embarrassed to share but have to

am in my mid-twenties, kinda gd looking, but a virgin (want to wait till marriage)
been sexual with two men (did a lot of things except actual penetration)
the first man was my bf since 17 stayed together for many years, sex was HOT!
he had great body, he respected me and really cared about me (he still does I guess), we had great chemistry and we learned together (he taught me a lot and I helped him to know what he love)
the 2nd guy was also my bf but had barley any sex, wasn't attracted to him, didn't like his body (though he's not very fat or anything), was repelled by him, didn't do a lot with him just kissing and touching and eventually even kissing stopped in the last year of our relation.
my problem is my first bf has left the country, I still fantasize about him and wish to meet him again (I'll definitely loose my virginity with him although technically am not a virgin lol I mean we did a lot of stuff )
lately I've been very "horny" don't know any other term, I know can get out and be with any guy but I don't want to. I just can't be with a random guy I have to love him and be in a relationship with him (I tried that once but it was one of my biggest shames I hate myself when I remember that)
what should I do? I miss being intimate with somebody, and feel that someone finds me attractive and sexy.
I even starting considering sexual talks with strangers (by texting or something) but even that I have to form a bond with that guy. Is something wrong with me?
why can't I separate sexual feelings from love or trust and respect??

There is nothing wrong with you. I can't have casual sexual encounters either. I need to feel a connection with someone too.
Will your 1st BF come back to your country? Can you visit himwhere he is? if you too are really that close, maybe you should get married.
If not, maybe you should start dating again and try to get some feelings for another man again. Once you've found a worthy man, you can share some intimacy but just tell him no sex before marriage. If you do nearly everything else, he should be ok with that. Maybe you could find a male friend who is ok with no sex, but just hugging and kissing, just so you get some intimacy.
You need to learn how to and be comfortable with masturbation. It is totally safe, normal, and natural. That will help you with your horniness. Any you need to do it naked, fully, until you achieve an orgasm. Buy some sex toys if you can. They will help. Can you carry on a long-distance relationship romance with your 1st BF and just see him occasionally? maybe you could make that work.
Or maybe you could go ona dating website and try to meet a man that way. You never know, you could find someone really nice on there. You could have an internet BF. You could forma abond with him and practise cyber-sex with him. That can work.
I don't know what else to suggest. I think you should find a new man, someone you can learn to trust and like, enough to do sexual stuff with. Good luck. Keep me posted.

I think you need to learn to love your body again and not rely on partners to give you the reassurance that you are still hot. Make friends with your vagina by masturbating and taking care of it and yourself. Then you will be able to seek out male partnership without necessarily needing to be reassured about your body and you can have sexual intercourse that is gratifying to you both.

Well!
You want to know why you can't just enjoy what Erica Jong called the "zipless fuc*"...
That's to say, two strangers enjoying a sexual encounter that is seemingly free of all remorse and guilt. It is absolutely pure, there is no power game and it is free of ulterior motives. It's just casual, meaningless sex for the pure pleasure of having sex.
Actually, I'm sure that that happens all the time. But only to a select few. I believe that ALL people eventually seek a connection with another person, preferably a person that they Love or feel a very strong connection to. I don't think that that's something that is learned or only acquired through experience. I think it's something that's built-in to every human being. Even though there are people that can put that need on hold for some period of time, sometimes for several years, that biological need for closeness, intimacy, Love and connection is too strong to ignore. We ALL want to Love and BE Loved in return. It's one of the universal attributes of the human species. Sex without experiencing the connection of intimacy and Love is empty. It may feel good physically for a short period of time, but it leaves you feeling unsatisfied, unfulfilled and uneasy... You come away from the experience feeling like you missed out on something important. You want to feel something more, but don't quite know what that something is. Something feels unfinished and you yearn for whatever that thing is that will leave your heart feeling complete and at peace.

Indeed. That something that is missing when you have meaningless sex with someone is the magnificient connection you experience when you are intimate with someone you Love, trust and respect and who gives Love, trust and respect in return.

THAT'S why you can't seperate sexual feelings from Love and intimacy.