what even am i

I have been struggling with my sexuality for a while, first I thought bisexual, next I thought lesbian, but I really just don't know, all I know is that I am just not straight. (I guess that's what queer is, but I'm not sure exactly)

Basically I like both men and women, but I am more drawn towards having a relationship with a woman rather than a man. I've had crushes on guys, but whenever they show possible signs of liking me back, I run in the other direction and pretend those feelings never happened or they just never liked me back and I didn't really care and got over it.

But if I see a girl out in public and she's eyeing me and I'm eyeing her and we're both exchanging smiles, I feel like I should go talk to them, but of course, since I'm only 17 and under the roof of homophobic parents, it's probably not the best idea in terms of actually having a roof over my head and having support from them, not knowing that I am not straight.

Whenever my mum says "one day you'll get married to a guy, have kids, etc..." I get a little irritated, because it's not what I want. I don't want kids, I hate the idea of pregnancy and squeezing a baby out under hours of (most likely) painful labour and I'd rather marry a woman even though it's illegal in most of Australia (no thanks to Tony Abbot).

All I dream about is being with a woman and when I dream about being with a guy it doesn't feel right, even if I find them attractive.

I know I shouldn't stress with labels, but I can't help it.

People who typically say "don't worry about labels!" tend to be straight, so don't feel bad if you want a label that will help you understand yourself and your relations/feelings towards others. It's perfectly normal, and is a good tool when learning about yourself and meeting others.

Bisexual does not have to mean you're attracted to men and women equally. You can be far more interested in perusing a relationship with a female and still find boys cute sometimes or even date them in the future. I think people get stuck when they identify this way because we are taught that bisexual people feel a 50/50 split in attraction. That is simply untrue.

Any sexual orientation that is not heterosexual can be called queer by a queer person, btw! And it can be used for people who don't fit into the binary system of sexuality.

Hi Antisocialbutterfly: You received some top-notch insight from Grey Matter. So I won't even attempt to cover any of that territory! But I just thought I'd chime in & second what you said about your age & your living situation with your parents. I'm long since past that now. But I can still remember what a struggle it was to keep my gender identity disorder a secret. My parents both died never knowing the story & I'm sure they went to their graves wondering what happened.

It takes time to work through these types of concerns. A qualified & experienced gender therapist can be of benefit if & when you can find one & arrange to see them. The good thing is that, at your age, you have time. You don't have to work it out all at once. Just take it a step at a time. Rest there for a bit & then move on. As the saying goes: "It gets better..."

Grey matter pretty much covered everything. I just wanted to say that I feel that exact same way sometimes. I occasionally date guys for very short periods of time but make an excuse to end it because I just prefer girls.

I struggle with this quite often. I've talked to my therapist, and she has this interesting saying that she likes to use. I'm "bisexual with lesbian preferences". I'm 14, which is a bit younger than you, but I have similar problems. It can get a bit crazy, trust me. But honestly, I wouldn't worry about trying to label yourself until you've developed experience with both genders to see how each is. I remember when I first tried this out...come to find out, I'm still figuring it out. Just experiment with it and see how it goes.
Best of luck <3