I Feel Numb

This is very embarrassing for me, but I might as well get it out there, so maybe someone can help me figure out what's going on. My therapist says I'm Borderline and have Dysthmic Depression. The second one I barely understand. I'm in a relationship with a girl I love and she's maybe the third girl I've ever had a sexual relationship with. We just had our six month anniversary.

It's kind of hard to explain, but, I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. What's difficult about that? I feel numb, emotionally. I know I'm happy. But, I don't feel happy. For the most part, my body feels numb, too. They told me I have some kind of conversion disorder. It nearly killed me, before. The pain in my leg, my shoulders, my back, my teeth, and the migraines I get when I lose my handle on the stress are more or less my only physical sensations. Yeah, physically, I don't feel much of anything, except what my girlfriend and I call my "conversion pains". Emotionally, I just feel pretty flat-lined. I'm stoic, reserved, and reclusive. Which... isn't really like me. I have this problem with wearing my heart on my sleeve, not shutting the **** up, having poor impulse control, and over-stepping relationship boundaries. So, this "new" me is very good and well-functioning, but, it's not really me. My emotions are there, I know they are. But, I can't feel. I have them, but I can't feel them. I hope this makes sense and isn't just my psychotic circle-rambling. But, that's the exposition.

My girlfriend and I were spending a few days together, and naturally, we had sex. We have sex a lot. We both really enjoy sex. When we first started having sex, I had a little troubling maintaining my erection and sometimes, when I'm under emotional stress and disassociate, I do now, sometimes. For a while, I couldn't feel her, at all, when we made love. My penis was completely desensitized. I've stopped taking my anti-depressants and mood stabilizers because they cause such things, my psychiatrist admitted to me. I've been taking these supplements I found online. Horny Goat Weed, Yohimbe, Maca Extract, Muira Puama. They help and for the first few times, I used them, I was able to orgasm. I haven't been able to in a while. Yeah, this is my issue. I can't orgasm.

When we do it without a condom, I just end up getting tired and she asks me to stop, because it starts to hurt her. Or my back gives out. Nearly dying has hurt my physical strength. When I wear a condom, the lubricant ends up drying out, my penis dries out, and either the condom breaks or I lose my erection because of it. My girlfriend has suggested I buy larger / better quality condoms and we experiment with different kinds of lubrication. I've been doing that, little by little, but I don't believe that's the entire issue. I'm big, but I'm not big enough that Magnums and Large Skyn's are the issue. The lube is irritating and I hate condoms ruining the experience, but that's not the issue. The issue is that whatever is broken inside of me is affecting my sex life. It keeps me from making love with the woman I Love in a way that we both get to climax. She always does. I sometimes do. I need some advice or insight on what exactly is wrong with me and how I can fix it. Maybe just sometime to read and listen.

Dysthymic Depression is long lasting low grade depression. It is not severe, but it can be very long lasting (years).

Feeling numb is a symptom of Borderline.

Since you do have a T, the first question is whether you have told this to the T? It seems to be a psychological issue, so the quality of lubricants is at best marginally important. Facing your divide between knowing that you are happy and feeling happy is an emotional problem; nothing to do with lubricants.