Using sex as a way to feel secure

So when I've been in other relationships, I have found myself wanting sex just for security. I basically would use sex as a way to assure myself that our relationship was okay. We'd fight, I'd want to have sex; he'd threaten to leave, I'd want sex; he'd become physically violent and I'd want sex. I guess it's like so long as I was good enough to make love to, then he wouldn't leave.

I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man. He's kind, loving, smart- just a remarkable person, I'm very lucky. We have been having a rough patch as of late and I find myself hungry for sex for the same unhealthy reasons as before. I've resisted the urge, forcing myself to keep intimacy as a way to bring us closer together rather than use it as a security blanket. My question is, is this normal? And how to I stop craving sex as a way to feel okay in our relationship? Thanks for reading and I appreciate the feedback!

Actually, my wife sees it that way it seems ... which makes my depression and mental problems worse. It puts more pressure on me that I can't live up to. It's a self-defeating cycle.

I would suggest talking with a therapist about it as that "craving" can, like my marriage, start to create a rift. Unchecked, it can put an inappropriate amount of pressure on you and your partner.

I have felt this way too! But, more so in the past.

Have you spoken with your kind, loving, smart partner who's a remarkable person about what you just shared with a bunch of supportive strangers that you're NOT having a meaningful relationship with?

You might want to give that a try before you hit the panic button and go down in flames... Frankly, I think that knowing you'e seeking reassurance and comfort by having sex when you're in a stressful situation is a really, really great thing to know about yourself! I commend you for your introspection and self-assessment. But, be gentle with yourself as well and try not to judge yourself harshly. You're taking steps to change something about yourself that you'd prefer was different. That is, you said something here and asked other people for their opinions. That's a very positive thing! But, you obviously think you've got a "problem" that you need help figuring out. Yeah... I dunno... but if it isn't too scary of a thing to do, talk with the person you love about it. You know, the one that Loves YOU... I'd be really surprised if, seeing how he's the bees knees, he wouldn't WANT to help you if he knew about it. Ya never can tell. it might even bring you closer together...

Anyway, them's my thoughts and I'm sticking with them even if they're wrong...

I wish for you clarity of thought, resolve and happiness.

Dan

Communication is key, right?

Thank you. I'll give this a try.

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It sounds like you want sex for evolutionary reasons. To keep your male around so that he can provide shelter for you and also protection from other males. This may be unavoidable.

You probably need to ask yourself why you feel insecure in the first place and go from there. Did you have a father who left you at an early age, for example.

Congratulations on finding a good man! It looks you used to have partners who were way worse than him, right? including those who got physically violent. So - great.

I do not think that you need to label some sort of a motivation to have sex as unhealthy and other kind as healthy. There is nothing wrong in having sex to bring you guys closer together on some occasions as well as to feel secure on other occasions. Since you like it both ways, no reason not to have it both ways.

Well, I certainly see where you're coming from. It's a fairly rational train of thought...sex is the most intimate level of love (or at least quite high on the list) two people can share. If I had to guess, your thought process is that by the fact this is, in a manner of speaking, allowed to happen, that means that, to you, whatever issue is there to prompt the "craving" is, at the very least, not severe enough to hamper the fundamental base of the relationship, that being the emotional and loving connection. If you're trying to assure yourself that things are okay (even, perhaps, when they're not, but that's speaking more to the previous abusive boyfriend...I'm glad you're out of that), what better way than by using this to ascertain the emotional and physical attraction is still there? Is that close to your train of thought on the matter?

I do agree with Hammy that there's no real reason to label one type as "okay" and one type as "not okay." I'm not worried so much about the sex itself, however, as I am the underlying reason, in that you are, in fact, using it for security. The sex itself isn't the problem. My area of concern would be its use as a redress of grievances...it's like using a band-aid on a bruise. It might make you forget it's there until the bruise heals, but the bruise is still there.

I don't think it's strictly necessary you cut it so black and white as to say "We're having a rough patch, so sex is a no go," but it is important that you focus your attention on fixing the rough patch. As you have acknowledged you are prone to using sex as a security blanket, I think you're cognizant of this. I would just tell you not to worry so much about the sex itself, and focus on the problems causing the rough patch. The sex can still come as it may.

As far as if it's normal, there's a long standing cultural acknowledgement of "make up sex" for a reason. I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary, just so long as the sex doesn't become the remedy itself instead of a part of a healthy relationship.

I think it's just a mind set we get in the habit of doing. In your case using sex as a tool, many people do the same thing you do and have no MI. I'm not saying it's healthy but certainly common. Treat it as any habit, some are tough to break but doable. And yes, therapy was a good suggestion too. Good Luck.