleton

P.S. I read in your posts where you ask if S.A.A is free. From what I've read, all of the 12 step tradition meetings are free. But seek general psychotherapy counseling 1st

From what I know, the meetings in such programs are almost free - they are held on the premises of a church or another tax-exempt body and a donation is requested but not required.

There are many issues with these programs, though, and the issues loom large and, in my opinion, more than cancel out the "free" part of the offer.

These programs inculcate powerlessness as one of their first and obligatory steps.

These programs also have no or little evidentiary proof. In other words, just because somebody attends the program does not make the program effective. Moreover, since I have seen people frequent AA meetings year in and year out without any changes, it seems that the AA is notoriously ineffective (unless it is the case that people attend meetings seeking socialization only). I have also heard one PhD psychologist say that the rate of effectiveness of AA is equal to that of a placebo - in other words, if you try to quit alcohol completely on your own, without any sort of support, you would be just as likely to quit as you would be signing up for programs. The (lack of) effectiveness of AA does not automatically render SA ineffective since the rate of effectiveness of each flavor of a 12-step program should be evaluated separately. The general notion remains though - the programs teach you to be powerless.

Professional psychotherapy is, at least ideally, quite distinct because it does NOT teach you to be powerless. That is a huge difference.