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New Member
Member Since May 2014
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 4
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May 08, 2014 at 02:01 PM
#1
I am 24 years old and I have known that I am gay since I was 13 or 14. I was sexually abused at the age of 10 years old by a neighborhood boy that was 16 and then again at 13 by another person.
Fast forward to when I was 19 and confused about who I wanted to be. Should I live a homosexual life or should I buckle and try to live a heterosexual life. Well I met a girl that I like, not necessarily loved but we had a great friendship, we had intercourse once and it was alright. We would talk all the time on the phone or text, one time I admitted to her that I use to be gay and that I still find men attractive. She was absolutely fine with this, later down the road a few months I told her about the sexual abuse, again she was there for me and everything. I have read that sometime when a person is sexually abused they begin to suppress their feelings for the same-sex if that is what they were into, and they try to live a life with the opposite sex which doesn't make them truly happy. Currently we have 2 kids and for awhile we were having no sex at all really maybe every other week. Well we started having sex again and she uses a strap-on to please me but it makes her sad that I get more pleasure from that than just straight sex between us. There are also times when having sex that I have to play "movies" in my head. What should I do? I don't want to live a lie anymore, but I don't want her to suffer and then find out a few more years down the road how I truly feel. |
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 Angelornot, Anonymous100305
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Member
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 250
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May 10, 2014 at 06:16 AM
#2
702,
I hear your struggle, and I'm 44 now married and with two mostly grown kids (oldest graduating from University in 1 month). I've been bisexual, leaning towards gay most of my life. My wife knew about my past when we met. I've never hidden it. I've even asked for the strap on but haven't been able to enjoy that with my wife. My view is that as long as kids are involved, they need to come first. However you and your wife arrange things, they should be priority. If your wife is understanding, she may allow you freedom to be who you are, while maintaining a family structure. But you have to be honest with her, as honesty with disappointment is much better than deceit with animosity. I can't say that my way works for anyone, since even I feel trapped sometimes and just want to go find a guy to have mad sex with. But the reality is my life is fuller with my marriage and family in it than it would be having a regular homosexual sex life. |
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Member
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: las vegas
Posts: 106
9 1 hugs
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Jul 05, 2014 at 10:55 PM
#3
I don't really get how you can be gay if you are married to a woman... I mean I understand that you prefer men but you're not repulsed by women so that would make you bisexual...That's just how I see things. I'm kind of the same way sexually. Well sexually only. I prefer guys but I always was ok with making out with girls. So I always knew I was bi even though I was still considered gay. Like I'm not repulsed by women. I know girls and guys who could not even make out or go second base with a girl because they are that unattracted to them. So I guess that's why I have my personal opinion on bisexuality/homosexuality.
But I'm 20 and openly bisexual. My gf has always known. So she knows the possibility of if we didn't make it that I most likely would find a guy to settle down with. As long as your wife knows what she's getting into you can't be blamed. |
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Member
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 250
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Jul 07, 2014 at 08:18 AM
#4
Lute20,
I agree with you for the most part, but your last line is a little sketchy. I'm not sure how you meant it, but it reads like you're saying that because 702webdev told his wife he was gay/bi, that whatever he does is okay and he can't be blamed...because he is bisexual. It's like being bisexual is a "get out of jail" card. As I posted before, I've been married for almost two decades as a bisexual man that strongly prefers men over women, including my wife. I'll be honest and say that if you put a naked man and my wife on two beds, I'd leap at the guy in a heartbeat. It 's doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The thing is even with my desires and preferences, I love my wife and I am faithful. I'm not faithful just because I signed a marriage license or because I made a promise, but because I love her. 702webdev married his wife, made a promise, had kids. Having kids isn't just a mechanical act he performed, he made a serious commitment that I suspect (and hope) was made out of love to his wife. I still say that he should be as honest as he can be, tell his wife everything, feelings, fantasies, desires. Be truthful. But if he is unfaithful or dishonest to his spouse, he should be blamed. |
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Jul 07, 2014 at 08:16 PM
#5
Quote:
If you can't, or don't want to, do that by yourselves seek out an experienced couples therapist. Each of you, individually, may also want to see therapists of your own as well. If money is an issue, see if you can locate a private not-for-profit organization that provides services free-of-charge or on a sliding-fee basis. The one thing you don't want to do is to allow this situation to fester until it blows up in all of your faces (including your children's.) I will just say, in addition, that I am an older transgendered male. I have been married for many years. Many of us who are trans have a similar problem. We marry & have kids thinking that it will be okay. Maybe being married & having kids will even cure us of our "trans-ness". It doesn't. If a person is trans, they're trans for life. It doesn't go away. And eventually it will out. Then in many, if not most cases, the marriage dissolves as a result. We don't mean it to. We just didn't realize, going into it, that this is how it would end. But it does. The sooner you & your wife talk this out, the better. It's not going to go away.  
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Member
Member Since Jul 2014
Location: las vegas
Posts: 106
9 1 hugs
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Jul 07, 2014 at 09:45 PM
#6
Quote:
No I wasn't talking about being unfaithful I didn't know that's what he was talking about. I was saying that if later down the road she can't blame him if he ever did fall for a guy. That's all I was saying. |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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