Hopeless Ideal

Jan 25, 2014, 07:32 AM

So I started on this site for issues regarding BPD, but I realized that I could probably address another serious issue my life (although it may or may not be related to the above mentioned condition, I don't really know)

So my problem is this:
I very, VERY often wish I had been born a female. A few years ago I actually broke down crying to my mom, telling her I wish I could've been her Natalie. That was the name my parents had picked out if I HAD been a girl.
I can't really pin point it, but I started entertaining the thought of 'what if' around 13 or so. Maybe sooner, I'm not entirely sure.

I started dabbling in cross dressing when I was about 19 years old. My (then) wife caught me a couple times in her clothes and we got to talking and she was actually the first person that I came out to. So yes, I'm gay. We divorced soon after that but are actually still pretty good friends, all things considering. Occasionally we chat on the phone about guys and whatnot.
Now, 10 years later, I don't even own guys clothes besides a single pair of jeans and a couple of t-shirts to do dirtier work around the house. That's IT. I do my makeup, shave body hair, I have a feminine haircut (although it's very punk/goth, so it's not SUPER feminine), have girly jewelry and body piercings, etc. etc. Just like the hair, my 'look' is very alternative. So I don't really portray the girly girl image so much as a dark, broody one. (although I DO love pink). If you were to walk into my room, you would never guess a guy slept there.

Sometimes when I go out to bars and clubs with my friend, I sometimes get mistaken for a girl. Or the question at least comes up. haha. People apologize, but I take it as a compliment.

The thing is, I'm NOT a girl. There is no amount of makeup or clothing or surgery (not that I've had any) that will change that. There isn't anything that I can do about that. It's a constant source of low grade depression for me. nothing that sends me into a bad slump, but more of a constant, gnawing, downer.

The biggest obstacle to me in this matter, is finding men that are interested. Not 'one night stand' interested. I mean legitimately interested.
For starters, I don't like flamboyant men. This is probably due to that I want to fill what I perceive as the feminine role in the relationship.

Secondly, I can't top. I didn't say won't. I said can't. It's a total turn off and I will quickly go limp if put into that position. The thought of me being a Top to another man is completely gross to me. For those of you reading this that are not familiar with that term (when pertaining to gay men), a 'Top' is someone that typically is the sexually dominant of the two, and is the one that does the penetrating. A Bottom (which is how I identify), takes on the more submissive role and is usually the one being penetrated. People that do both are considered versatile (or Vers for short). At least that's how I've come to understand the lingo. Others may have different perspectives. But I digress...
I am not just unable/unwilling to top. I generally just don't like my junk in front being paid any attention to whatsoever. I'd rather it be treated as if it weren't there. I don't even like to have an orgasm during sex (as it punctuates the fact that I have a penis). This is almost always an issue with people that I have hooked up with in the past. Understandably so. I mean, why would a gay/bi man want to engage in sex with another man without access to one of the more obvious parts of interest?

All this not withstanding, I don't ever seem to be able to attract anyone that is willing to be seen with me openly. I always seem to be a dirty little secret that gets called upon as a booty call. To this day, I have been intimate with about 17 men and not one of them ever has been open about it, much less taken me seriously.

I stopped attempting to date about two years ago. I stopped having sex soon after. I would get horribly depressed in the wake of casual sex, sometimes as soon as I was dropped back off at my home.

I DO have sexual desires,they haven't gone away. They just go unrequited. I just feel like I have no outlet to find anyone. I know I can never be a woman, and it saddens me. However, what saddens me more is that I don't think that I will ever be able to find someone that will be able to at least treat me as if I were.

I've gone out to the local gay bars to try and meet people to no avail. There aren't a whole lot of them, and the ones that are here are very run down and raunchy. Either that, or they are very trendy and 'pop' with the typical club music. This doesn't really draw the crowd I care to mingle with. I'm not into the techno/hip-hop scene. To be honest, a bar or club is a terrible place for me to meet people because I don't even really drink or party, either. So I'd be looking in a crowd of people with clashing interests. However, a 'gay bar' seems the only kind of venue designated towards that particular demographic.

I've tried just about every dating site out there. free sites. paid sites. I don't know how much money I've tossed away in the process. There never seems to even really be that many people in my area to begin with, much less that find an interest in me. If I ever DO get responses, it only seems to be from people who want discreet encounters. In my personal opinion, dating sites seem to be more of a scam and hunting ground for one-nighters than anything else. It's gotten to the point where even looking at dating site ads will start to make me feel upset and I don't consider them a feasible option any longer.

I don't know what I should do about this. I'm not very well equipped with coping skills (or so I'm told). I wish so badly, and so often that I was a woman. Although I accept that I can't be, it is still such a constant burden to have weighing on me all the time. Is there even anything I can do about that?
Is there any advice anyone has as to what I could to about trying to start a relationship? Or at least on how/where to find people that might have an interest? Or am I doomed to be alone?

IzzyMeadows · Jan 25, 2014, 11:54 AM

I'm a straight female so I'm not totally knowledgeable here but what occurs to me is you are looking at the wrong demographic. If you want someone to treat you like a woman you need someone who is interested in women. Gay men want you as a man. I would look into trans, bi, or even open straight men. Someone who loves you as a woman. Are you planning to have surgery? It might help you feel more like a woman. Biologically speaking yes you will never be a woman but what does that matter? You know the saying if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck,and looks like a duck it is probably a duck. If you feel like a woman start treating yourself as a woman. What counts is what you want and think. If you have to look in a mirror and start telling yourself that you are a woman everyday. Eventually you will start to believe it.

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Jan 25, 2014, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IzzyMeadows

...If you want someone to treat you like a woman you need someone who is interested in women. Gay men want you as a man. I would look into trans, bi, or even open straight men. Someone who loves you as a woman. Are you planning to have surgery?

I would imagine that if a Bi man would feel like being with a woman, he would simply go after a woman. The problem with surgery (aside from the farce of it), is that despite all the technological innovations we have in the world today not even the best surgeons can replicate what the opposite sex has in terms of genitalia. I have yet to see a vaginoplasty that looks real enough for me to consider having one done. And that includes the ones done on high end porn stars. I mean, if anyone could afford the best, it'd be them. It's just not good enough. From what i understand, the process is even less realistic for women looking to be a 'man'. So looking to date a trans man would probably not be in my best interest. So as I said in my opening post, I am not open to surgery.
Maybe if I were to become feminized enough I would consider a boob job, but that wouldn't solve my problem downstairs (or the fact that it's fake). But even that endeavor is not without it's complications. Aside from the fact that hormone replacement therapy is rather risky (or so I've been informed), It is also very expensive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by IzzyMeadows

Biologically speaking yes you will never be a woman but what does that matter? You know the saying if it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck,and looks like a duck it is probably a duck.

Probably, but not necessarily. To me, it matters. And to a lot of people, it matters.

Quote:

Originally Posted by IzzyMeadows

If you feel like a woman start treating yourself as a woman. What counts is what you want and think. If you have to look in a mirror and start telling yourself that you are a woman everyday. Eventually you will start to believe it.

I very often already do feel like one, at least on the inside. But I have an entire body telling me I'm not. As far as demeanor goes, I think I throw a lot of people off. The social sub-culture I adhere to leaves a lot of room for mixed interpretation as to my femininity. I mean, there is no confusion as to my sexual orientation. However, as I said before; I don't go for the priss or diva look. I think most people write me off as 'that goth guy that looks like a chick'. There is a certain amount of androgyny that is normal within this particular culture. Yes, I do take it a bit further. However, despite my best efforts to have people treat me like a woman, everyone eventually reverts to treating me like a gay guy.