[Always be a unicorn]

I came out as gay/bisexual (it's complicated, don't ask) to my parents and brother nearly two years ago now. They've been really supportive of me since then and have tried to help me however they could. I'm also out and proud at my university campus and my friends all know. Apart from this small circle, however, I haven't told anyone else.

Recently, I've been thinking about coming out publicly to the rest of my family, friends and the world in general. Just one problem: my little brother goes to an all-boys school which, as you can imagine, isn't exactly friendly towards LGBTIA individuals.

My brother, while 17 years old, is quite small and easy to push around. When I spoke to him about it, he told me that he believes that, should I come out, the people at school would likely use me being gay to harass and bully him.

So now I'm torn on two fronts. On the one side, I feel like I'm dying slowly inside because of this lie I have to keep living day to day. On the other side, if I found out that I was the reason someone hurt my little brother, I don't think I'd be able to handle it.

For now, I've said that I'll wait until my brother finishes high school before coming out publicly. But that's two years away. I don't think I can make it 'till then.

[Secretum]

Could you selectively come out to more people, people that you know that don't know your brother? When I finally came out to my parents (at age 21) I felt like I was out to the world. There are still some people that don't know I'm bi/pan, but that is because they don't need to know.

I personally believe that your sexual orientation isn't anyone's business unless they want to date/sleep with you. Straight people don't have to come out, after all; no one sees being straight as a key part of their identity. I don't think being non-heterosexual should be a key part of someone's identity either. That is not to say that you haven't encountered significant struggles due to your sexuality; of course you have! I'm just saying that you shouldn't let it define you.

[bixkf]

I've come out as bisexual to just a few select people. I've asked the question many times about who else I should tell. What I've figured out is that unless being gay/bi "IS" who you are (then tell everyone), you only need tell those people that it would affect.

For example, my wife knew before we married since we have a sex life, she should know. However, my grown kids don't know since they are not part of my sex life (well they were to be born...). As I'm not going around bringing guys home to have sex with, it doesn't affect them directly. Similarly, telling my parents (in their 70s) wouldn't change anything for the same reasons. Telling a doctor or a therapist is fine as they may need that information for health reasons.
I guess in your case, your brother was affected directly due to your sexual orientation, then maybe that is a good reason to confide in him. If he is your brother and he loves you, he'll understand (maybe he already know).

[Go Hungry]

You're in a rough situation. I admire your courage, though. I can't tell you what to do with your life but; I would keep it quiet. Please understand, I have PTSD from peer abuse as a child, so that likely colours my perceptions a bit. But yeah, I would keep quiet. Two years can go by faster than you think. And then he's free, and so are you. Damn shame we live in a world where people care about it so much.

Like I said though, I can't tell you what to do. Ultimately the choice is yours alone.

[Myotherlife]

Secretum offers excellent advice. Your sexual interests are personal and don't need to be broadcast to the world. I understand your desire — anyone who is "different" in any way wants to be accepted, as I know all too well — but acceptance doesn't depend on telling the world everything about your life. You can be a friend, a confidant, and an advocate without revealing your food preferences, your past embarrassments, or your bank account balance, or your political leanings. Likewise, your sexuality, which is an important part of who you are, but not the only part, does not need to be a part of your public persona. I know several gay men, not because they are gay but because we share some non-sexual interests and in some cases are neighbours. How they enjoy sex and who they enjoy it with is almost never a part of conversations with them because that information is simply irrelevant. I have learned about their sexuality in "organic" ways, through casual conversations, being introduced to their partners, being invited to dinner in their homes, and meeting them and their partners on walks. Not once that I can remember has one of them intentionally "come out" to me.

Other