Suicidal toughts; Mom hates me for having lesbian relationship :(

My mom is unemployed, divorced and very nervous woman. I am their only child. I think I might be a lesbian. I was falling in love with guys, loved them in platonic way for years, but also I had many short relationships with them, and I ended them (the longest one for 6 months, when I was 16/17 years old.)I'm still virgin. Then, in 2012, i fell in love with a girl (we had one "mutual" boyfriend) but when he told me for her I wasn't angry. The moment I saw her I liked her and started thinking about getting close to her. I knew it wasn't my revenge because he liked me more, and it wasn't the first time for me to like a girl. I added her on FB. We chatted for hours, all night long. After about a year of chatting, she told me she loves me, not as a friend. And I was so excited, started smoking and trembling. I was happy, but sad at the same time, for I knew we can never be together; In our country, it would be a shame and disaster - not only for us but for our families. The moment that happened mom saw something was wrong, and I admitted later. My hell began. Couple of days before that confession she started relationship with a guy. Our beggining was so hard, she vacillated, but never left me and we were more and more in love. My mom told my dad for us, so they urged me to finish that. I promised, and I lied. I couldn't So, mom found out, and again told to my dad. I lied again. Lies, lies... I know I'm a bad person but I'm 23, and this is the only thing I lied for, but I couldn't give up on her knowing it was the first special thing in my life. They were selfish leaving me no choice, so was I. Then, in February this year, we kissed for the first time, and we continued later on. She is still with that guy but says she doesn't love him; She told him for me, but he didn't think it's a reason big enough for break up. It started to bother me, but I couldn't ask "me or him" question, for we cannot be together. So, I lied, and lied. My parents invited her over for a conversation. She told them she loves me, and suggested our going away together. They were conditioning me, they or her. I knew I love her badly but I couldn't hurt them. I wanted to have them all.I wanted them to give me some time, for I'm not 13, but 23. I wasn't so brave, so I "finished" with her again, but we found a way to talk. She gave me a present, a little diary, mum found it and now she is completely disapointed in me. I promised again to stop talking to her, but even I cannot believe myself after all these lies. I know I have to, but I miss her, I wouldn't like to lose her. Mom and I quarrel every day, all day, she urges me to find a boyfriend immediately, to go out with anyone because people ask all the time, wondering why I don't have a bf and I'm so "good, preety, smart..." She says she doesn't have a reason to live if I want that girl, and says she will commit a suicide. She has became dependent on sedatives (even before this happened) and she sleeps a lot, when she is awake, we quarrel. I cannot take it anymore. I don't want this life. I cut myself, and try to hide scars to avoid questions, but I really want to die. I don't text girl anymore, but because of that "extortion" I can't be happy or feel good with my mom. It's a vicious circle. If I choose her, I will be sorry for what happened to mom, and if I give up on her, I'd feel so empty for she is the only one I care about since I saw her. The only one. Mom is so hard to please, she always complain that she is lonely, that I go out with friends and not with her; she doesn't want me to visit my dad if they don't talk to each other, and so on. She wants to be the ruler of my life because "I owe her that". Sorry for long letter, but I have to talk to someone. Thanks for reading.

I am so sorry your mom can't love you unconditionally.

Hi outcast90, welcome to the PC forums. I am sorry too that your mother can't seem to accept you as you want to be, accept what makes you happy. It is unfortunate that many people go through this challenge too. You are 23 now, a young woman, you can't live your life for your mother, you should be happy, and you deserve to be happy.

((Caring Hugs)))
OE

hello outcast90,
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time and that your Mom is not supportive (quite the opposite). I come from a family where a member was addicted to meds and alcohol - I understand how difficult it is to deal with that alone. But you have to live the life that makes you happy and you have every right to do so! Your mom has no right to put you in such a situation!

Is there any support infrastructure in your country/area that you have access to? Like a hotline or a counceling center? Also, is there anyone else you can confide in? A family member or a friend? Try to find an ally, someone who can support you.
It doesn't sound like it, but if there is any chance at all you could speak to your dad again, without your mother being present, then do that! Your mother suffers, and she needs help, but you need to look after yourself too.
Take care!

Oh, thank you I'm very happy that you read and replied me because I cannot talk to anyone else here. There is no counceling center. No, she can't love me unconditionally. I have to find a boyfriend to make her happy, and I know it's not fair. But it's not important to her. She went to the psychiatrist, and instead of trying to convince her that she cannot just say she'll commit a suicide because something isn't as she would like, he told her that he doesn't believe LGBT people exist, and that she should believe me again because it was probably my revenge to her.(?!) I really know that she isn't happy, and I understand her, we don't have enough money, she is always home, lonely. She has her ideas of life for me. She always asks why, why, why me, when all the girls have boyfriends. She says I'm the one to blame for I lied about something in my own life, for falling in love with a girl, that she is the one who suffers.... I don't want her suicide, or her to go mad, I wouldn't be able to live with that. So I'll commit it if I can't live this way, with everyday threats, she will go mad, she will kill herself, she will talk to the girl's parents, she will, she will... . It looks like my life is becoming a lie. Dad also doesn't understand that love. But when we finish conversation, he doesn't ask me about that, he never said he would kill himself. And she is a detective. It would be really horrible if people found out. They are conservative here, stiff and superficial. And I, being their only child, can't destroy them. Feeling lost. Thank you again for your support...

(((hugs))))

Hello Outcast: I'm so sorry to read of your predicament. I'll tell you, I'm an old person now. I'm biologically male. But I've always felt, "on the inside" as though I should have been / wanted to be female. However, I never transitioned. I'm married & I've lived a mostly typical male life in the U.S.

As you are, I was also an only child. And my mother in particular clung to me as though I was the only thing in her life that mattered. I never divulged my transsexuality to my parents. (My parents are both deceased now.) Part of the reason for this was because, for a long time, I didn't really understand myself either. So how could I have explained it to them? But regardless of that, I moved far away from them at the first opportunity once I was an adult. I just couldn't tolerate having them control my every movement. We visited back-&-forth a few times. But I never moved back to where they lived.

I will tell you that I do regret what happened between myself & my parents. But I also know that I could not have continued to live under their thumbs. And, also, I was in my 50's by the time they were both gone. Now I'm in my 60's. So I've already had 10+ years since they both died. And I'll probably have another 10 years or who knows... maybe more. These are years when I would have been without them regardless of whether or not I had stayed with my parents or not.

Typically, children outlive their parents. I don't know how old your mother is. But, at 23, you clearly have allot of years ahead of you, if you choose life. Yes, you can try to commit suicide. I've done that because I didn't think I could live with my unexpressed transsexuality any longer. So I know what suicide is about too; and I'll tell you it's not as easy as people think.

I will also tell you though, you have a right to live your life, your way. And ultimately you cannot be responsible for your parents. You are a separate, independent human being. And you have a right to live your own life as you see fit, without being held hostage as a result of suicidal threats from your mother.

Now having said all of that, I will also say, before you decide to go off with this young woman you've fallen for, I would recommend that you try to make as sure as possible this is really what both of you want. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though you may need to emigrate from your home country in order for the two of you to be together. That's a BIG step!

One other thing I will mention is, from my experience, a person's gender identity and sexual orientation do not change. So if your sexual orientation is toward other females and not males at this time, it's not going to change as you get older. And so, should you find a boyfriend in order to please your parents, and then possibly even marry, you will likely be very unhappy. This is the problem that led me to attempt suicide. That is: trying to live as a man in a heterosexual marriage while, on the inside, I felt myself to be a woman. I have a wonderful wife who loves me endlessly. We have a nice home in a pleasant community. There's nothing about my life that should drive me to suicide. It is only my transsexuality that has been the cause of it. If one is transsexual, one is trans for life. It doesn't go away. The same is true for sexual orientation. If your sexual orientation is truly toward women, it's not going to change either because you get older or because you marry, or whatever.

Life is a series of choices and compromises. Some of them are tough. The one you're struggling with now is one of the really tough ones. I don't envy you, Outcast. But, still, I want to encourage you in the strongest possible terms to choose life; and to live the life YOU want to live, not a life you've been forced into by threats and intimidation. Yes, as you age, you may have regrets over your parents. I have regrets over mine. But I also know what I did had to be done. That's just the way life is. Please choose life!!!

If I could, I'd give you all the hugs and support you're not getting from your mom. I am the mother of two gorgeous, accomplished, kind young women who are gay. But don't give up on Mom just yet. When we gave birth to daughters, we imagined all sorts of traditional lives for them. Then they say, Mom, I'm a lesbian and you have to adjust. I never judged my girls, but it took some time to adjust.

This is not a complex issue as far as I am concerned. Children owe nothing except respect to their parents, if that respect has been earned. Your mother has apparently done nothing to earn your respect or anything else. You on the other hand have every right to live life as you wish to live it, regardless of how your choices affect your mother and as long as your choices are ethical and legal. The fact that your and your mother share some DNA is a matter of biology, not ethics. She and your father gave you life, which you did not ask for; in so doing, they did not automatically earn the right to keep you in virtual slavery, unable to form your own life in the manner that you wish.

Your mother's statement that she would commit suicide if you don't live according to her wishes is nothing but a power grab which you should ignore. In a very literal sense, if she were to choose suicide, it would be her choice and you should not take on the slightest guilt, because you have no responsibility for her choices.

Do I seem harsh? Possibly. But I believe very strongly an individual liberty, and your mother is attempting to keep you in a state that is nothing at all like liberty.

Other