Abused

I've been on PC a lot today...tho ive been doing better I still feel intense loneliness....I've been thinking clearer since last month and last week got home from a hospital stay...I always attend groups I'm hospitals because I want to get better....during that period of depression in in May....I recalled a past abuse I feel I have blocked out of my mind for 30 years....I started cutting again because of the pain even putting cigs out on my ARM to stop those feelings.....I am feeling better,no thoughts to harm myself I saw this forum and PC has been a huge support for me the past few months I know and hope people won't judge me for this....at a group in thr hospital we were talking about self esteem.....I've never been popular with women..always TOO NICE....when we talked about abuse as children I seemed to have crawled up in a ball on the chair and felt like I was 11 and 12 again...after my moms death when I was 10 there was a lot of drinking,drug use,gambling,violence. And for a couple years something else went on......I can't mention it.....I'm sorry....I didn't want to believe it happened.....I hate it....but I feel now that what happened to me is the reason why women don't stay with me...I never abuse them but they seem to always say I'm Too Nice for them......I didn't ask for that to happen....I'm sorry I'm going on too much......I'm ok tho honestly. I saw this forum and I need to get things out.....I just feel inadequate as a man.....I feel I could tell people in here and you won't judge me...I haven't told anyone,just bits and pieces to my counselor. I'm nog a bad person. I always try to help people....I go out of my way to help people. Even just painting or drawing them a picture....thanks for letting Mr share this I had to let it out ya know....

You are always welcome to share here and we are always here to listen.

Though i am not a guy i can certainly relate... thanks for sharing